In one of her books, Esther Perel writes:

'It was a momentary lapse in judgment – I was drunk and I deeply regret it,' says Lina, who’d been engaged only a few months when a night of partying after her college reunion ended in an ex’s bed. 'If I tell my fiancé, I know it will destroy him. His first wife left with his best friend, and he always said if I cheated on him, it was over.'

Perel muses:

Yes, she should have thought of that before. But should her slip-up derail their whole life?

Perel’s framing of infidelity and secrecy as complex moral terrain deserves careful examination.

There’s a moment in every betrayal story when the affair ends.

Maybe he got caught. Maybe she dumped him.

Maybe he woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and decided to be a better man.

Regardless of how it happened, the affair is over. And yet—something feels off. He’s home, but he’s not home.

He looks at you, but he’s looking through you. He reaches for your hand, but there’s no grip, no warmth. You ask him how he’s feeling, and he gives you the dead-eyed “I’m fine.”

And then, one day, it hits you like a gut punch. He’s grieving.

Not the loss of your marriage—he’s grieving her. The affair partner. The forbidden, intoxicating, all-consuming fantasy that slipped through his fingers.

And where does that leave you? You—the one who stayed, the one who held your heart together with duct tape and sheer willpower, the one who still, against all odds, wants to make this work?

You deserve to know what’s happening. And, more importantly, you deserve to know what to do about it. This post is for you.

Emotional infidelity can be just as devastating as physical betrayal, leaving partners feeling disconnected, betrayed, and uncertain about the future.

Unlike a physical affair, emotional affairs strike at the core of trust, creating deep wounds that can linger long after the deception has been exposed.

However, for couples willing to commit to healing, rebuilding intimacy is possible.

This post explores the challenges, steps, and research-backed strategies for restoring emotional and physical closeness after emotional infidelity.

Let’s get one thing straight: if you’re lying to your therapist about infidelity, you’re not fooling anyone except yourself. Therapy is a space designed for honesty, growth, and healing.

By hiding a critical truth like infidelity, you’re undermining the entire process and wasting everyone’s time—yours, your therapist’s, and possibly your partner’s.

This blog will break down why people lie, the consequences of that deceit, and why owning up is the only way forward.

Why Do People Lie About Infidelity in Therapy?

The image of the unfaithful man splurging on lavish gifts for his mistress while neglecting his wife is a tale as old as time—or at least as old as Hollywood.

Think Love Actually, where the affair partner gets the expensive necklace, leaving the wife with… well, not much.

But what if this stereotype isn’t true?

According to new research published in Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences, men don’t actually spend more on gifts for their affair partners.

In fact, both men and women invest more in their long-term relationships, reserving fewer resources for extramarital or casual connections.

This revelation turns a common trope upside down and offers fascinating insights into how we show love and commitment.

Cheating may be one of the oldest relationship dilemmas, but the way people define, experience, and meme about it has evolved significantly over time.

Each generation, from Boomers to Gen Z, has shaped its own narrative around loyalty, trust, and boundaries, often reflecting broader social and technological shifts.

For a couples therapist, understanding these generational views can provide insight into how couples today approach fidelity and navigate its potential breaches.

Let’s take a closer look at how Boomers, Gen X, Millennials, and Gen Z approach infidelity, both online and offline.

Infidelity can create seismic shifts in relationships, altering both partners' emotional landscapes and rippling out to affect the entire family system.

While betrayal causes pain and can undermine trust, it also forces both partners—and sometimes their children—into a new phase of self-reflection and relational change.

As Esther Perel, a leading voice on modern relationships, states, “Affairs are way less about sex and a lot more about desire: desire for attention, desire to feel special, desire to feel important.”

Understanding how infidelity changes both partners involves exploring the intricate ways it reshapes their self-perceptions, communication, and the family dynamics they inhabit.

Choosing a partner is one of life’s most consequential decisions, profoundly impacting one’s future trajectory and quality of life.

The search itself presents numerous challenges, from the time investment required to the risk of deception or misjudgment.

So, it’s no wonder humans have developed strategies to help identify good potential partners while minimizing effort and risk.

One common approach is to observe how others respond to a potential mate.

Have you ever found someone more attractive after seeing them receive positive attention? This phenomenon, known as “mate choice copying,” occurs in both humans and animals.

It’s a shortcut we use to identify desirable partners.

New research from the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health offers fresh insights into how narcissistic and borderline personality traits can intensify emotional reactions to infidelity.

The study shows just how these traits shape the emotional fallout from cheating, especially when the relational lines get blurred.

Pssst… if you or your partner have these traits, infidelity is one heck of an emotional minefield.

If you're reading this, you might have that uncomfortable feeling in your gut that something’s not quite right in your relationship.

Infidelity can feel like a gut-wrenching betrayal, leaving deep emotional scars that can take years to heal. While the psychological effects—such as anxiety, depression, and loss of self-esteem—are well-documented, new research reveals that the pain of being cheated on might go even deeper, extending to chronic health issues.

According to a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, the consequences of infidelity can linger long after the relationship ends, potentially leading to lasting health problems that persist even when folks move on to supportive partnerships.

Welcome to the purgatory of merciless self-examination.

You got caught cheating. Infidelity is an ancient weakness. It’s a sin that takes up 20% of the 10 commandments: one commandment against doing it, and the other commandment against just even thinking about doing it.

You’ll come to experience true remorse, but right now you just regret getting in trouble.

I’ll tell you that you’ve got a lot of arduous work ahead of you. Your old marriage is dead, and, because you both want to heal, you might have a chance at redemption.