10 Things Your Cheating Spouse Doesn’t Want You to Know

Tuesday, March 18, 2025.

Infidelity is one of the most painful betrayals a person can experience.

It shakes trust, creates emotional turmoil, and leaves you questioning everything. If you’ve ever suspected—or discovered—your partner’s affair, you’re not alone.

Cheaters often rely on secrecy, rationalizations, and half-truths to maintain their double lives.

Understanding what they don’t want you to know can help you find clarity, validation, and the strength to move forward.

Below, we’ll explore ten uncomfortable truths about infidelity, backed by social science research.

It’s Not Your Fault

One of the most heartbreaking myths about infidelity is that it happens because the betrayed partner wasn’t “enough.” But research shows that cheating is often driven by opportunity, personality traits, and a desire for novelty—not because a spouse failed in some way (Mark et al., 2011). While relationship struggles can create emotional distance, an affair is ultimately a personal choice, not a reflection of your worth.

They May Still Love You

It seems impossible, but many unfaithful partners still love their spouses. A study by Thompson (1983) found that not all affairs happen because of deep dissatisfaction—sometimes, people cheat out of a need for excitement rather than a lack of love. That doesn’t make it right, but it does mean that their actions don’t define your value in the relationship.

Technology Makes It Easier to Hide

Digital infidelity is on the rise. From encrypted messaging apps to secret social media accounts, technology makes it easier than ever for cheaters to cover their tracks (Hertlein & Stevenson, 2010). If you feel like something is off, trust your instincts—gut feelings exist for a reason.

They Justify Their Actions to Themselves

Cheating spouses often convince themselves that their actions are excusable. Research by Buss and Shackelford (1997) suggests that people rationalize affairs by blaming relationship issues, believing their partner doesn’t meet their emotional needs, or minimizing the impact of their betrayal. These mental loopholes don’t make their choices okay, but understanding them can help you see through their excuses.

Emotional Affairs Can Be Just as Painful

Infidelity isn’t always physical. Deep emotional connections outside the marriage can be just as devastating, and studies show they often lead to physical betrayal (Glass & Wright, 1992). If your spouse is emotionally attached to someone else, your feelings of hurt and betrayal are entirely valid.

They Underestimate How Much It Hurts You

Cheaters often don’t fully grasp the emotional devastation they cause. The trauma of discovering an affair can trigger symptoms similar to PTSD—anxiety, hypervigilance, and intrusive thoughts (Cano & O’Leary, 2000). If you feel like your world has shattered, you’re not overreacting. Your pain is real and deserves acknowledgment.

They Are More Likely to Cheat Again

Research shows that past infidelity is one of the strongest predictors of future cheating (Knopp et al., 2017). Once someone has crossed that line and justified it to themselves, it becomes easier to do it again. This doesn’t mean every cheater is incapable of change, but patterns are important to recognize.

They May Have a Backup Plan

Some unfaithful partners keep their affair partner as a safety net—an “exit strategy” in case their marriage ends (Perel, 2017). This doesn’t mean they don’t care about you, but it does suggest they fear being alone more than they value honesty and commitment.

They Rarely Confess Without Proof

Most cheaters don’t confess voluntarily. Studies show that unfaithful spouses usually admit to infidelity only when confronted with undeniable evidence (Allen et al., 2005). Even then, they might downplay what happened or call it a “one-time mistake.” If your gut tells you something is wrong, don’t ignore it.

They Fear Losing the Stability of Their Marriage

Ironically, many cheating spouses don’t want to lose their marriage. They fear the fallout—financial loss, family disruption, and social stigma—more than they fear the consequences of their affair (Amato & Previti, 2003). This is why some cheaters desperately try to keep their affairs secret, hoping to “have it all.”

Moving Forward

If you’re facing infidelity, you deserve support, understanding, and space to process your emotions. You are not alone, and your feelings are valid. Whether you choose to repair the relationship or move on, remember: you are worthy of honesty, respect, and love. Healing takes time, but with knowledge and resilience, you can find your way to a better future.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Allen, E. S., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2005). Premarital precursors of marital infidelity. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 24(7), 1010–1039.

Amato, P. R., & Previti, D. (2003). People's reasons for divorcing: Gender, social class, the life course, and adjustment. Journal of Family Issues, 24(5), 602–626.

Buss, D. M., & Shackelford, T. K. (1997). Susceptibility to infidelity in the first year of marriage. Journal of Research in Personality, 31(2), 193–221.

Cano, A., & O’Leary, K. D. (2000). Infidelity and separations precipitate major depressive episodes and symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder in betrayed partners. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 68(5), 774–781.

Glass, S. P., & Wright, T. L. (1992). Justifications for extramarital relationships: The association between attitudes, behaviors, and gender. Journal of Sex Research, 29(3), 361–387.

Hertlein, K. M., & Stevenson, E. (2010). The seven “A’s” contributing to Internet-related intimacy problems: A literature review and counseling implications. The Family Journal, 18(4), 374–379.

Knopp, K., Scott, S. B., Ritchie, L. L., Rhoades, G. K., Markman, H. J., & Stanley, S. M. (2017). Once a cheater, always a cheater? Serial infidelity across subsequent relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46(8), 2363–2373.

Mark, K. P., Janssen, E., & Milhausen, R. R. (2011). Infidelity in heterosexual couples: Demographic, interpersonal, and personality-related predictors of extradyadic sex. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 40(5), 971–982.

Perel, E. (2017). The state of affairs: Rethinking infidelity. HarperCollins.

Thompson, A. P. (1983). Extramarital sex: A review of the research literature. Journal of Sex Research, 19(1), 1–22.