10 Common Marriage Reconciliation Mistakes to Avoid After Infidelity—With LGBTQ+ Insights

Tuesday, March 18, 2025.

Infidelity can feel like an earthquake in a relationship—shaking the foundation of trust, security, and emotional intimacy.

Some couples separate, but others choose to rebuild. Reconciliation is possible, but only if both partners avoid key mistakes that can sabotage the healing process.

Same-sex couples often face unique challenges in affair recovery due to societal pressures, distinct relationship norms, and identity-related struggles.

While trust and betrayal are universal human experiences, the path to reconciliation in LGBTQ+ relationships may look different from that of heterosexual couples.

In this post, I’ll try to go beyond just the basics, outlining ten common mistakes couples make when trying to repair their marriage after infidelity—and offering research-driven strategies for both heterosexual and LGBTQ+ partners to navigate affair recovery effectively.

Rushing the Healing Process

Healing from infidelity doesn’t happen overnight. Many couples try to move past the affair too quickly, hoping that time alone will mend the wounds. But relationship research consistently shows that rebuilding trust takes time—often years (Gordon et al., 2004).

LGBTQ+ Considerations

A study by Gottman et al. (2003) found that same-sex couples tend to handle conflict differently from heterosexual couples. Gay and lesbian partners are more likely to use humor and validation to navigate emotional conversations, which can be a strength in recovery. However, this strength can also backfire if partners try to brush aside the pain too soon.

✅ What to do instead: Accept that reconciliation is a long-term process. Rather than rushing closure, focus on consistent emotional repair and ongoing discussions about trust rebuilding.

Avoiding Hard Conversations

Ignoring the affair doesn’t make it disappear. Some couples avoid discussing the betrayal, hoping that time will naturally restore trust—but this rarely works (Glass & Wright, 1997).

LGBTQ+ Considerations

In gay male relationships, monogamy is not always assumed. Mohr and Daly (2008) found that LGBTQ+ couples are more likely to create custom definitions of fidelity, meaning betrayal can be harder to define when relationship agreements weren’t explicit.

✅ What to do instead:

• Have honest conversations about what fidelity means in your relationship.

• If the betrayal was emotional rather than physical, explore why outside intimacy felt safer or more fulfilling than the primary relationship.

Expecting the Betrayed Partner to ‘Just Move On’

Infidelity damages the betrayed partner’s sense of security, leaving them with lingering doubts and emotional wounds. Some unfaithful spouses expect their partner to "move on" after apologies, but research suggests that post-infidelity trauma often mirrors PTSD symptoms (Peluso et al., 2011).

LGBTQ+ Considerations

Lesbian couples, in particular, tend to experience higher levels of emotional enmeshment (Kurdek, 2005). This means that betrayal can feel even more destabilizing because partners may feel as though they've lost not just a spouse, but their best friend and emotional anchor.

✅ What to do instead: Instead of pressuring your partner to forgive, focus on validating their emotions and showing consistent, long-term accountability.

Failing to Rebuild Transparency and Accountability

After infidelity, some partners resist transparency, worrying that it will feel like punishment or control. But openness and accountability are crucial for rebuilding trust (Gordon et al., 2004).

LGBTQ+ Considerations

• Gay men in open relationships may need to redefine what transparency and honesty look like in a way that aligns with their unique relationship agreements.

• Lesbian couples often demand greater emotional transparency, leading to heightened expectations for accountability after betrayal (Kurdek, 2005).

✅ What to do instead: Rather than seeing transparency as a loss of freedom, view it as a demonstration of reliability and commitment.

Letting Guilt (or Punishment) Control the Relationship

It’s common for couples to fall into a guilt-driven dynamic after an affair:

• The unfaithful partner becomes consumed by self-hatred and overcompensates.

• The betrayed partner keeps using the affair as an emotional weapon.

This creates an unhealthy power imbalance and prevents true healing.

LGBTQ+ Considerations

For some LGBTQ+ folks, infidelity can resurface deeper identity struggles. If a partner has experienced rejection related to their sexuality, infidelity may reinforce feelings of self-worthlessness (Peplau & Fingerhut, 2007).

✅ What to do instead: Focus on shared healing, not punishment. If identity-related struggles surface, consider LGBTQ+-affirming therapy to address deeper wounds.

Believing Love Alone Is Enough

Love is not enough to repair a marriage after infidelity. Successful reconciliation requires specific tools, strategies, and a commitment to change (Whisman et al., 2010).

LGBTQ+ Considerations

LGBTQ+ couples may struggle with a lack of role models for successful long-term relationships after infidelity. Rostosky et al. (2007) found that LGBTQ+ partners often turn to peers rather than professionals for relationship advice, which can limit access to effective reconciliation strategies.

✅ What to do instead: Actively seek relationship education, couples therapy, and conflict-resolution tools.

Trying to Handle It Alone

Some couples avoid therapy due to stigma, shame, or fear of judgment, but research shows that professional intervention significantly improves reconciliation success rates (Johnson, 2004).

✅ What to do instead: Find an LGBTQ+-affirming couples therapist who understands the unique relationship challenges queer partners face.

Not Addressing the Root Causes

Affairs are often symptoms of deeper relationship struggles, such as:

• Emotional neglect

• Sexual dissatisfaction

• Unresolved conflict (Mark et al., 2011)

✅ What to do instead: Go beyond repairing the betrayal itself and address the vulnerabilities that led to the affair.

Ignoring the Role of Sexual Intimacy

Many couples struggle to re-establish a sexual connection after infidelity. Some rush back into sex as a quick fix, while others avoid intimacy altogether (Blow & Hartnett, 2005).

LGBTQ+ Considerations

• Gay men often separate emotional intimacy from physical intimacy, so infidelity may not always involve an emotional affair (Mohr & Daly, 2008).

• Lesbian couples often report that sexual betrayal is deeply intertwined with emotional betrayal, making physical reconnection more challenging (Kurdek, 2005).

✅ What to do instead: Openly discuss intimacy needs, fears, and boundaries.

Forgetting to Create a New Vision for the Relationship

Rebuilding after infidelity isn’t about returning to the past—it’s about creating a stronger future (Doherty, 2011).

✅ What to do instead: Define new relationship goals, ensuring that both partners’ needs and expectations align moving forward.

Final Thoughts

Infidelity is a devastating experience, but many couples emerge stronger when they commit to rebuilding with honesty, accountability, and intentional change.

For LGBTQ+ couples, navigating affair recovery often involves additional challenges, but with the right tools and support, healing is possible.

Be Well, Stay Kind.and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

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Blow, A. J., & Hartnett, K. (2005). Infidelity in committed relationships I: A methodological review. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 31(2), 183-216. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2005.tb01555.x

Christensen, A., Atkins, D. C., Yi, J., Baucom, D. H., & George, W. H. (2006). Couple and individual adjustment for 2 years following a randomized clinical trial comparing traditional versus integrative behavioral couple therapy. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 74(6), 1180-1191. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.74.6.1180

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Kurdek, L. A. (2005). What do we know about gay and lesbian couples? Current Directions in Psychological Science, 14(5), 251-254. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.0963-7214.2005.00375.x

Mohr, J. J., & Daly, C. A. (2008). Sexual minority stress and changes in relationship quality among lesbian women and gay men in same-sex relationships: An examination of the moderating effects of dyadic coping. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 55(2), 275-287. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-0167.55.2.275

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Peluso, P. R., & Spina, P. J. (2023). Emotional consequences of infidelity: Guilt and regret experiences among involved partners. The Family Journal, 31(3), 327-336. https://doi.org/10.1177/10664807231129315

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