Male Depression and Emotional Affairs: Understanding the Connection

Tuesday, March 18, 2025.

Depression in men often goes unnoticed, unspoken, or misinterpreted as anger, irritability, or workaholism.

Society has conditioned men to suppress vulnerability, making it difficult for them to recognize their struggles—let alone seek help.

This internalized emotional isolation can lead to dangerous coping mechanisms, including emotional affairs.

Research shows that workplace culture plays a critical role in shaping male mental health and, in some cases, can create environments where emotional affairs become a form of escape.

This blog post will explore the intersection of male depression, workplace culture, and emotional affairs through a research-based lens. Along the way, we’ll follow the story of Paul and Stella, a couple navigating the complexities of male depression and emotional infidelity.

Paul and Stella: A Marriage in the Shadows of Depression

Paul, a 42-year-old financial analyst, has always been the steady provider. He takes pride in his work ethic, often logging long hours to ensure his family’s financial stability. Stella, his wife of 15 years, has noticed a shift in Paul’s demeanor over the past year.

Once warm and engaged, Paul now seems distant. He doesn’t snap at her, but his responses are clipped and perfunctory. Their conversations revolve around logistics—who’s picking up the kids, who’s paying the bills. Gone are the days of playful teasing and late-night conversations. Stella wonders if he’s having an affair with Jane his co-worker.

Paul isn’t sleeping well. He tells himself that he’s just tired from work.

But his exhaustion isn’t just physical—it’s emotional. The demands of his high-pressure workplace have increased, and he often feels like he’s drowning under expectations. He finds himself confiding in a female colleague, Jane, about his struggles. She listens with empathy, something he hasn’t felt from Stella in a while—not because she isn’t supportive, but because he hasn’t let her in.

What starts as a series of long conversations at the office turns into something deeper. Paul doesn’t consider himself a cheater, but he can’t deny that Jane understands him in ways Stella no longer does. He tells himself it’s harmless. But emotional affairs often begin in these gray areas, where loneliness seeks solace in someone outside the marriage.

Male Depression: The Silent Epidemic

Depression in men often manifests differently than it does in women. While women are more likely to report sadness and seek social support, men are more prone to expressing distress through irritability, avoidance, and risk-taking behaviors (Cochran & Rabinowitz, 2000).

Many men, like Paul, experience what some psychologists call "covert depression," where symptoms are masked under socially acceptable behaviors such as excessive work or emotional withdrawal (Mahalik et al., 2003).

Men are also significantly less likely than women to seek professional help for depression. According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), only about one-third of men experiencing a major depressive episode seek treatment (NIMH, 2020). This reluctance stems from traditional masculinity norms that equate vulnerability with weakness, reinforcing emotional isolation (Addis & Mahalik, 2003).

The Role of Workplace Culture in Male Depression

The workplace is often where men spend the majority of their waking hours. In competitive, high-performance industries, stress is normalized, and emotional suppression is encouraged. Research indicates that high job strain—characterized by high demands and low control—significantly increases the risk of depression (Virtanen et al., 2018). Paul’s profession as a financial analyst places him in a high-stress environment where expressing emotional distress is often seen as a liability.

Additionally, workplace culture often fosters deep emotional bonds among colleagues. Shared stress, long hours, and the need for emotional release can create environments ripe for emotional affairs (Rendon, 2021). Emotional affairs in workplace settings are particularly common because they develop under the guise of professional camaraderie and mutual understanding (Glass & Wright, 1992).

Emotional Affairs: A Form of Escape

Emotional affairs are often more about self-soothing than about sex. Research suggests that men struggling with depression may turn to emotional affairs not out of dissatisfaction with their marriage but as a means of validation and relief from their emotional burdens (Allen et al., 2005). When men feel unseen in their primary relationships, they may unconsciously seek out relationships where they feel understood, even if it crosses an emotional boundary.

Rebuilding Trust: Can a Marriage Recover?

When Stella confronts Paul about his growing emotional distance, he initially denies any wrongdoing. "Jane and I ...we’re just friends," he blurts emphatically.

. But deep down, he knows it’s more than that. Stella, hurt but not willing to give up on their marriage, encourages Paul to see a therapist. She doesn’t just want to fix their marriage—she wants Paul to feel whole again.

Couples who recover from emotional affairs often do so through a combination of individual and couples therapy. Therapy provides a space where men like Paul can explore their depression without shame and develop healthier coping mechanisms. It also allows couples to rebuild trust by fostering open communication (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

Moving Forward: Breaking the Cycle of Emotional Isolation

Paul’s story is not uncommon. Many men struggling with depression don’t realize they are depressed until they’ve already made choices that jeopardize their relationships. Addressing male depression requires a cultural shift—one that normalizes emotional expression and provides men with healthier outlets for stress.

For couples navigating the aftermath of an emotional affair, healing is possible. It begins with acknowledging the underlying emotional needs that went unmet and committing to honest, vulnerable communication. Depression doesn’t have to be a silent battle, and emotional connection doesn’t have to be found outside the marriage.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Addis, M. E., & Mahalik, J. R. (2003). Men, masculinity, and the contexts of help seeking. American Psychologist, 58(1), 5-14.

Allen, E. S., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2005). Premarital precursors of marital infidelity. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 24(7), 1010–1039.

Cochran, S. V., & Rabinowitz, F. E. (2000). Men and depression: Clinical and empirical perspectives. Academic Press.

Glass, S. P., & Wright, T. L. (1992). Justifications for extramarital relationships: The association between attitudes, behaviors, and gender. Journal of Sex Research, 29(3), 361–387.

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Harmony Books.

Mahalik, J. R., Burns, S. M., & Syzdek, M. (2007). Masculinity and perceived normative health behaviors as predictors of men’s health behaviors. Social Science & Medicine, 64(11), 2201-2209.

National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). (2020). Men and mental health. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/men-and-mental-health

Rendon, M. (2021). The hidden dangers of workplace friendships: When professional relationships cross emotional boundaries. Harvard Business Review, 99(2), 45-52.

Virtanen, M., Jokela, M., Madsen, I. E., Magnusson Hanson, L. L., Lallukka, T., Nyberg, S. T., & Kivimäki, M. (2018). Long working hours and depressive symptoms: Systematic review and meta-analysis of published studies and unpublished individual participant data. Scandinavian Journal of Work, Environment & Health, 44(3), 239-250.