What happens to the body during the pain of divorce?

Monday, August 5, 2024.

When Emma and John decided to end their marriage after 15 years together, the emotional turbulence they faced was daunting.

With two young children caught in the middle, their journey through divorce was not only about separating lives but also about managing the psychological and physical tolls of such a significant change.

As a science-based couples counselor, I aim to shed light on what really happens to your body and mind during a breakup, using Emma and John’s story as a guide.

Let's explore the physiological and psychological responses and strategies for navigating this challenging period.

Experiencing Physical Pain

One of the most surprising aspects of divorce is the physical pain associated with it. Emma described feeling as though she had been hit by a truck. According to Dr. Cwanza A. Pinckney, a board-certified emergency physician, this reaction is entirely normal.

"After a traumatic emotional event like a breakup, your body truly does experience physical pain," says Dr. Pinckney.

"Medical research shows that the same pain receptors triggered when you break a leg light up just the same after a painful breakup." This shared experience underscores the body's profound response to emotional distress.

Withdrawal Symptoms: Craving Connection

John found himself compulsively checking his phone for messages from Emma, a behavior akin to withdrawal symptoms seen in substance addiction.

Dr. Pinckney explains, "A breakup with an intimate partner can truly elicit withdrawal symptoms that mimic withdrawal off of drugs." The brain's reward system, once flooded with pleasure-producing hormones during the relationship, suddenly craves the lost connection, making it difficult to move on.

Weight Fluctuations: Stress Eating or Loss of Appetite

Emma noticed she was eating more junk food, while John lost his appetite entirely, shedding pounds rapidly. These contrasting reactions are both common post-breakup.

Stress can lead to increased cortisol levels, causing some to overeat as a coping mechanism. Conversely, others may experience a surge of adrenaline, which suppresses appetite and speeds up metabolism, leading to weight loss.

Stress and Its Consequences

Both Emma and John felt the weight of immense stress, affecting their overall health.

Psychologist Jenev Caddell notes, "Stress hormones like cortisol are released, which over time can lead to decreased immune functioning and a lot of other health problems." This prolonged stress response can weaken the body, making it crucial to find healthy coping mechanisms to manage the stress.

Hormonal Imbalance: Adrenaline and Norepinephrine Surge

Emma often felt her heart racing and experienced shortness of breath, classic signs of increased adrenaline and norepinephrine levels.

Dr. Lynn Anderson, a yoga therapist, explains, "Adrenaline and norepinephrine are two hormones that the body produces in the face of stress. They push the response button by raising your heart rate, tensing your muscles, producing quick short breaths and making you sweat."

This physiological response is a survival mechanism, but it can become overwhelming during the prolonged stress of a breakup.

Obsessing Over the Ex: Dopamine's Role

John found himself obsessing over the relationship, unable to stop replaying events in his mind. He also smoked a lot more weed, and soon had a bottle a night wine habit.

Research by Dr. Helen Fisher shows that the brain's dopamine system, which governs reward and motivation, remains highly active post-breakup. This leads to obsessive thoughts as the brain seeks to make sense of the loss and regain a sense of reward. Heartbreak is often soothed by bad habits.

Endless Pro and Con Lists: The Nucleus Accumbens at Work

Emma couldn't stop weighing the pros and cons of her decision to divorce.

This mental exercise is driven by the nucleus accumbens, a brain region involved in reward and decision-making.

As Caddell points out, "This has to do with why you are questioning and thinking and weighing all kinds of pros and cons and revisiting history a thousand times in your head."

Lethargy and Fatigue

Both Emma and John experienced profound fatigue, a natural consequence of their emotional ordeal.

Stephen Duclos, a certified sex therapist, explains, "When we break up with a close relational or sexual partner, we experience a sense of fatigue, as if we have just finished a kind of emotional marathon." This lethargy is the body's way of processing and recovering from the emotional stress.

Relief and Guilt: Complex Emotions

Interestingly, both Emma and John also felt a sense of relief, quickly followed by guilt.

Duclos also notes, "When we uncouple from a troubled relationship, we almost immediately have a sense of relief, which is accompanied by a sense of guilt for feeling relieved of the responsibilities of being in the relationship." Understanding that these emotions are normal can help in navigating them without additional stress.

Nervous System Flooding: Understanding the Overwhelm

Emma often felt overwhelmed by intense emotions, a phenomenon known as "flooding."

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, describes flooding as an intense emotional and physiological response that can occur during conflicts and stress.

"Flooding leaves you feeling physically and emotionally overwhelmed, making it difficult to think clearly or engage in constructive dialogue," says Gottman.

This response is linked to the activation of the sympathetic nervous system, which triggers the body's fight-or-flight response.

When John felt flooded, his heart rate increased, his muscles tensed, and he struggled to communicate effectively. This physiological response can make it challenging to navigate discussions and decisions during a breakup. Recognizing the signs of flooding and taking steps to calm the nervous system, such as deep breathing or taking a break from the conversation, can help manage this overwhelming response.

Strategies for Recovery

Despite the challenges, there are effective strategies to manage post-breakup stress. Surrounding oneself with social support, as Caddell advises, is crucial. "This social support from friends and family does not replace the relationship you had, but can definitely help you cope better and experience a decreased stress response."

Additionally, engaging in new activities can provide a much-needed distraction and a sense of achievement. Emma took up yoga, finding it helped to calm her mind and body. John started a new hobby, which kept him engaged and provided a creative outlet for his emotions.

Seeking Professional Help

When self-help strategies aren't enough, seeking professional guidance can be invaluable. A therapist can provide tools to develop a narrative around the breakup, helping individuals understand and process their emotions effectively.

The Path to Healing

While the physical and emotional aftereffects of a breakup are painful, they won't last forever.

I encouraged Emma and John to learn how to take care of themselves, be patient, and find joy in small pleasures with their children as they navigated this difficult time.

By understanding the science behind their experiences and employing effective coping strategies, they began to heal and move forward with their lives. I did my best to help them with that.

Perhaps Emma and John’s journey might provide insights and support for anyone going through a breakup. It’s best to be equipped with the knowledge and strategies to manage your emotional and physical health effectively.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.