Spider-Webbing: Unmasking a toxic dating trend through a science-based lens
Monday, August 5, 2024. This is also for Jen Delmonte, who helped me find this keyword! Good luck in school!
As a science-based couples therapist, I see various manipulative behaviors from time to time that can damage relationships.
One emerging trend that encapsulates multiple toxic tactics is known as “spider-webbing.”
This term, popularized by dating expert Emma Hathorn, describes a constellation of manipulative strategies designed to ensnare a partner in a web of deceit.
Let’s discuss the specifics of spider-webbing, exploring its impact and how to recognize and address it in relationships.
Understanding Spider-Webbing
Spider-webbing is a complex interplay of several manipulative behaviors such as gaslighting, love bombing, breadcrumbing and Therapy-baiting. Each tactic serves to keep the victim off-balance, creating a dynamic where the perpetrator maintains control.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation tactic where the abuser makes the victim question their reality. According to Dr. Robin Stern, author of The Gaslight Effect, gaslighting often leaves individuals feeling confused and dependent on the abuser for a sense of reality. “Gaslighters are masters of deflection,” Stern notes, “and can make their victims feel as though their concerns are invalid or irrational” (Stern, 2007).
Love Bombing
Love bombing involves overwhelming someone with affection, attention, and gifts to gain control over their emotions. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and narcissism expert, explains, “Love bombing is about creating a sense of dependency. It’s intense, overwhelming, and makes the victim crave the abuser's approval and affection” (Durvasula, 2018).
Breadcrumbing
Breadcrumbing is the act of sending intermittent signals of interest without any real intention of commitment. According to Dr. Suzanne Degges-White, breadcrumbing keeps the victim hooked while the abuser exerts minimal effort. “It’s about control and maintaining interest without investing fully in the relationship,” Degges-White states (Degges-White, 2019).
The Insidious Nature of Spider-Webbing
Spider-webbing, much like a literal spider’s web, is designed to be subtle and hard to detect until it’s too late. Victims often don’t realize they are trapped until they are deeply ensnared in the manipulative net. Each tactic seamlessly transitions into the next, making it difficult for the victim to recognize the manipulation.
“Manipulative partners use a variety of tactics to keep their victims entangled and dependent,” says Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher. “Understanding these behaviors is crucial in identifying and breaking free from toxic relationships” (Gottman, 1999).
Recognizing the Signs
Gaslighting: You frequently doubt your memories and perceptions, feeling confused and questioning your sanity.
Love Bombing: Your partner showers you with excessive attention and affection initially, only to withdraw it unexpectedly.
Breadcrumbing: Your partner gives you just enough attention to keep you interested but never fully commits.
Shifting Tactics: As you become aware of one manipulative behavior, your partner switches to another, keeping you perpetually off-balance.
Therapy Baiting: Therapy-baiting is the art of using therapy jargon to appear sensitive and evolved, hopefully triggering a swooning reaction. This new and emerging phenomenon is mainly, but not exclusively, perpetrated by men.
Breaking Free from the Web
To break free from spider-webbing, it’s essential to recognize these behaviors and take proactive steps to protect yourself:
Trust Your Instincts: If something feels off, it probably is. Keep a journal to document behaviors and patterns.
Set Boundaries: Clearly define what is acceptable and unacceptable in your relationship, and adhere to these boundaries.
Seek Support: Talk to trusted friends, family, or a therapist who can provide an outside perspective and support. I can help with that.
Educate Yourself: Learn about manipulative behaviors to recognize and avoid them in future relationships.
Final thoughts
Understanding spider-webbing and its various components is vital for any human looking for love and connection. By recognizing the signs and taking steps to protect oneself, individuals can avoid becoming trapped in these manipulative webs.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Degges-White, S. (2019). Toxic Friendships: Knowing the Rules and Dealing with the Friends Who Break Them. Rowman & Littlefield.
Durvasula, R. (2018). Should I Stay or Should I Go? Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist. Post Hill Press.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. Harmony Books.
Stern, R. (2007). The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life. Morgan Road Books.
