The "Un-Honeymoon Phase": Why the First Year of Marriage Can Be the Toughest

Sunday, March 16, 2025. Fredericksburg Virginia.

Conventional wisdom tells us that the first year of marriage should be a blissful honeymoon, a seamless transition into eternal wedded harmony.

But let's be honest: for many couples, the inaugural year feels less like a fairy tale and more like an unedited reality show.

The Myth of the Perpetual Honeymoon

The "honeymoon phase" is often portrayed as a period of unblemished joy and effortless connection. However, some experts argue that this concept sets unrealistic expectations.

Research indicates that newly married couples may experience a decline in marital satisfaction during the early years of marriage (Birditt et al., 2010).

This phenomenon, sometimes referred to as a "wedding hangover," highlights the challenges couples face as they adjust to married life.

The Reality Check: Common Challenges in the First Year

Several factors contribute to the turbulence often experienced during the first year of marriage:

Financial Friction

Combining finances can be a contentious issue. Newlyweds often face financial adjustments, such as combining incomes, managing debt, and planning for future expenses. Discussions about money can lead to conflicts if not managed openly and honestly (Risch et al., 2003).

Blending Families

Integrating two families into one cohesive unit can be challenging. Differences in family traditions, expectations, and dynamics can lead to misunderstandings and stress. Managing these relationships requires patience and clear communication (Serewicz, 2013).

Role Negotiation

Determining who does what in the household can be a source of tension. Without open discussions about expectations and responsibilities, couples may find themselves frustrated by unmet assumptions (Risch et al., 2003).

Communication Breakdown

Effective communication is the cornerstone of a healthy marriage. However, newlyweds may still be learning how to communicate their needs, preferences, and concerns effectively, which can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts (Feeney & Karantzas, 2017).

Loss of Individual Space

Sharing a living space can lead to feelings of lost independence. Balancing time together and time apart is crucial to maintaining a healthy relationship (Serewicz, 2013).

Conflicting Perspectives: Is the First Year Truly the Hardest?

While many attest to the difficulties of the first marital year, others argue that it's not universally the most challenging. Some studies suggest that marital problems remain stable over time, even as satisfaction declines (Birditt et al., 2010).

Additionally, major life transitions, such as the birth of a child or career changes, can introduce new stressors beyond the first year (Risch et al., 2003).

Navigating the Un-Honeymoon Phase

So, how can couples steer their marital ship through these choppy first-year waters?

• Open Communication: Regularly discussing feelings, expectations, and concerns can prevent misunderstandings and build a stronger bond (Feeney & Karantzas, 2017).

• Financial Planning: Establishing a clear financial plan and setting mutual goals can alleviate money-related tensions (Risch et al., 2003).

• Setting Boundaries: Balancing time together and apart ensures that both partners maintain their individuality while nurturing the relationship (Serewicz, 2013).

• Seeking Support: Engaging in premarital counseling or joining support groups can provide valuable tools and perspectives for newlyweds (Doss et al., 2009).

We must have compassion for the fact that he first year of marriage is a period of significant adjustment. Recognizing and addressing the potential challenges can transform this "un-honeymoon" phase into a solid foundation for a lasting partnership.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Birditt, K. S., Brown, E., Orbuch, T. L., & McIlvane, J. M. (2010). Marital conflict behaviors and implications for divorce over 16 years. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(5), 1188-1204.

Doss, B. D., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2009). Marital therapy, retreats, and books: The who, what, when, and why of relationship help-seeking. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 35(1), 18-29.

Feeney, J. A., & Karantzas, G. C. (2017). Couple conflict: Insights from an attachment perspective. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 60-64.

Risch, G. S., Riley, L. A., & Lawler, M. G. (2003). Problematic issues in the early years of marriage: Content for premarital education. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 31(3), 253-269.

Serewicz, M. C. M. (2013). In-law relationships. In D. C. Kirkpatrick, S. Duck, & M. K. Foley (Eds.), Relating difficulty: The processes of constructing and managing difficult interaction (pp. 111-128). Routledge.

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The "Un-Honeymoon Phase": Why the First Year of Marriage Can Be the Toughest

Marriage, the thing that poets wax lyrical about and sitcoms treat as a punchline, is supposed to start with a blissful honeymoon phase. The world expects newlyweds to be drunk on love, immune to petty disagreements, and entirely incapable of keeping their hands off each other.

Except reality is a little less “happily ever after” and a little more “Wait, why do you breathe so loudly?”

Research suggests that the first year of marriage is often one of the hardest—not because love has died, but because the illusion of effortless love is dead on arrival (Birditt et al., 2010). Couples go in expecting a never-ending rom-com, only to find themselves starring in an indie film about emotional labor, financial anxiety, and the politics of dishwasher-loading.

The Honeymoon Myth: A Hallmark Lie?

The idea that newlyweds float on a cloud of happiness for an entire year has been drilled into our collective consciousness. The wedding industry, romantic comedies, and even well-meaning grandparents have perpetuated the notion that the first year should be a dream—all pillow fights and breakfast in bed.

Except the research paints a different picture.

• A study by Lavner, Karney, and Bradbury (2014) found that marital satisfaction tends to decline right after the wedding—not because people marry the wrong person, but because expectations don’t match reality.

• Another study found that 44% of newlyweds report significant conflict over financial issues within the first year (Dew, 2008).

• Even couples who lived together before marriage still experienced adjustment difficulties, proving that familiarity does not automatically equal harmony (Rhoades et al., 2009).

So what happens? Why do two lovebirds who willingly signed a legal contract to spend their lives together suddenly find themselves bickering over whether or not the toilet paper roll should go over or under?

Let’s take a look at the main reasons the first year can feel less like a honeymoon and more like a low-budget survival show.

1. "Wait, You Weren’t Faking That?": The Death of Performative Dating

During the pre-marriage stage, both partners (consciously or not) put their best selves forward.

✔ He enthusiastically agreed to Sunday brunches with her friends.
✔ She laughed at his jokes that weren’t funny.
✔ They both pretended that “compromise” came naturally to them.

But once the wedding bells fade, the masks come off. No one is actively trying to impress anymore. Suddenly:

❌ He realizes she takes 45 minutes to pick a movie and still isn’t happy with her choice.
❌ She realizes he never actually liked brunch—he just tolerated it for points.
❌ They both realize that the other person has weird, deeply ingrained habits that are not going anywhere.

This shift from curated romance to unfiltered reality can be jarring. And if expectations aren’t adjusted, frustration sets in fast (Lavner et al., 2014).

2. Financial Friction: Love Isn’t Free, and Neither is Netflix

One of the biggest marital landmines in the first year? Money.

A study by Dew (2008) found that financial disagreements are one of the strongest predictors of early marital stress.

• One partner might be a saver, the other a spender.

• Debt from the wedding itself can create immediate financial pressure.

• The unspoken “rules” about money management suddenly become daily decisions.

Newlyweds often go from splitting bills casually while dating to full-scale budget negotiations about who pays for what, how much to save, and whether or not organic avocados are worth the extra cost.

If they don’t establish financial teamwork early, these small money fights can turn into long-term resentment factories (Dew, 2008).

3. "I Married You, Not Your Entire Family": The In-Law Dilemma

The first year of marriage is rarely just about two people—it’s about two entire family systems trying to merge.

And if those systems don’t get along? Buckle up.

• One study found that conflict with in-laws is linked to long-term marital dissatisfaction, especially when one partner feels caught in the middle (Serewicz, 2013).

• Mothers-in-law often receive special blame in marriage research. A study by Orbuch (2009) found that men who had close relationships with their wives' mothers early in marriage were more likely to stay together long-term—but the reverse was not true for women and their husbands’ mothers.

Translation? Women tend to struggle more with their in-laws than men do, and unresolved in-law tension can be a major stressor in the first year.

4. The Role Negotiation Battle: Who Does What Now?

Despite all the progress in gender equality, many couples still enter marriage with unspoken (and often conflicting) expectations about household roles.

• A study by Rhoades et al. (2009) found that even couples who lived together before marriage often reverted to more traditional gender roles once they tied the knot.

• Women tend to take on more household labor post-marriage, even in progressive relationships (Cowan & Cowan, 2012).

• Disagreements over chores, cooking, and emotional labor are a leading cause of first-year conflict.

If a couple doesn’t explicitly discuss expectations, they risk falling into default patterns that frustrate both people.

5. The Psychological Shift: “Oh My God, This is Forever”

One of the strangest first-year marriage struggles is the sudden realization of permanence.

Before marriage, breakups were technically possible—even if unlikely. But now? There’s paperwork involved. There are legal consequences.

• This shift can trigger a psychological resistance to commitment in some individuals, even when they love their partner (Stanley et al., 2010).

• The paradox of choice kicks in—“Did I make the right decision?” becomes a recurring thought.

• Suddenly, small annoyances feel magnified because the stakes feel higher.

This is not a sign of a doomed marriage—it’s a natural part of adjusting to lifelong commitment (Stanley et al., 2010).

How to Survive the "Un-Honeymoon" Phase

If the first year of marriage feels rough, take heart: you’re not alone. Most couples go through some version of this adjustment period, and many come out stronger.

Practical Tips for Making It Work

✔ Normalize the struggle. Knowing that this phase is common can help prevent panic or overreaction (Doss et al., 2009).

✔ Have the tough conversations early. Talk about finances, roles, expectations, and in-laws before they turn into long-term resentment cycles (Rhoades et al., 2009).

✔ Make room for individual space. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you have to be glued together. Prioritizing independent time and hobbies reduces friction (Serewicz, 2013).

✔ Seek support. Premarital counseling, marriage retreats, and check-in conversations can all help smooth out the rough spots (Doss et al., 2009).