Come Closer, Stay Back: The Intimacy Struggles of the Avoidantly Attached
Sunday, June 29, 2025. This is for A.
Once upon a push–pull, a handsome someone didn’t text you back.
Or they did—but not for 17 hours.
Then they sent a link to a frog video with no context, no follow-up, and no emotional closure. TikTok labeled them “avoidantly attached,” and now we all feel better.
Or do we?
In the online relationship zoo, avoidant partners have become the sexy villains of the decade—stoic, mysterious, and emotionally distant until, inevitably, they disappear mid-bond.
But if we scrape away the memes, moralizing, and Instagram therapy bait, we’re left with something much more complicated:
Avoidant people often desperately want connection.
They just don’t trust it.
Or themselves.
Or you.
Or time.
Or hope.
Let’s talk about that.
What Is Avoidant Attachment, Really?
Avoidant attachment is one of the classic insecure attachment styles described by Bowlby (1988) and expanded upon by Hazan and Shaver (1987).
Souls with avoidant tendencies learned, often very early, that emotional closeness is risky—that it leads to rejection, smothering, or shame.
So they learned to minimize it. Not because they’re cold. Because it hurt too much to want what they couldn’t safely have.
Avoidant adults tend to:
Downplay the importance of relationships.
Value independence above intimacy.
Withdraw when vulnerable.
Experience internal alarm at closeness, even if they initiated it.
Unlike anxious attachers, who protest disconnection, avoidants preempt it—by appearing indifferent, by ghosting, by staying two steps ahead of rejection at all times.
It’s a tragic kind of strategic withdrawal: “If I don’t need you, you can’t disappoint me.”
How Avoidants Experience Intimacy (That They Might Never Tell You)
This is where the memes get it wrong. Avoidantly attached people aren’t ice-hearted sociopaths.
They feel things. Often deeply. But their nervous systems interpret intimacy as a threat.
Here’s what that might look like:
Longing for closeness but shutting down the moment it starts to happen.
Feeling criticized by neutral feedback because it stirs old shame.
Preferring texting over talking because it gives time to script emotional distance.
Ending relationships “out of nowhere” because the closeness became unbearable—even if the partner did nothing wrong.
And underneath it all?
Shame.
Deep, burning shame that says: If someone really sees me, they’ll leave. Or worse—they’ll stay and I’ll owe them everything.
As theorist Dan Siegel might put it, their window of tolerance for vulnerability is narrow and easily overloaded (Siegel, 2012). The threat isn't the partner—it's the involuntary aliveness that intimacy stirs.
The Fear of Engulfment
One of the most misunderstood dynamics in avoidant attachment is the fear of engulfment.
To the avoidant nervous system, intimacy can feel like being swallowed whole.
Their independence—the very thing they used to survive—is at stake.
So even loving gestures can read as pressure, and even secure partners can feel suffocating.
This leads to self-sabotage not because they don’t care, but because care feels dangerous.
This fear isn’t irrational. It’s historical.
Somewhere in their story, closeness came with conditions. Love meant obligation. Attention meant control. Dependence meant debt.
So they learned to need less. Or at least appear to.
When “Independence” Is Really Self-Protection
Avoidants are often praised by our culture. We admire the stoic. The self-sufficient. The one who needs nothing and demands little. But too often what we label as "independent" is simply a defensive adaptation.
True independence is grounded in confidence. Avoidant “independence” is often grounded in fear. It says:
“I can’t afford to let you in.”
“Needing you feels like failure.”
“If I depend on you, I’ll lose control.”
That’s not empowerment. That’s armor.
So Can Avoidants Love?
Yes. Unequivocally yes. But it’s a different kind of work.
Avoidantly attached people often love best when:
The relationship includes spaciousness.
Emotional intimacy is built gradually and non-coercively.
Their shame is met with curiosity, not judgment.
There’s room to leave and return.
In therapy, this often means expanding what Sue Johnson (2019) calls the “safe haven” in a relationship. For avoidants, love must be a place that respects solitude without enforcing it. It must welcome the return without punishing the absence.
How Avoidants Can Start to Heal
Notice your patterns without shame.
Avoidants often feel ashamed of their shame. Begin with gentle awareness. You’re not broken—you adapted.Name what you feel, not what you think.
“I need space” often covers “I feel overwhelmed” or “I’m scared you’ll need too much from me.” Translate.Practice staying a little longer.
In hard conversations, in moments of closeness—pause before you bolt. Take one breath. Then another.Let partners earn your trust slowly.
You don’t have to be wide open. You just have to be a little open. Enough to test the waters. Enough to not drown in your own fortress.Consider therapy—especially emotionally focused or somatic approaches.
Talking about your fear isn’t always enough. You need to experience co-regulation. You need someone who won't flinch when you do.
Final Thought: Avoidants Aren’t Villains. They’re Veterans.
They’re not all bad partners, really. Many are just overtrained survivors.
They learned to rely on themselves because it worked.
But relationships aren’t solo missions. And longing doesn’t disappear just because you learn to live without what you need.
Avoidant people yearn.
They just don’t always know where to put the wanting.
If you're avoidant, this isn't a diagnosis. It’s an invitation.
Come closer. Stay a little longer.
You don’t have to disappear to feel safe.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.
Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.52.3.511
Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. The Guilford Press.
Siegel, D. J. (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.