Gaslighting? Or ADHD Time-Blindness? How to Tell the Difference in Your Relationship
Sunday, June 29, 2025.
When late feels like betrayal
You said you’d be home at 6. It’s now 7:12.
Your partner is furious. You’re bewildered.
They say you’re gaslighting them.
You were just trying to grab the groceries.
Sound familiar?
In neurodiverse relationships—especially those involving ADHD—this scene plays out in thousands of kitchens every night.
One partner is triggered by broken expectations. The other genuinely doesn’t understand what went wrong.
This post unpacks the critical difference between emotional abuse and executive dysfunction—and why mistaking one for the other can damage even the most loving partnerships.
What Is Gaslighting—and What Isn’t?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which one person seeks to make another doubt their own memory, perception, or sanity. It’s:
Intentional
Repeated
Used to control or destabilize
Classic examples:
“I never said that—you’re imagining things.”
“You’re so sensitive, you make things up.”
“You’re crazy. No one else sees what you see.”
It’s not simply being wrong. Or forgetful. Or disorganized.
And it’s definitely not:
Saying “I honestly don’t remember.”
Forgetting an agreement.
Being late because you misjudged time.
But when your brain works differently, those honest mistakes can still hurt people—deeply.
Time-Blindness: The Invisible ADHD Struggle
One of the lesser-known features of ADHD is time-blindness—a profound difficulty sensing the passage of time or planning based on future events.
According to Dr. Russell Barkley (2012), ADHD affects the internal clock that helps people estimate durations, sequence tasks, and prioritize based on time constraints.
People with ADHD often live in what Barkley calls “the now and not now.”
If something isn’t happening right now, it may as well not exist. If something is urgent, it consumes all available attention. Time collapses into chaos without external scaffolding.
This might look like saying “I’ll leave in ten minutes,” and not leaving for forty. Or forgetting the dinner date you set yesterday, even though you meant it at the time.
Or insisting you “just looked at the clock” when it’s been an hour.
It’s not manipulation. It’s neurological overwhelm. But to someone who doesn’t understand what ADHD really looks like, it can feel indistinguishable from deceit.
Why It Can Feel Like Gaslighting—Even When It’s Not
Here’s where things get emotionally tangled. ADHD can involve working memory lapses, delayed emotional processing, and what seems like selective recall. That means the ADHD partner might genuinely not remember promising to call, or may feel startled and ashamed when they’re confronted.
At the same time, the neurotypical partner may experience feelings of abandonment, confusion, and mistrust. If they’ve never heard of time-blindness or executive dysfunction, the pattern may feel eerily familiar—like the emotional destabilization that comes with gaslighting.
The difference lies in intent.
A person with ADHD typically reacts with confusion or guilt when told they’ve let their partner down.
They’re more likely to apologize profusely, show signs of shame, or even panic about having hurt someone they love.
In contrast, a gaslighter tends to respond with contempt or cold confidence. They may twist the narrative, blame the partner for being “too sensitive,” and show little to no emotional investment in repair. Their denials aren’t clumsy—they’re calculated.
When Neurodivergent Couples Misfire Emotionally
When ADHD partners forget, get distracted, or drop the ball, it’s not about malice. But it still causes pain. Neurotypical partners often interpret these ruptures as:
Indifference
Passive aggression
Psychological harm
If those partners don’t understand how ADHD works, they may reach for the only framework they know: gaslighting.
And suddenly, the conflict escalates into false accusations of abuse—a devastating label.
What’s needed instead? Education. Tools.
And a shared language that sees executive dysfunction not as moral failure, but as something that requires compassion and support.
How to Repair: Tools for Both Partners
For ADHD Partners:
Start by externalizing your time management. Use visual timers, alarms, and shared calendars that both partners can access.
If you know time-blindness is a factor, say so. “I want to be on time. Can you help me set a reminder?” goes a long way.
Be mindful of the impact of your forgetfulness, even when your intent is pure. Validate your partner’s hurt feelings. Instead of defensiveness, try: “I see why that felt upsetting. I didn’t mean to miss it—but I get why it hurt.”
For Neurotypical Partners:
Learn about ADHD’s impact on executive function. Dr. Barkley’s work is a good place to start. Recognize that forgetting isn’t always gaslighting, and disorganization isn’t always disregard.
Try to ask neutral, curiosity-based questions like, “Is this something you forgot, or do we remember it differently?” Focus on building shared solutions rather than winning the memory war.
What Therapists Should Know (But Often Don’t)
Many therapists are trained to identify gaslighting but not trained in neurodivergence. That’s a dangerous mismatch.
Mislabeling ADHD-related forgetfulness as emotional abuse:
Destroys trust
Reinforces shame
Undermines progress
Instead, couples therapy should:
Normalize cognitive differences
Teach co-regulation tools that respect both brains
Include psychoeducation about ADHD, especially executive dysfunction and emotional regulation
As Sari Solden and Michelle Frank (2019) point out, healing ADHD relationships requires "rewriting the shame script"—together.
Wrap-Up: Labels Hurt—Understanding Heals
Not every hurt is abuse.
Not every memory gap is manipulation.
Not every late arrival is a betrayal.
When ADHD meets love, misattunement is inevitable. But so is healing—if we make space for it.
So before you call it gaslighting, take a breath.
Ask what else might be true.
Because the most dangerous thing we can do to a neurodivergent partner…
…is treat their confusion like cruelty.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Barkley, R. A. (2012). Executive functions: What they are, how they work, and why they evolved. The Guilford Press.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
Solden, S., & Frank, M. M. (2019). A radical guide for women with ADHD: Embrace neurodiversity, live boldly, and break through barriers. New Harbinger Publications.