Some New Thoughts on Emotional Fluency in Men

Monday, July 7, 2025.

Why the Next Chapter of Masculinity Isn’t About Crying on Cue—but Communicating with Precision

There’s a man somewhere right now in couples therapy, trying to explain to his partner that he isn’t “emotionally unavailable”—he just never learned the language. He doesn’t lack feelings. He lacks a grammar.

The irony is he’s not alone.

In 2025, something is shifting. The old cultural story—“men don’t feel”—is finally giving way to a richer, more dangerous truth: men do feel.

Deeply. Frequently. Often with confusion. Occasionally with terror.

The question isn’t if men feel. It’s whether they’re allowed to say what they feel without being shamed into silence or theatricality.

This is not about softening men into sainthood or turning every dude into a walking TED Talk on childhood trauma.

It’s about building emotional fluency: the capacity to notice, name, and navigate internal states—and communicate them with enough clarity that someone else doesn’t have to decode the aftermath.

Why Now?

Partly because the old models aren’t working. The “strong silent type” isn’t saving marriages.

Nor is the “over-sharing for likes” type. Vulnerability, when flattened into confession or curated into performance, can backfire.

Terry Real, the pioneering relational therapist, puts it this way:

“We ask men to be vulnerable, but we don’t teach them to be responsible with their vulnerability.” (Real, 2022)

Meanwhile, cultural figures like Justin Baldoni, who began as a sort of Instagram-era prophet of male tears, have recalibrated the message. It’s not “real men cry.” It’s “real men communicate clearly, regulate wisely, and repair quickly.”

The shift is away from emotional exhibitionism and toward emotional competence—knowing how to feel without flailing, how to stay connected without collapsing, how to ask for what you need without hurting the person you love.

The Problem with “Vulnerability” as a Cure-All

The vulnerability movement gave us an important start.

Brené Brown, the reigning queen of courage, helped both genders de-shame the act of emotional disclosure. But when men are told vulnerability is the gold standard of growth, it creates its own special sort of trap.

What if a man’s way of processing isn’t through weeping or verbal unraveling? What if his nervous system needs pacing, stillness, a day’s delay?

If we define emotional health too narrowly—as in-the-moment softness or performative openness—we miss the wider range of human experience. And we re-create the very system we’re trying to dismantle: a rigid box, only with new packaging.

Emotional Fluency Defined

So what is emotional fluency?

It is not crying on cue.
It is not trauma-dumping.
It is not “being nice.”

Emotional fluency is the practiced ability to:

• Detect your internal state

• Accurately name the feeling

• Reflect on its context and meaning

• Share it in a regulated and respectful way

• Choose a response that honors both you and the other person

In other words, emotional fluency is relational intelligence with a nervous system filter.

What the Research Says

Studies in emotion regulation, especially among men, reveal a persistent pattern: men are not less emotional, but they are more likely to use expressive suppression—consciously inhibiting outward emotional responses (Gross & John, 2003). This suppression is linked to higher rates of depression, cardiovascular disease, and marital dissatisfaction (Kahn et al., 2011; Rohr et al., 2014).

Men who develop what psychologist James Gross calls “emotion regulation flexibility”—being able to shift strategies depending on context—report greater life satisfaction and relationship stability (Bonanno & Burton, 2013).

Meanwhile, new work on alexithymia (difficulty identifying and expressing emotions) shows that it disproportionately affects men, not because of biological incapacity, but because of social conditioning and emotional neglect during development (Nowakowski et al., 2022).

This means we’re not looking at broken equipment. We’re kinda looking at unpracticed muscles.

The Cost of Emotional Inarticulacy in Intimate Relationships

In heterosexual relationships especially, women often report feeling like the “emotional sherpa”—carrying the entire weight of the relational ecosystem. This isn’t because men don’t care. It’s because many don’t know how to name what they feel until it’s too late.

Here is our human dilemma in a nutshell: By the time the average man says “I’m angry,” he’s usually already escalated.

By the time he says “I’m sad,” he may have already withdrawn. There is no space between stimulus and response—just survival mode.

This mismatch can lead partners to misinterpret emotional distance as disinterest, stoicism as emotional immaturity, and confusion as cruelty. Over time, emotional opacity erodes trust.

Training the Muscle of Fluency

Here’s what’s working, according to clinicians I’m talking with:

• Parts Work (IFS): Helps men distinguish between competing internal states. “A part of me feels ashamed” is more accessible than “I’m ashamed.” (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2019)

• Somatic Awareness Practices: Men often learn emotion through sensation before language. Noticing tight jaws, racing hearts, clenched fists is a gateway into deeper insight.

• Regulated Dialogue Models (like RLT): Teach men to stay in the conversation even when uncomfortable, emphasizing repair over reactivity. (Real, 2022)

• Micro-Moment Journaling: Writing down brief emotional check-ins throughout the day (what happened, what you felt, what you did) trains self-awareness in non-performative ways.

These are not "soft skills." They are relational survival skills in the post-shame era.

The End of Shame, Not the End of Strength

Let’s be clear: this is not about erasing masculine strength. It’s about upgrading it. Real strength is not the absence of feeling. It is the capacity to feel and still choose wisely. To stay present during discomfort.

To know when to pause. To know when to say, “I don’t know yet—can we revisit this when I’ve cooled down?”

The most emotionally fluent men are not always eloquent. They are often quiet, measured, thoughtful. But they are safe to love. Because they’ve done the work of learning their own insides—and they don’t make you suffer for what they haven’t named.

Masculinity as Emotional Precision

The future of masculinity, if it has one, may look less like public confession and more like emotional precision. Not “just say how you feel,” but learn how to feel it clearly first.

Because clarity isn’t weakness. It’s a form of bestowed attention.

Or as poet I’ve been reading lately, Ocean Vuong wrote:
“Don’t be afraid, the gunfire / is only the sound of people / trying to live a little longer.”

Maybe this work—emotional fluency in men—is how we help each other live a little longer, together.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Bonanno, G. A., & Burton, C. L. (2013). Regulatory flexibility: An individual differences perspective on coping and emotion regulation. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 8(6), 591–612. https://doi.org/10.1177/1745691613504116

Gross, J. J., & John, O. P. (2003). Individual differences in two emotion regulation processes: Implications for affect, relationships, and well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 85(2), 348–362. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.85.2.348

Kahn, J. H., Hessling, R. M., & Russell, D. W. (2011). Social support, health, and well-being among male veterans: Examining the role of emotional disclosure. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 12(1), 20–30. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0021014

Nowakowski, M. E., McFarlane, T., & Cassin, S. E. (2022). Gender differences in alexithymia: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Affective Disorders, 311, 116–125. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2022.06.050

Real, T. (2022). Us: Getting past you and me to build a more loving relationship. Rodale Books.

Schwartz, R. C., & Sweezy, M. (2019). Internal family systems therapy (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.