Trauma Mismatch in Relationships
Monday, July 7, 2025.
How Uneven Wounds Turn Loving Partners into Accidental Landmines
It starts innocently. A raised eyebrow, a tone that comes too sharp, a forgotten appointment. The partner with trauma flinches—not visibly, but somewhere deep and involuntary.
The other partner, perhaps raised in emotional safety, is confused: What just happened? I only said I’d be five minutes late.
This is trauma mismatch.
And it is not rare. It is becoming one of the most quietly destabilizing forces in modern couples therapy.
One partner’s nervous system lives in a battlefield. The other grew up in a library.
They fall in love. They move in. They try to split chores and build a life. But the nervous systems don’t match—and so intimacy becomes a series of misfired signals and accidental injuries.
Why Now?
In a post-COVID, post-#MeToo, post-global-collapse era, we are flooded with trauma disclosures and diagnoses. Many partners are only now realizing that their coping strategies—people-pleasing, emotional shutdowns, hypervigilance—are not personality quirks, but trauma legacies.
Meanwhile, their partners may be trauma-informed in theory but uninjured in body. Or, perhaps they carry trauma too—but of an entirely different species.
Therapists like Janina Fisher and Richard Schwartz have recently turned their attention to how trauma “rises in sequence” during relational stress.
One partner’s trigger awakens the other’s, which then boomerangs back, creating a recursive loop of defense, shame, and confusion (Fisher, 2021; Schwartz & Sweezy, 2019). Without awareness, these patterns feel like sabotage. With awareness, they become repairable.
The Three Major Types of Trauma Mismatch
Trauma + No Trauma
One partner’s body carries the echo of danger.
The other partner has never lived in a home where doors slammed in rage.
The trauma survivor expects rupture and loss. The untraumatized partner expects conflict to be safe, and doesn’t understand why their partner vanishes during arguments. What looks like overreacting to one feels like soul-deep abandonment to the other.
Different Species of Trauma
One partner survived chaos (neglect, addiction, violence). The other survived control (enmeshment, emotional incest, high-achievement systems).
In one, trauma says, No one will catch me. In the other, trauma says, I can’t breathe.
When conflict arises, one partner retreats; the other pursues. And both feel punished for their wounds.
Asynchronous Healing
Both partners have trauma histories—but one is actively engaged in healing (therapy, nervous system regulation), while the other remains flooded or avoidant.
The more healed partner often feels frustrated, confused, even superior. The less healed partner may feel ashamed, defensive, or misunderstood. They are out of sync—not just emotionally, but developmentally.
How Trauma “Rises in Sequence” in Trauma Mismatched Relationships
Janina Fisher describes a phenomenon in couples where one partner’s trauma reaction cues the other’s—regardless of content.
A sarcastic comment evokes shame in Partner A, which triggers hyper-defensiveness in Partner B, which then escalates to anger or retreat in A. These are not conscious decisions. They are limbic loops.
What looks like a communication issue is actually a sequence of somatic activations.
Schwartz, creator of Internal Family Systems (IFS), would say that different “parts” of each partner are taking over the conversation.
A hurt exiled child. A protective controller. A withdrawing firefighter. And unless those parts feel safe, no amount of insight will bring relief (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2019).
Common Mistakes in Bad Therapy for Trauma-Mismatched Relationships
Assuming Regulation Equals Righteousness.
The partner who stays calm often believes they are “winning” the argument. In fact, they may simply be less somatically activated. Calm is not always empathy.Shaming Survival Strategies.
Freezing, fawning, numbing—these are not manipulations. They are learned tools for survival. Shaming them re-traumatizes.Mislabeling Trauma as Personality.
The anxious partner isn’t “needy.” The avoidant one isn’t “cold.” These are nervous system adaptations. They may look like character flaws, but they’re protective blueprints written in childhood.
How to Repair in the Mismatch
Name the Sequence
Use “When this happens, I go here” language. E.g., “When you get quiet, I feel abandoned and then I lash out. I think that’s my old story showing up.”
Attend to the Body, Not the Content
A 2022 study in Couple and Family Psychology found that trauma-informed somatic practices (like breath sync, grounding, and safe touch) reduced argument escalation more than verbal de-escalation strategies alone (Lee et al., 2022).
Use the Language of Parts
IFS offers a simple, de-shaming approach. Instead of “You’re always angry,” try “Is that an angry part that’s trying to protect something?”
Build Rituals of Co-Regulation
Before trying to “solve” the issue, practice coming back to safety together instead.
Some couples hold hands while they argue. Others pause to breathe or use safe words—not for sex, but for stress. These rituals rebuild the trust trauma eroded.
How Therapists Can Work with Trauma Mismatch in Relationships
Normalize the Mismatch. Help couples understand this is common, especially in post-trauma culture.
Track Nervous System Cues. Who’s going dorsal? Who’s mobilizing? Who’s dissociating? Start there.
Avoid Pathologizing Either Side. Even the “regulated” partner may be avoiding. Even the “dysregulated” one may be more emotionally honest.
Include Psychoeducation. Many clients are relieved just to learn there’s a name for what they’re living through.
Free Resource: Mapping Your Trauma Sequences as a Couple
I’ve created a free printable guide to help couples track their nervous system “rising sequences” and name their mismatch patterns with clarity and compassion.
It includes:
Trauma sequence worksheets
Sample IFS-style scripts
Tips for co-regulation rituals
Prompts for couples journaling or therapy sessions. Click here to request your free worksheet
What Healing Looks Like
Not perfection. Not immunity. But recovery time.
In a healed mismatch, the flinch still happens. The shutdown still occurs. But both partners notice it sooner, name it more gently, and return to connection faster. That’s the win.
In the words of Ocean Vuong:
“The most beautiful part of your body is where it’s headed.”
In trauma mismatch, the most beautiful part of your relationship may not be where you started—but where you’re willing to go together.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Dana, D. (2018). The polyvagal theory in therapy: Engaging the rhythm of regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
Fisher, J. (2021). Transforming the living legacy of trauma: A workbook for survivors and therapists. PESI Publishing & Media.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Harmony Books.
Kolacz, J., & Porges, S. W. (2018). Chronic diffuse pain and functional gastrointestinal disorders after traumatic stress: Pathophysiology through a polyvagal perspective. Frontiers in Medicine, 5, 145. https://doi.org/10.3389/fmed.2018.00145
Maté, G. (2022). The myth of normal: Trauma, illness, and healing in a toxic culture. Avery.
Ogden, P., & Fisher, J. (2015). Sensorimotor psychotherapy: Interventions for trauma and attachment. W. W. Norton & Company.
Park, G., & Thayer, J. F. (2014). From the heart to the mind: Cardiac vagal tone modulates top-down and bottom-up visual perception and attention to emotional stimuli. Frontiers in Psychology, 5, Article 278. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2014.00278
Schwartz, R. C., & Sweezy, M. (2019). Internal family systems therapy (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Simons, M., Koster, E. H. W., & Raes, F. (2023). Attachment-related anxiety and avoidance in romantic relationships: A meta-analysis of emotional reactivity during conflict. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 40(4), 905–926. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075221146717
Sullivan, K. T., Meeks, B. S., & Creech, S. K. (2020). Trauma, stress, and marital functioning: A review of the empirical literature and implications for theory and practice. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 46(2), 299–314. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12387