Purity Culture and Bad Sex: New Research Reveals Why “Saving Yourself” Might Just Spoil Everything

Friday, November 8, 2024.

If you spent your teen years pledging purity and dreaming of your future spouse, only to later discover that your romantic life feels more “oh no” than “oh wow,” you’re not alone.

New research published in Sociology of Religion has uncovered a less-than-holy revelation: for many white Christian women who embraced purity culture, the “gift” they were saving for marriage came wrapped in sexual pain, shame, and dissatisfaction.

And spoiler: a lot of that pain has nothing to do with sin and everything to do with cultural baggage.

Purity Culture: More “Chewed Gum” Than “True Love”

Purity culture isn’t just about sex (or the lack thereof). It’s an ideology that grew in American evangelical circles in the ‘90s and 2000s, promoting the idea that women should save themselves for marriage.

This was enforced with various analogies that likened women’s sexual worth to things like unwrapped gifts or chewed-up gum (because who doesn’t want to feel like someone’s discarded mint?).

For women, purity was supposedly the ultimate virtue — a way to become the “perfect wife” in the eyes of God and her future husband.

But what happens when that gift finally gets unwrapped on the wedding night?

As this new study shows, many women discover that the promised land of marital bliss and boundless intimacy is more like an awkward layover in discomfort town. And purity culture, rather than setting them up for romance, often primed them for a lifetime of sexual pain and relational strain.

When Abstinence Rings Lead to Painful Things

The research team, including Sheila Wray Gregoire and Joanna Sawatsky, surveyed 5,489 white Christian women who grew up steeped in purity culture.

Their findings are a big yikes: Women who embraced these teachings reported higher rates of sexual pain disorders, like vaginismus (involuntary muscle tightening during sex) and vulvodynia (chronic pain), which aren’t exactly honeymoon vibes.

Worse, they found that purity culture’s long arm reached deep into the bedroom, linking these teachings to lower marital satisfaction and more frustration all around.

Purity culture wasn’t just teaching teens to wait; it was selling them a permanent ticket on the “pain and shame” express. If you learned that your body was a battleground for male temptation, is it any surprise that a trip to Flirtville could feel more like walking through a minefield?

The Not-So-Holy Beliefs: From “Men Are Animals” to “Sex Is Your Job”

What exactly were these purity culture ideals? The researchers drilled down into six key purity culture beliefs that spelled out trouble:

• Gatekeeping: Women are responsible for men’s uncontrollable urges, so dressing “modestly” and acting “properly” is the only way to save men from themselves.

• Perpetual Lust: Men are wired to lust, and it’s a woman’s duty to quench it — like throwing water on a fire, but… more uncomfortable.

• Soul Ties: Premarital sex creates unbreakable spiritual bonds with past partners, ruining any future relationship.

• Obligation Sex: Wives, it’s your duty to be “available” to keep your husband happy and faithful, no matter how you feel about it.

• Sexual Methadone: Women should provide regular “fixes” to keep their husbands from straying. (Because that’s romantic, right?)

The women in the study rated how much they agreed with these beliefs, both in their teens and in adulthood.

Those who clung to purity culture ideals suffered more marital dissatisfaction and sexual pain.

However, even those who had “deconstructed” these ideas — meaning they consciously rejected them later on — didn’t come out unscathed. It turns out it’s pretty hard to completely shake off years of conditioning that your body is either sinful or sacrificial.

When Purity Culture Fails: Deconstruction Doesn’t Always Equal Healing

In recent years, a wave of “deconstruction” has swept through evangelical circles as people re-evaluate long-held beliefs about gender, marriage, and sexuality. But according to the researchers, ditching purity culture’s rules doesn’t guarantee freedom from its impacts.

For example, women who let go of the “sex as obligation” trope still reported lower marital satisfaction, possibly because they now faced a clash between new expectations and the habits instilled in them by their upbringing.

As Sawatsky puts it, “If you’re happily married, you might not question beliefs about fidelity and divorce. But if you’re in a relationship where your husband’s behavior is troubling, the idea that ‘all men are lustful’ might not seem so far-fetched.”

Consent? What’s That? Purity Culture Says Just Say “Yes”

The researchers argue that purity culture’s most damaging message is about consent. Young women were taught that once they were married, their bodies belonged to their husbands — and the idea of saying “no” was almost sacrilegious. If “purity” was a woman’s virtue pre-marriage, then “compliance” became her duty post-marriage.

Sawatsky spells it out: “If she can’t say ‘no,’ she can’t truly say ‘yes.’” Purity culture framed sex as a duty for women and a right for men, a dynamic that, unsurprisingly, can lead to pain, resentment, and an overall bleak marital landscape.

Can We Please Stop This Madness?

The researchers propose a three-point plan to help religious communities ditch these toxic teachings:

• Update the Messaging: Let’s lose the “men take, women give” model. It’s 2024, and women deserve more than a pat on the back for being “selfless.” Sex should be about mutual enjoyment, not appeasement.

• Promote Consent-Focused Treatment for Sexual Pain: Collaboration with pelvic floor therapists can bring real relief to women dealing with sexual pain. The goal? Make sure women know they can — and should — seek help if intimacy hurts.

• Higher Science-based Standards in Religious Literature: Look, purity culture sold itself as a roadmap to happiness, but the bestsellers pushing these ideas didn’t come with any actual research. Instead of recycling outdated ideas, it’s time to bring science into the conversation about sex, relationships, and fulfillment.

What About Non-White Women? A Notable Research Gap

While the study focuses on white women who were most targeted by purity culture, Sawatsky notes that racialized views of “purity” likely add unique pressures for women of color in evangelical circles.

The researchers hope future studies will explore how purity culture intersects with race, as different cultural backgrounds bring their own challenges and expectations.

In the End, This Isn’t Just About Sex – It’s About Autonomy and Respect

Purity culture promised to elevate women by placing them on a pedestal of “virtue.” But for many, it’s clear that pedestal feels more like a prison.

When a culture forces women to see their sexuality as a service, a problem, or something sinful, it’s not just harmful; it’s dehumanizing.

Sawatsky sums it up: “We hope this research sparks a broader discussion about consent and autonomy. Purity culture didn’t just tell young people to wait for marriage; it told married women they couldn’t say no, and that’s a violation of the human experience.”

So, if you’re looking at that purity ring and wondering if it was worth it, you’re not alone. Maybe it’s time we rewrite what it means to be “pure” — not as a set of restrictions, but as a journey toward truly consensual, mutually respectful, and yes, joyful relationships.

And One Last Thought: Is Purity Culture Really All That “Pure”?

For the women who’ve lived it, purity culture is anything but pure. It's a mix of fear, shame, and rigid rules that can haunt even the happiest of marriages.

Maybe the truly radical thing isn’t saving yourself — it’s saving yourself from the harm of purity culture itself.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Bartkowski, J. P. (2001). Remaking the godly marriage: Gender negotiation in evangelical families. Rutgers University Press.

Duarte, E. C., & Summers-Effler, E. (2017). Developing deconversion: A symbolic interactionist study of deconversion narratives. Sociology of Religion, 78(4), 421–442. https://doi.org/10.1093/socrel/srx049

Gardner, C. B. (2011). Making chastity sexy: The rhetoric of evangelical abstinence campaigns. University of California Press.

Gregoire, S. W., & Sawatsky, J. (2021). The great sex rescue: The lies you've been taught and how to recover what God intended. Baker Books.

Griffith, R. M. (2000). God's daughters: Evangelical women and the power of submission. University of California Press.

Lavis, V. M. (2011). Exploring the role of shame in the development of psychopathology: Implications for clinical practice. Clinical Psychology Review, 31(6), 658–668. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2011.03.002

Murray, S., & Harrison, J. L. (2020). Purity and perfection: Exploring sexual socialization and shame in purity culture. Sexuality & Culture, 24(5), 1658–1676. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12119-020-09729-4

Reissing, E. D., Binik, Y. M., Khalifé, S., Cohen, D., & Amsel, R. (2003). Etiological correlates of vaginismus: Sexual and physical abuse, sexual knowledge, sexual self-schema, and relationship adjustment. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 29(1), 47–59. https://doi.org/10.1080/713847099