How to Tell If You're in a Healthy Relationship (especially if you've never been in one before)
Sunday, December 1, 2024.
Let’s face it: relationships can feel like navigating a minefield when all you’ve ever known are the emotional equivalent of wildfires and hurricanes.
Maybe your parents’ marriage was a live-action soap opera, or perhaps your own love life has been a parade of drama queens, the commitment-phobic, and emotionally unavailable partners.
If this sounds familiar, you might not even know what a healthy relationship looks like, let alone feels like.
But do not despair!
You’re not doomed to a lifetime of bad choices or settling for less than you deserve.
With some insight, a sprinkle of self-reflection, and a pinch of optimism, you can learn to identify—and perhaps even cultivate—a relationship that’s healthy, fulfilling, and maybe even fun.
What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like?
Healthy relationships aren’t just about grand romantic gestures or perfectly filtered Instagram moments.
They’re built on solid foundations like trust, respect, and mutual effort. Imagine a relationship where you don’t have to guess if they’re into you, play detective with their texts, or wonder if they’ll “accidentally” forget your birthday again.
Here’s what healthy relationships typically include:
Trust and Honesty: The Real MVPs
Trust and honesty is the cornerstone of any thriving relationship. You should feel confident your partner has your back and isn’t secretly auditioning for The Bachelor on weekends. They’re honest, consistent, and their actions match their words. If you feel like you need to hire a private investigator to track their whereabouts, it’s time to reevaluate.
Trust is a two-way street. Make sure you’re also showing up as trustworthy and honest. Nobody likes a hypocrite.
Communication: Less Drama, More Dialogue
Healthy couples don’t scream into the void when they’re upset. They talk things out—even the hard stuff—without name-calling, intimidation, or passive-aggressive emoji texts. Conflict isn’t avoided; it’s resolved with mutual respect and a shared goal of understanding each other better.
It’s okay to argue! What matters is how you argue. If you find yourselves debating whether pineapple belongs on pizza instead of rehashing old grudges, you’re doing great.
Shared Core Values (Not Just Shared Netflix Passwords)
Similar values matter more than shared hobbies or mutual love for sushi. It’s about aligning on the big stuff: how you see the world, your goals, and what you expect from life and love. Are you both on the same page about monogamy, kids, or whether pineapple pizza is a crime against humanity? If not, friction is inevitable.
Shared values don’t mean identical personalities. It’s okay if one of you loves hiking while the other would rather marathon Netflix—balance is key.
Emotional Intimacy: Sharing Your Inner Weirdness
Healthy relationships are safe spaces for vulnerability. You can share your dreams, fears, and embarrassing stories without worrying about judgment. Both partners are invested in understanding each other’s inner worlds.
If your partner looks at you with love and not horror after hearing your “weirdest childhood habit” story, you’re onto something good.
Empathy: Seeing Things Through Each Other’s Eyes
Empathy is about genuinely caring how the other person feels—even when you don’t agree. It’s about being kind-hearted and taking responsibility for your actions. A healthy partner wants what’s best for you, and you for them.
Saying “I’m sorry” and actually meaning it can work wonders. Bonus points if you figure out how to make amends without a defensive speech.
Physical and Emotional Intimacy in Harmony
Romantic relationships come with both emotional and physical closeness. Neither should feel forced, rushed, or one-sided. Healthy couples prioritize emotional intimacy first—because it’s hard to feel connected when the only thing holding you together is physical attraction.
Take your time. Healthy relationships grow at a pace that feels good for both people involved.
How to Break the Cycle of Unhealthy Relationships
If you’ve spent your life stumbling into relationships with emotional trainwrecks, there’s hope. You can rewrite your story, starting now.
Tune Into Your Intuition
Your gut knows things. If something feels off, don’t ignore it. Trust the little voice inside you that says, “This isn’t right,” even if it’s drowned out by fear of being alone. Listen to your instincts—they’re smarter than you think.
Don’t Let Emotions Drive the Bus
Sure, love can be intense, but don’t let fear or panic steer your decisions. Learn self-soothing techniques to avoid spiraling into bad habits like testing your partner’s love or picking fights out of insecurity.
Reflect on Your Own Patterns
It’s not easy to look in the mirror and admit that you’ve been your own worst enemy in relationships. Are you passive, overly dramatic, or quick to anger? Identifying and working on these tendencies can change your relationship future.
Refuse to Tolerate Emotional Invalidation
You deserve to be heard and respected. If someone dismisses your feelings or makes you doubt your worth, it’s a red flag. Practice self-compassion and set boundaries to protect your emotional well-being.
Ditch Self-Defeating Thoughts
Believing “all relationships are doomed” or “I’m too broken to find love” is a fast track to self-sabotage. Challenge this toxic self-talk and replace it with curiosity. What if something better is possible? What if you’re more lovable than you think?
Hold Your Partner to a Higher Standard
High standards might be a foreign notion for you. Your partner should enhance your life, not complicate it with addiction, dishonesty, or manipulation. Don’t settle for anyone who makes you feel unsafe—emotionally or physically. Healthy love is about lifting each other up, not tearing each other down.
The Takeaway
Healthy relationships aren’t mythical unicorns—they’re real, achievable, and worth striving for.
If you’ve never had one before, the journey to find (or build) one can feel daunting.
If you exert some effort toward self-awareness, and self-compassion, you just might break old patterns and experience a new sort of love that feels safe, reciprocal, and genuinely joyful.
It’s never too late to rewrite your relationship story. Start today, and don’t settle for anything less than a love that brings out the best in you. You’ve got this!
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.