How to Get Over a Breakup
Tuesday, July 30, 2024.
Breaking up is hard to do.
Whether you’re the dumper or the dumpee, the end of a relationship can leave you feeling like you’ve been hit by a truck, followed by a parade of elephants, and maybe a rogue rhinoceros for good measure.
But fear not, gentle reader.
I'm here to help you navigate the tumultuous seas of heartache with compassion and some solid advice from thought leaders.
1. Allow Yourself to Grieve
"Grief is the price we pay for love," said Queen Elizabeth II, and she was right. Ending a relationship is a form of loss, and it's natural to grieve. Allow yourself to feel the sadness, anger, confusion, and even relief. Denying your feelings only prolongs the pain.
According to Dr. Colin Murray Parkes, a leading expert on bereavement, understanding and processing grief is essential for emotional healing.
2. Cut Off Contact (At Least for Now)
You can't move forward if you're constantly looking back.
Cut off contact with your ex, at least temporarily.
This includes unfollowing them on social media, deleting their number, and resisting the urge to text them "just to check in." Psychologist Dr. Guy Winch, author of "How to Fix a Broken Heart," suggests that maintaining contact with an ex can reopen wounds and make it harder to heal.
3. Lean on Your Support System
Friends and family can be a lifeline during a breakup.
Don't be afraid to lean on them for support. They can provide a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and a distraction from your pain.
As relationship expert Esther Perel says, "The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives." Surround yourself with people who uplift and support you.
4. Focus on Self-Care
Breakups can take a toll on your mental and physical health. Frankly, you might become vice-prone.
Make self-care a priority. This means eating nutritious meals, getting regular exercise, and ensuring you get enough sleep.
Engaging in activities that bring you joy, such as hobbies or spending time in nature, can also boost your mood.
Psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion, emphasizes the importance of being kind to yourself during difficult times.
5. Reflect on the Relationship
Take some time to reflect on the relationship and what you learned from it.
What were the strengths and weaknesses? What patterns can you identify?
Understanding these aspects can help you grow and make better choices in future relationships.
As Dr. John Gottman, renowned for his work on marital stability and relationship analysis, notes, self-reflection can lead to personal growth and better relationship outcomes.
6. Avoid Rebound Relationships
Jumping into a new relationship too soon can be tempting, but it often leads to more heartache. Give yourself time to heal before starting something new.
Relationship expert Dr. Terri Orbuch, author of "Finding Love Again," advises taking at least six months to focus on yourself before dating again.
7. Seek Professional Help if Needed
If you're struggling to move on, consider seeking help from a therapist, like me.
A good therapist can provide you with strategies to cope with your emotions and guide you through the healing process. Therapy can be especially beneficial if the relationship was abusive or highly dysfunctional. The American Psychological Association (APA) highlights the importance of professional support in overcoming significant emotional distress.
8. Rediscover Yourself
A breakup can be an opportunity to rediscover who you are outside of the relationship. Reconnect with old hobbies, set new goals, and explore new interests. This period of self-discovery can be empowering and pave the way for a healthier, happier future. As life coach Tony Robbins says, "Every problem is a gift—without problems, we would not grow."
9. Embrace the Future
Finally, embrace the future with an open heart and mind. Understand that breakups, while painful, are a part of life's journey. Each ending brings a new beginning.
Remember the wise words of Helen Keller: "When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."
10. Develop the Enthusiasm of Belief
Research suggests that cultivating a positive outlook and developing the enthusiasm of belief can significantly accelerate your recovery from a breakup.
Belief in yourself, your future, and the possibility of new love can transform your mindset and hasten the healing process.
As psychologist Dr. Barbara Fredrickson's research on positive emotions and resilience highlights, maintaining an optimistic outlook can broaden your perspective and build lasting personal resources (Fredrickson, 2001).
Reflect on these steps. Consider allowing yourself the time and space to heal. You just might emerge from a breakup stronger and more resilient.
And remember, laughter is one of the best medicines. So, when you're ready, don't hesitate to find the humor in your situation. After all, life is too short to take too seriously.
...the wise man knows that every experience is to be viewed as a blessing. Henry Miller
Be Well, Stay KInd, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Fredrickson, B. L. (2001). The role of positive emotions in positive psychology: The broaden-and-build theory of positive emotions. American Psychologist, 56(3), 218–226. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.56.3.218
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.
Orbuch, T. L. (2012). Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship. Sourcebooks.
Parkes, C. M. (1998). Bereavement: Studies of Grief in Adult Life (3rd ed.). Routledge.
Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. Harper.
Robbins, T. (1991). Awaken the Giant Within. Free Press.
Winch, G. (2018). How to Fix a Broken Heart. Simon & Schuster.
