How Talking About Sex Improves Relationships: Why Likes Build Intimacy and Dislikes Need Finesse

Sep 18

Thursday, September 18, 2025. I’ll also be discussing this remedial data next week when I present to the LinYu Institute my findings on the state of Infidelity research in 2025.

Everyone says it: communicate about sex.

In America, It’s the relationship advice equivalent of “drink more water.”

But new research from China in The Journal of Sex Research makes the obvious a little less obvious: what you say matters as much as the fact that you’re talking at all.

Tell your partner what you like in bed?

Your odds of intimacy and satisfaction go up.

Tell them what you don’t like?

That’s might be a minefield. Unless you do it with tact and responsiveness, you risk making your partner feel like they just flunked Sex Ed 101 (Li & Santtila, 2025).

Does Talking About Sex Improve Intimacy?

Yes—when you focus on what you enjoy. The Chinese study found that sharing sexual likes was consistently linked to higher intimacy, stronger satisfaction, and, for women, better sexual function.

Decades of American and Canadian research back this up: when couples communicate preferences, they update their “sexual script” and end up more satisfied (Byers & Demmons, 1999; MacNeil & Byers, 2009).

The Interpersonal Exchange Model of Sexual Satisfaction (Lawrance & Byers, 1995) explains it simply: more rewards, fewer frustrations, stronger relationships.

Why Sharing Sexual Likes Strengthens Relationships

Telling your partner what turns you on is essentially a gift-wrapped instruction manual.

It’s actionable, it builds trust, and it increases the odds that your needs will actually be met. In relational terms, it’s an investment strategy with guaranteed returns.

Why Sharing Sexual Dislikes Can Backfire

Here’s the risky part: when participants disclosed dislikes, intimacy and satisfaction often dipped.

For men, dislikes combined with low partner responsiveness even predicted worse erectile function.

U.S. studies confirm this pattern. Sexual talk helps only if partners respond with warmth. A overly blunt “don’t do that” can easily be misread as rejection (Merwin et al., 2019; Fisher et al., 2005). In other words, dislikes without responsiveness can be a relational booby trap.

Cultural Differences in Sexual Communication: China vs. the U.S.

In China, voicing sexual dislikes carries extra weight because social norms emphasize harmony and indirectness. A “no” can sound like a rejection of the person, not just the act.We Americans, by contrast, often pride ourselves on blunt honesty.

If we don’t like something, we just spit it out.

But here’s my opinionated take: Americans may tend to overvalue honesty and undervalue a more polite responsiveness.

Saying, “Well, at least I told you” doesn’t erase the sting of criticism. The research suggests the cultural flavors differ, but the core recipe is the same: without warmth, even honest disclosures can push partners apart.

How to Talk About Sex Without Hurting Your Partner

Start with a like. Lead with positives before suggesting changes.
Pair “less of that” with “more of this.” Don’t leave your partner guessing. Discuss your preferences in detail.
Name your intent. Say something like “Look, honey, I’m sharing this to bring us in an effort to bring us closer.” It disarms defensiveness, which is your essential task out of the gate..
Talk outside the bedroom. Everyday self-disclosure strengthens intimacy that carries into sex (Laurenceau et al., 1998).

Final Takeaway: What Sexual Self-Disclosure Means for Your Relationship

Likes can be an easy interpersonal currency; but expressing sexual dislikes often require finesse and emotional labor. It’s often just a clumsy and problematic way to approach the topic in the first place.

American couples may be quicker to speak up, Chinese couples may tend to be more cautious—but the findings from this research are compelling: responsiveness and care matter probably more than bluntness.

So yes, let’s talk about sex. Be prudent.

Talk with care about your preferences, not like you’re texting a Yelp review of your partner’s performance.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Byers, E. S., & Demmons, S. (1999). Sexual satisfaction and sexual self-disclosure within dating relationships. Journal of Sex Research, 36(2), 180–189. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499909551983

Fisher, W. A., Meryn, S., Sand, M., & Brandenburg, U. (2005). Communication about erectile dysfunction among men with ED and their partners. International Journal of Impotence Research, 17(2), 139–146. https://doi.org/10.1038/sj.ijir.3901285

Lawrance, K.-A., & Byers, E. S. (1995). Sexual satisfaction in long-term heterosexual relationships: The Interpersonal Exchange Model of Sexual Satisfaction. Personal Relationships, 2(4), 267–285. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.1995.tb00092.x

Laurenceau, J. P., Barrett, L. F., & Pietromonaco, P. R. (1998). Intimacy as an interpersonal process: The importance of self-disclosure, partner disclosure, and perceived partner responsiveness. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74(5), 1238–1251. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.74.5.1238

Li, Z., & Santtila, P. (2025). Getting what you want: How disclosing sexual likes and dislikes is associated with sexual and relational outcomes and the role of perceived partner responsiveness. The Journal of Sex Research, 1–14. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2025.2534974

MacNeil, S., & Byers, E. S. (2009). Role of sexual self-disclosure in the sexual satisfaction of long-term heterosexual couples. The Journal of Sex Research, 46(1), 3–14. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224490802398399

Merwin, K. E., Byers, E. S., O’Sullivan, L. F., & Rosen, N. O. (2019). Perceived partner responsiveness moderates the associations between sexual talk and sexual and relationship well-being in long-term couples. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(12), 3935–3955. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519834337

Daniel Dashnaw