Harriet Lerner Still Has the Best Advice You’re Not Taking

Friday, August 8, 2025.

Why her books from decades ago still hit harder than most “therapy TikToks” in 2025

If you were anywhere near a bookstore in the late 80s or 90s, you probably saw The Dance of Anger staring back at you from a shelf — red cover, unapologetic title, and the promise that maybe your frustration wasn’t the problem, but the clue.

Harriet Lerner didn’t just write about anger. She reframed it.

And she made sure women — and the therapists who treated them — stopped treating anger like a dangerous leak in the plumbing.

Today, in an era when a 30-second Instagram Reel can pass for “emotional education,” Lerner’s ideas feel more urgent than ever.

Why Lerner Still Matters in 2025

At its core, Lerner’s work sits on the shoulders of Family Systems Theory — the idea that no one’s behavior exists in a vacuum (Bowen, 1978).

She didn’t write for the ivory tower. She wrote for the living room — and for the kitchen table argument that’s gone stale.

One of Harriet’s big ideas is that she treats anger as data.

Not something to “manage” until it disappears, but a readout of your boundaries being crossed or your needs being ignored (Lerner, 1985; Averill, 1982).

And in The Dance of Connection, she gave the next step: once you’ve found your voice, how do you speak in a way that someone can actually hear you? It’s eerily aligned with John Gottman’s later research on “soft start-ups” (Gottman & Silver, 1999) — the single most reliable predictor that a tough conversation will end well.

The 80s, 90s, and 00’s: The Self-Help Boom That Stuck

Lerner was one voice in a loud chorus back then:

• Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch (1997) — bold, sexual honesty in marital therapy.

• Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray (1992) — a marketing juggernaut, which is impressive considering it’s not exactly startlingly original, or even favorably peer-reviewed.

• You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation – Deborah Tannen (1990 —her research and writing spanned the late ’80s)

• His Needs, Her Needs – Willard F. Harley Jr. (1986, but became a ’90s bestseller through reissues)

• The Relationship Cure – John Gottman & Joan DeClaire (2001)

• Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage – John Gottman & Julie Schwartz Gottman (2005)

• Love and Respect – Emerson Eggerichs (2004)

• Falling in Love: Why We Choose the Lovers We Choose – Ayala Malach Pines (2005)

• Hold Me Tight – Sue Johnson (2008 — Research and early Emotionally Focused Therapy manuals emerged in early 2000s)

Some of these have aged like wine. Others, more like milk.

Lerner’s books? They’re still on the syllabus in grad programs and still relevant in couples therapy rooms.

Lerner vs. Therapy TikTok

Therapy TikTok, Instagram therapy memes, and Reddit relationship threads have become the informal “family therapists” for millions of people. Some of it’s surprisingly useful. Some of it’s… well… like eating candy for dinner.

• TikTok: “Here’s one boundary phrase that will change your life.”

• Lerner: “Boundaries are lifelong work — and they’ll get tested the minute you set them.”

• Instagram reels: “Cut off toxic people immediately.”

• Lerner: “Sometimes change means staying in the room longer, not leaving sooner.”

• Reddit AMAs: “If they don’t text back in 30 minutes, they don’t care.”

• Lerner: “If they don’t text back in 30 minutes, maybe they’re living a life.”

Where TikTok excels in punchy motivation, Lerner delivers the durable frameworks that last after the algorithm moves on.

What This Looks Like in Today’s Therapy Room

When I bring Lerner’s work into a modern couples session, it sounds like this:

• “Let’s treat your anger as a compass, not a weapon.” Instead of telling clients to “calm down,” we ask, “What’s this pointing toward?”

• “Connection is a skill, not a feeling.” Sometimes real intimacy requires making trouble for the status quo.

• “Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re doorways with rules.” They shape how the relationship works, not just how you protect yourself.

Yes, today’s therapy world has fMRI scans, polyvagal theory, and entire attachment inventories you can fill out on your phone.

But the human truth Lerner saw — that desire and respect grow best when self-definition and connection exist side by side — hasn’t been improved upon much.

The 2025 Reality Check

If you want to know why your relationship arguments feel like reruns, Harriet Lerner is still the better teacher than any trending audio clip.

In a cultural moment obsessed with quick fixes and pop-psych listicles, her work offers something stubbornly un-Instagrammable: the slow work of telling the truth, keeping your dignity, and deciding whether the relationship grows with you or without you.

Final thoughts

If you’ve read this far, you probably recognize yourself somewhere in Lerner’s dance steps — maybe in the way you hold back when you want to speak up, or the way your anger leaks out sideways because it doesn’t feel safe to say it straight.

This is the work I do with couples and individuals every day: finding that balance between speaking your truth and staying connected. It’s not about winning the fight; it’s about changing the dance.

If you’d like to bring this work into your own life — whether it’s untangling old patterns, repairing intimacy, or learning how to hold your ground without burning bridges — you can reach out here to start a conversation with me.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Averill, J. R. (1982). Anger and aggression: An essay on emotion. Springer-Verlag. https://doi.org/10.1007/BF00991558

Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. Jason Aronson. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1980-06741-000

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown. https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/71014/the-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work-by-john-gottman-phd-and-nan-silver/

Lerner, H. (1985). The dance of anger: A woman's guide to changing the patterns of intimate relationships. Harper & Row. https://www.harpercollins.com/products/the-dance-of-anger-harriet-lerner?variant=32118120321058

Lerner, H. (1989). The dance of intimacy: A woman's guide to courageous acts of change in key relationships. Harper & Row. https://www.harpercollins.com/products/the-dance-of-intimacy-harriet-lerner