Why Christians May Be Kinder to Themselves (But Also a Wee Bit More Self-Important)

Thursday, August 7, 2025.

Can faith make you kinder to yourself? A new study says yes. But there’s a twist.

According to research published in Pastoral Psychology, Christians reported higher levels of self-compassion than atheists—but also slightly higher levels of narcissism, specifically the kind that craves recognition and admiration.

In plain terms? Religious folks may be more likely to treat themselves with understanding and care, but they’re also a little more likely to think they’re morally or spiritually impressive. Yikes.

If that sounds like a contradiction, welcome to the human condition.

Self-Compassion: A Skill We All Need

First, a quick reminder: self-compassion isn’t about giving yourself a free pass or pretending everything’s fine. It’s the ability to be kind to yourself in moments of struggle, failure, or pain—just like you’d be kind to a friend.

Psychologist Dr. Michael Magee, who led the study, describes self-compassion this way: “Most people are more compassionate to others than they are to themselves. Self-compassion is simply bringing ourselves into the circle of kindness we already offer our loved ones.”

That circle, it turns out, may be a little easier to access for people who are part of a religious community.

But why? Perhaps because faith traditions tend to emphasize forgiveness, grace, and the idea that every soul has worth—even when they fall short.

In this study, Christians scored higher than atheists on self-kindness, mindfulness, and a sense of shared humanity. They were also more likely to acknowledge their inner critic—and to show themselves care anyway.

But What About the Narcissism Part?

Now here’s where it gets more interesting.

The same Christians who showed more self-compassion also scored a bit higher on what psychologists call Grandiose Narcissism—traits like showiness, self-importance, and the need for admiration.

That doesn’t mean Christians are more entitled or manipulative. The difference showed up specifically in the area of grandiose exhibitionism—which is a fancy way of saying they’re more likely to want others to notice their good qualities.

This makes sense if you think about how some faith communities encourage people to “shine their light” or live as a moral example. That can be a beautiful thing—but it can also, unintentionally, lead to subtle feelings of moral superiority.

No One Escapes Shame (and That’s Okay)

One of the more surprising findings? Christians and atheists reported similar levels of shame—feelings of not being good enough, attractive enough, or worthy enough.

Despite the common belief that religion makes people feel overly guilty or that atheists lack moral direction, both groups shared the same levels of inner struggle in this area.

In fact, the study suggests that we’re all wrestling with shame, regardless of what we believe. And that’s why self-compassion is so powerful—it gives us a way to soften that inner voice that says we’re never enough.

What Does This Mean for You?

Whether you're religious, spiritual-but-not-religious, agnostic, or atheist, this research offers an important takeaway:

Self-compassion is a practice—not a personality trait. And it’s something we can all learn.

If you grew up in a faith community, you may already have internalized some helpful messages about grace, forgiveness, and second chances.

You may also carry messages about perfection, righteousness, or needing to appear “good.” Both can exist at the same time.

If you didn’t grow up religious, you might have missed out on some of those emotional resources—but you also may have avoided some of the performance pressure.

Either way, you’re human. You deserve your own care.

And if you’ve ever felt stuck between being kind to yourself and holding yourself to high standards—you’re not alone.

Self-Compassion Is for Everyone

Therapists see this tension all the time. Clients want to grow, heal, and take responsibility for their lives—but they often do it from a place of shame or self-criticism.

The truth is, you don’t have to choose between growth and gentleness.

You can hold yourself accountable and still be kind. You can have high standards and still treat yourself with dignity when you fall short.

That’s what self-compassion teaches us. And no matter what you believe—or don’t—learning to befriend yourself is one of the most powerful steps toward emotional well-being.

Want to Learn the Practice?

If you're curious about how to build more self-compassion into your daily life, A good marriage and family therapist can help with that. Whether or not your beliefs include a higher power, you probably already have what it takes to turn toward yourself with better than lukewarm results..

In other words, we can escape the paradox of boosting your ego or lowering your standards. It’s all in the service of developing the inner strength that comes from knowing you’re worthy of love—even while you’re still a work in progress.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Magee, M. W. (2025). Christians Have More Self‑Compassion Than Atheists—But Also More Grandiose (Not Fragile) Narcissism. Pastoral Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11089-025-01089-w