10 ‘Loving’ Parenting Practices That Research Says Damage Children

Sunday, July 27 2025.

We’ve all heard the phrase, “They meant well.” It's the headstone epitaph for a thousand emotional wounds, many of them quietly inflicted by loving, attentive parents who believed they were doing the right thing.

But in the age of overparenting, gentle coddling, and Instagrammable childhoods, it turns out you can harm your child quite a bit without ever yelling once.

Below are ten research-backed parenting practices that look loving, sound nurturing, and feel virtuous—but can sometimes quietly kneecap your child’s development.

These aren’t the sins of the neglectful or the cruel. These are the soft betrayals. The velvet hammers. The sweet-smelling sabotoogie.

Overpraising Effort Like a Life Coach on Caffeine

"You’re amazing! You tried so hard!"

Carol Dweck’s research on growth mindset is often misquoted by parents looking for a psychological pat on the back.

Yes, praising effort is better than praising intelligence, but praising effort alone—without reference to strategy, persistence, or actual learning—creates kids who chase approval, not mastery.

A 1998 study by Mueller and Dweck found that children praised for effort were more likely to persevere—unless they didn’t succeed.

Then they collapsed in a heap of self-doubt, because it turns out “trying hard” without results doesn’t feel so great when you’re 8 and your LEGO spaceship just imploded.

Better: Praise process, strategy, and grit—but also celebrate outcomes. Reality matters. No one ever got a Nobel Prize for effort.

Protecting Them From Disappointment Like a Heli-Mom in Combat Mode

"It’s okay, sweetie. Mommy emailed the coach—you’re back on the team."

Welcome to learned helplessness, now in toddler sizes. Research on overprotective parenting (LeMoyne & Buchanan, 2011) links it to increased anxiety, poor coping skills, and a vague sense that the world owes you a gold medal for existing.

In trying to prevent distress, many parents accidentally remove the normal friction of growth.

The result? Kids who can recite all the feelings in the Pixar movie Inside Out but can’t handle losing at Uno.

Better: Let them flail—just not fatally. Model recovery, not erasure.

Making Them a Junior Co-Therapist

"We’re thinking of moving, but we want your input, sweetheart."

That’s not inclusivity. That’s emotional outsourcing.

Children are not emotional consultants. Research on parentification (Hooper et al., 2008) shows that treating children like peers—especially during adult stress—leads to anxiety, identity confusion, and long-term relational instability.

Giving your kid a say in everything sounds democratic. It’s actually exhausting. And by the way, few 10-year-old want to weigh in on 15 year vs 30 year mortgage options.

Better: Inform them with love, include them with limits, and carry the weight yourself.

Giving Them a Screen Instead of a Nervous System

"Here, play this while I get my sanity back."

Yes, we all need a break. But when screens become primary co-regulators, we’re training kids to turn to pixels for comfort rather than people—or worse, rather than their own internal calming systems.

Radesky et al. (2016) warn that frequent use of mobile devices to calm children may impede the development of emotion regulation skills.

You may think you're handing them peace. You're actually installing a dopamine drip.

Better: Soothe them with presence, not Paw Patrol. Even ten seconds of genuine attunement beats three hours of YouTube Kids.

Letting Them Quit Because “It Doesn’t Spark Joy”

"You don’t like soccer anymore? That’s okay, baby."

Resilience is built through tolerable stress, not immediate escape routes. Angela Duckworth’s work on grit shows that the ability to persist, even when bored or frustrated, predicts success across life domains—including relationships and employment (Duckworth et al., 2007).

If quitting is always an option, so is regret. You’re not raising a consumer of experiences. You’re raising a human.

Better: Teach the difference between harmful and hard. Help them finish what they start—sometimes just for the moral muscle.

Branding Them With “Positive” Labels

"You’re our little genius / artist / empath."

Sounds lovely. Feels empowering. Until they inevitably fail to live up to the brand.

Fixed labels create a fragile identity. Research shows that children internalize these labels and either overperform to maintain them or underperform to reject them (Mueller & Dweck, 1998).

Being “the smart one” feels great until you bomb a math test and spiral into existential despair by snack time.

Better: Describe actions, not essence. “You really lit up when you solved that puzzle” is better than “You’re a future MIT grad.”

Telling Them They’re the Center of the Universe

"You are my everything."

This is not love. This is a fucking existential burden.

Children who are put on pedestals become either tyrants or terrified. Brummelman et al. (2015) found that overvaluation by parents predicted narcissistic traits in children.

Worse, when parents orbit around their children’s feelings and preferences, kids learn to confuse being adored with being safe.

Better: Show them they matter deeply—but they are not the gravitational center.

Solving Problems They Could Solve Themselves in 23 More Seconds

"Let me do it for you. We’re late."

Sure, it's faster. But it costs them executive function points.

Moriguchi (2014) found that children develop better problem-solving and regulation skills when allowed to struggle appropriately. Overhelping trains kids to look outward instead of inward when faced with challenge.

Also, they notice. “Mom doesn’t think I can do it” gets internalized faster than you can tie their shoes for the fifth time.

Better: Be the lighthouse, not the tugboat. Let them steer.

Avoiding Conflict Because You're Tired (or Traumatized)

"I’ll let it slide this time."

Parents who say “yes” to avoid a tantrum are not being loving—they’re surrendering.

Inconsistent boundaries create what Baumrind (1991) called permissive parenting, which is correlated with low emotional regulation, poor academic performance, and higher rates of substance abuse.

Kids don’t need constant confrontation. But they do need clarity. If “no” is sometimes “maybe,” expect fireworks.

Better: Say fewer things, but mean them all. Boundaries aren’t rejection—they’re reliability.

Linking Affection to Behavior

"I don’t even want to look at you right now."

This one cuts deepest. Assor et al. (2004) demonstrated that parental conditional regard—withholding love until a child behaves—predicts shame, anxiety, and compulsive approval-seeking.

The child doesn’t think, “I messed up.” They think, “I’m unlovable unless I perform.” Welcome to the emotional roots of perfectionism, addiction, and endless romantic over-functioning.

Better: Lead with connection, then correct behavior. “You’re safe with me, even when this isn’t okay.”

Closing Argument: Love Isn’t a Bubble Wrap Suit

To love well is to hold paradox: tenderness with truth, empathy with limits, presence with patience.

What I notice is that many of the worst outcomes in parenting stem not from malice, but from excessive management of emotional discomfort—the child’s or the parent’s.

Real love isn’t about making your child happy in every moment.

It’s about preparing them to suffer wisely, love deeply, and live with meaning.

Even if that means they’re mad at you for a week because you made them finish clarinet lessons.

Be well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Assor, A., Roth, G., & Deci, E. L. (2004). The Emotional Costs of Parents’ Conditional Regard: A Self-Determination Theory Analysis. Journal of Personality, 72(1), 47–88. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.0022-3506.2004.00256.x

Baumrind, D. (1991). The Influence of Parenting Style on Adolescent Competence and Substance Use. Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56–95.

Brummelman, E., Thomaes, S., Nelemans, S. A., Orobio de Castro, B., Overbeek, G., & Bushman, B. J. (2015). Origins of Narcissism in Children. PNAS, 112(12), 3659–3662. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1420870112

Duckworth, A. L., Peterson, C., Matthews, M. D., & Kelly, D. R. (2007). Grit: Perseverance and Passion for Long-Term Goals. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 92(6), 1087–1101.

Dweck, C. S. (2007). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Ballantine Books.

Hooper, L. M., Marotta, S. A., & Lanthier, R. P. (2008). Predictors of Growth and Distress Following Childhood Parentification. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 17, 693–705.

LeMoyne, T., & Buchanan, T. (2011). Does “Hovering” Matter? Helicopter Parenting and Its Effect on Well-Being. Sociological Spectrum, 31(4), 399–418.

Moriguchi, Y. (2014). The Early Development of Executive Function and Its Relation to Social Understanding. Frontiers in Psychology, 5, 388. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2014.00388

Mueller, C. M., & Dweck, C. S. (1998). Praise for Intelligence Can Undermine Children’s Motivation and Performance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75(1), 33–52.

Radesky, J. S., Schumacher, J., & Zuckerman, B. (2016). Mobile and Interactive Media Use by Young Children: The Good, the Bad, and the Unknown. Pediatrics, 135(1), 1–3. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2014-2251