The Algorithm Thinks Your Marriage Is Over
Monday, July 28., 2025. This is for Paul in Washington State.
If your relationship isn’t dripping in aesthetic intimacy and pre-verbal attunement, TikTok says it’s time to pack it up.
One disagreement over dinner? Red flag.
You didn’t validate her inner child with the correct dialect of attachment theory? Toxic.
You like a moment of silence in the car? Emotionally unavailable.
Social media has become the relationship oracle of our time.
And the oracle, bless her cobbled-together curated wisdom, has no patience for ambiguity.
She doesn’t think you need to learn how to listen better. She thinks you need to “leave and never look back.”
From Conflict to Cancellation in 15 Seconds or Less
A Reddit therapist put it perfectly:
“People are being told to leave over regular disagreements… to never compromise… expect partners to fulfill all needs all the time.”
If you’ve spent any time on the For You Page, you’ve seen this sermon. It sounds like self-respect. It’s actually moral absolutism dressed in a silk robe and ring light. Because real relationships? They’re a fuck of a lot messier than memes.
Instagram Ate My Relationship
Research backs this up—no, not influencer anecdotes, but peer-reviewed, footnoted truth. We need to pay more attention.
Studies show that exposure to idealized social media content consistently reduces relationship satisfaction, especially when people compare their messy lives to everyone else’s filtered victories (Taylor & Armes, 2024).
And it’s not just comparisons.
The very architecture of Instagram and TikTok encourages you to treat your relationship like a brand. If your partner isn’t performing love in high definition, is it even real?
This is not a rhetorical question. It’s becoming an emotional contagion.
Phubbing: The New Cold Shoulder
Let’s talk about phones for a second. Specifically, about the act of phubbing—ignoring your partner to check your device.
This charming habit is now scientifically proven to rot connection from the inside out. According to Baylor University’s research, phubbing increases jealousy, decreases satisfaction, and turns even secure partners into low-level surveillance drones (David & Roberts, 2021).
There’s something bleak about watching a couple at dinner, each staring into their own private algorithm while their pasta goes cold and their relationship slowly dies of exposure.
But it’s not tragic—it’s normal. That’s the part that should truly alarm you.
When Love Becomes a Search Engine
Remember when you could have a weird thought about your partner—like, “Why do they load the dishwasher like that?”—and just... move on?
Now, that thought sends you straight to Google:
“Is it a trauma response if my partner doesn't rinse plates?”
Five minutes later, you’re on Reddit diagnosing them with covert narcissism and contemplating a silent retreat in the Berkshires.
This isn’t intimacy. This is emotional crowdsourcing.
And it’s making everyone more certain and far less kind.
Love Addiction, Parasocial Worship, and Other Normal Behaviors Circa 2025
You’d think all this obsessive online behavior would make us better at relationships.
But studies suggest the complete opposite.
One Italian study found that compulsively tracking your partner’s Instagram presence—likes, followers, stories, absences—correlates with cognitive fatigue, jealousy, and romantic instability (Bianchi et al., 2025).
Meanwhile, millions of people are forming parasocial bonds with influencers—one-sided relationships with people who don’t know you exist but whose couples content convinces you they’re the new gold standard of intimacy.
It’s like building your entire self-worth around a mannequin in a storefront window. A hot mannequin, sure, but still.
The Therapist’s Eye View
In the actual therapy office—not the digital facsimile—you see something different. You see people trying. Failing, sure. But trying.
You see a couple who haven’t touched in weeks, reaching for each other awkwardly. You see someone cry because their partner didn’t leave, even after the worst fight.
And none of that is sexy. None of it is particularly shareable. But it’s where love lives.
Because real relationships are less about fireworks and more about fire drills. Can you both respond to stress without lighting the house on fire?
Can you circle back after a bad night and say, “That wasn’t my best self”? If so, congratulations. You’re doing better than TikTok thinks you are.
What Actually Helps (According to Science, Not the Algorithm)
Put Your Damn Phone Down. Research from McDaniel & Coyne (2016) shows that phone interference during emotional moments significantly reduces empathy and emotional safety. Silence is not just golden—it’s connective.
Talk About How You Talk. Meta-communication (talking about how you communicate) helps couples avoid escalating cycles of misunderstanding. I teach this to my clients, and it definitely is a game-changer.
Stop Diagnosing Your Partner. Unless you're a clinician—and even then, maybe don’t. Pathologizing your loved one’s quirks is rarely a shortcut to intimacy. All necessary diagnostic discussions, (and most are not), should involve a therapist, and a healthy dollop of humility sprinkled with kindness.
Unfollow Perfection. Literally. Research shows that upward comparison to idealized relationships leads to lower self-esteem and relational doubt (Fox & Moreland, 2015).
The Algorithm Has No Skin in the Game
The algorithm doesn’t care if you’re happy.
It cares if you stay. So far so good.
So it feeds you the most emotionally arousing, judgment-inducing, binary content it can.
And every time you click, you become a little more certain and a little less curious.
But love—actual, durable, awkward, hopeful love—requires curiosity. It thrives in doubt, in humility, in that weird gray space where nobody’s completely right, but everyone’s still trying.
So if you’re wondering whether your relationship is broken or just human, here’s a wild idea: ask your partner.
Not your “For You Page.” Not the girl in your feed who posts boundaries like Bible verses. Not the Reddit thread that starts with “Run.”
Ask the person next to you.
Then stick around long enough to hear the answer, and please shut up and listen. Maybe take notes.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
David, M. E., & Roberts, J. A. (2021). Partner phubbing's effect on jealousy and relationship satisfaction. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075211004725
Fox, J., & Moreland, J. J. (2015). The dark side of social networking sites: An exploration of the relational and psychological stressors associated with Facebook use and affordances. Computers in Human Behavior, 45, 168–176. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2014.11.083
McDaniel, B. T., & Coyne, S. M. (2016). “Technoference”: The interference of technology in couple relationships and implications for women’s personal and relational well-being. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 5(1), 85–98. https://doi.org/10.1037/ppm0000065
Taylor, J., & Armes, G. (2024). Social comparison on Instagram and its relationship with self-esteem and body-esteem. Discover Psychology, 4, 126. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s44202-024-00241-3
Vaterlaus, J. M., Patten, E. V., Roche, C., & Young, J. A. (2016). #Gettinghealthy: The perceived influence of social media on young adult health behaviors. Computers in Human Behavior, 55, 71–77. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2015.08.039