SERVICES
PREMARITAL COUNSELING
Love is blind, and lovers can not see the pretty
follies that they themselves commit.
William Shakespeare
Premarital counseling is a specific form of couples therapy designed to prepare couples for marriage. Effective premarital counseling identifies and addresses issues that predictably arise when “falling in love.”
Pre-marital counseling promotes healthy and successful marriages, supported by scientific research, science-based premarital counseling can reduce your odds of getting divorced by as much as 50%!
There are a few fundamental truths in premarital counseling. The first one is that what goes around comes around.
By that, I mean that the very traits that endear your partner to you today might be your biggest complaint about them tomorrow.
Another is family. Decide early you will never allow yourselves to be separated by family members. Your goal in pre-marital counseling is to agree on your core values and develop a strong sense of “we.” Decide solemnly that you are first, last and always… a team.
Sharing values helps, but having values and talking about them intimately helps even more. The social science on the benefits of a spiritual orientation is quite robust and stubborn.
The Kaizen of Your Relationship
Think about your intimate bond in a larger context. What do the two of you stand for? The Japanese have a word that means continuous improvement. That word is kaizen. Think about the kaizen of your relationship.
What could be better? What do you plan to improve together? If there is something either of you is experiencing that is uncomfortable, what could you do instead?
The conversations that you’ll have in pre-marital counseling will invite you both to explore all of this in great detail.
Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts
Your relationship is going through and will continue to go through predictable stages. The earliest stage, symbiosis emphasizes your similarities. Premarital counseling can help you prepare for a richer and deeper relationship. This will help you as you both discover some real differences between you.
Remember that it’s a useful lie to believe that you chose your partner because they are perfect for you to work out all of the bad JuJu from your parents. Someone once said that marriage was a place to grow yourself up. They were right.
Working with an assessment tool such as my FOO interviews, can help you uncover your partner’s goals and values are on a variety of issues. This will build confidence that you are a solid couple, and point out areas that might require deeper conversation and growth.
Crucial Guidance for Intimate Conversations
Religion, beliefs about drugs and alcohol, having children, finances, fidelity, habits, in-law issues, and a bunch of other important questions should all be unpacked and carefully discussed and unpacked.
Even if you do communicate well, there may be some predictable issues you’d like some help growing through. Premarital counseling will provide you with talking points and crucial guidance for these intimate conversations.
A careful assessment is crucial.
The Gottman Method is a science-based couples therapy, but it can also help you and your partner understand exactly how your family, culture, and values have impacted you. My clinical goal is to help you both reflect more deeply on the beliefs you have in common, and where areas of difference might create predictable challenges in the future.
Gottman premarital counseling will also help you debunk the 5 myths about pre-marital conflict, and help you both learn to manage conflict with skill.
Why online premarital relationship therapy?
Effective communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. Pre-marital counseling teaches couples how to communicate effectively by identifying communication styles, learning active listening skills, and understanding how to resolve conflicts.
Clarification of expectations: One of the leading causes of marital distress is unmet expectations. Premarital counseling will help you clarify your expectations of one other, your roles in the relationship, and your vision ( both shared and individual) for your future as a couple, and perhaps as a family.
Strengthening of commitment: Marriage is a significant commitment, and premarital counseling helps you strengthen your commitment to one other by deeply exploring your values, goals, and priorities.
Reduced likelihood of divorce: Research has shown that pre-marital counseling can reduce the likelihood of divorce by up to 50% (Stanley et al., 2006). Couples who undergo pre-marital counseling develop a deeper and more intimate understanding of one other and their relationship, which leads to a stronger and more enduring marriage as you both move through time.
If you’ve tried free or faith-based programs that attempt to teach you general tools for marital communication, I’m sure you received some value from your efforts.
But consider what science can offer you in a pre-marital assessment and intensive weekend with me in the lovely Berkshires of Western Massachusetts.
Can you slash your odds of divorcing by half?
Pre-marital counseling is an effective way to prepare couples for a successful marriage by addressing potential issues and providing tools and strategies to navigate them.
It is a proactive approach that can reduce the likelihood of divorce, improve communication, increase commitment, improve conflict resolution, and help couples adjust to marriage.
The evidence shows that pre-marital counseling is effective and can lead to better outcomes for couples who participate in it. As a science-based couples therapist, I highly recommend pre-marital counseling for any couple preparing for marriage.
Here are some research references supporting the effectiveness of pre-marital counseling:
Stanley, S. M., Amato, P. R., Johnson, C. A., & Markman, H. J. (2006). Premarital education, marital quality, and marital stability: Findings from a large, random household survey. Journal of Family Psychology, 20(1), 117–126. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.20.1.117
Hahlweg, K., Goldstein, N., Baucom, D. H., & Epstein, N. (2010). Improving communication and relationship satisfaction in couples through self-directed approaches: A randomized controlled trial. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 78(5), 680–691. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0021005
Baucom, D. H., Epstein, N., Benson, L. A., Scott, J. L., & La Taillade, J. J. (2012). Psychosocial interventions for couples. Annual Review of Psychology, 63, 97–123. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.121208.131416
Carroll, J. S., & Doherty, W. J. (2003). Evaluating the effectiveness of premarital prevention programs: A meta-analytic review of outcome research. Family Relations, 52(2), 105–118. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2003.00105.x
Halford, W. K., Markman, H. J., Kline, G. H., & Stanley, S. M. (2003). Best practice in couple relationship education. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 29(3), 385–406. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2003.tb01222.x
Is premarital counseling free?
You can find useful psycho-educational programs from many sources. Your church might offer some interesting resources. Free or nearly free online premarital advice can also be found on Instagram, Youtube etc.
Advice found on social media is usually free, or can be had for nominal cost. Online quizzes can be fun, but getting your palm read might be just as useful.
Caveat Emptor. “Common sense” and free, all-purpose relationship advice may not be helpful in your particular situation.
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Premarital couples therapy sessions are a safe and convenient way to identify your strengths and growth areas as a couple. As long as you have a laptop with a camera, you’re ready to grow!
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There are currently 10 states that either financially encourage or require premarital preparation.
A common requirement is that it must be completed six to twelve months before the date of the wedding . These 10 states have requirements which range from 4-12 hours of premarital counseling with a “qualified professional.”
Most formal secular and faith-based premarital counseling programs that explore common goals and differences also range from 4-12 hours.
Unfortunately few are offered long term and they seldom accept insurance.
My intensives are typically scheduled for Fridays 6-8 pm followed by Saturdays and Sundays 9:30 am-4:30 pm.
If you are unable to schedule a weekend for your intensive, consider a modified schedule. This option allows you to schedule (3) 2-hour assessment sessions and (3) 3-hour couples therapy blocks. These can be scheduled at your convenience but I prefer that we complete the online intensive within 3 months.
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Currently, 10 states have implemented some form of premarital education promotion policies, namely Florida (1998), Oklahoma (1999), Maryland (2001), Minnesota (2001), Tennessee (2002), Georgia (2004), South Carolina (2006), Texas (2007), West Virginia (2012), and Utah (2018).
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Florida – 4 hours
Georgia – 6 hours
Minnesota – 12 hours
Oklahoma - 4 hours
South Carolina -6 hours
Texas – 8 hours
Tennessee -4 hours
Utah -3 hours
West Virginia - 4 hours
The financial incentives work this way:
Conduct a series of sessions with a qualified premarital counselor and you’ll get a fee reduction on your marital license ranging from 30% to 100% off your license, depending upon the state. For example, in Georgia, take 6 hours of premarital counseling and get your marriage license for free!
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Oddly, it’s a cultural norm that couples typically pas for their own premarital counseling.
You may choose to pay for private premarital counseling from a therapist.
Better yet ask people who love you to put an envelope in your Hope Chest.
If you have no other option, there are always low-cost or free internet-based options that can be either religious or secular.
As for what premarital counseling from a qualified couples therapist might cost?
You can expect to pay anywhere between $50-$250 per hour. If money is an issue for you, I offer a sliding scale for my premarital couples.
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My online premarital counseling intensive is normally priced at $4500.
However, I’m offering a significant $1500 discount for couples who content to be filmed to help me prepare educational materials for less fortunate couples to access at no charge.
I ‘ll be working extensively with you both, separately and together.
Your Premarital Couples Therapy Intensive can be completed in-person as quickly as over a weekend in the beautiful Berkshires… or over the course of three months with the online option.
Our work will have a laser focus only on the areas we’ve identified during your assessment.
You’ll know what aspects of your relationship need to be tended to and we’ll get to work right away.
It’s science-based work with over 40 years of research behind it.
How healthy can your marriage become with science-based premarital counseling?
Reduced likelihood of divorce: As previously mentioned, premarital counseling can reduce the likelihood of divorce by up to 50% (Stanley et al., 2006). This study also found that couples who participated in premarital counseling reported higher levels of marital satisfaction.
Improved communication: A study by Hahlweg and colleagues (2010) found that couples who underwent pre-marital counseling reported significant improvements in their communication skills.
Increased commitment: A study by Baucom and colleagues (2012) found that couples who underwent pre-marital counseling reported higher levels of commitment to their relationship.
Improved conflict resolution: A meta-analysis of pre-marital counseling studies by Carroll and Doherty (2003) found that pre-marital counseling was effective in reducing negative communication, increasing positive communication, and improving conflict resolution skills.
Better adjustment to marriage: A study by Halford and colleagues (2012) found that couples who underwent pre-marital counseling reported better adjustment to marriage and were less likely to experience marital distress.
This is not a quick, general online survey. It’s personalized, tailored, and focused specifically on you, as individuals and as a loving pair.