SERVICES
DISCERNMENT COUNSELING
Discernment Counseling:
a Brief and Deep Protocol
for Considering Divorce
Discernment counseling is a therapeutic protocol specifically designed for those who are reluctant to further engage in couples therapy, and are struggling with making the decision to stay either remain married, divorce, or avoid making any decision whatsoever.
It's sometimes called "divorce counseling" but if one of you has unequivocally decided to divorce, then this approach isn't relevant to your situation.
If one of you is seriously contemplating divorce, or are a couple on the brink, this isn't the time to "work on the marriage."
That ship has already sailed…
"DIS·CERN·MENT COUN-SEL-ING:” [n.]
A marital approach intended to slow down the divorce process, and enhance your ability to make clear and concrete decisions when considering your options. It is also sometimes called Divorce Counseling, or Pre-Divorce Counseling.
But on the other hand, perhaps you lack certainty. You may have lingering doubts about whether a divorced is an prudent decision. If that’s the case, you may seek to slow down and give it some serious thought.
The Discernment Counseling protocol doesn’t even resemble a standard couples therapy session.. because it isn’t couples therapy.
Discernment Counseling is essentially a one on one exploration of the “hard” reasons and “soft reasons why divorce is on the table in the first place.
Divorce is an consequential decision. It's a decision that only takes one of you can make, to make it so.
As opposed to the open-ended nature of couples therapy, Discernment Counseling tends to be deep and brief. The protocol is restricted to no more than 5 sessions, and could be satisfied in as little as 1 session.
In other words, it is a time-limited approach to help you to judge your marital options well, especially when divorce is on the table.
It’s estimated that marriage counseling is a waste of time and money for about 30% of couples who have conflicting agendas.
Discernment Counseling is a more attractive option to explore whether or not getting a divorce is prudent or necessary.
Discernment Counseling is designed for skeptical spouses who doubt that couples therapy will do any good.
THE LEANING OUT PARTNER’S PERSPECTIVE
There may be many good reasons why this can’t be a clean process for you.
You may be looking to “slip out the back, Jack” without being the designated bad guy.
or maybe you want to “make a new plan, Stan” because although you did agreed to couples therapy in the past, you knew in your heart that “it’s dead, Fred.”
But you had a growing awareness that you knew you were getting fed up. You became convinced that “nothing would help.”
Or maybe you just got bad therapy. You went to someone you thought could help, and they actually made things worse.
Maybe you asked your partner about marriage counseling and they shut you down.
Another reason this issue may torment you is that there is no clean end to the stick.
I see many clients asking about Discernment Counseling because they’re involved in an undisclosed, ongoing extra-marital affair that they aren't willing to reveal or to give up.
Or maybe the consequences of being squeezed and not having enough juice to go around just got critical.
Or maybe you’re just so friggin’ depressed that getting out of bed seems harder than therapy.
Or you’ve got kids… and maybe they’re already acting out…and now you’re worried how a divorce might shape them over time.
This might not even be the first time you've thought about ending your marriage.
You’ve had an epiphany. You know just can't continue the way things are, not for you, your spouse, not for anybody. Period.
Not even if there are children involved. You are in so much pain, you believe divorce may be only solution
But you just can’t seem to pick up the phone….
YOU MUST TELL YOUR STORY
You might be experiencing pain and frustration, but let’s face it…you’re also pretty self-absorbed right now
. Perhaps that’s why you’re so preoccupied right now. Ruminating. Fretting.
You haven’t really sat with these feelings before, have you?
It's about your unhappiness. How hard you tried… or how little you complained. How hard you tried to avoid conflict…until you realized that conflict and closeness are like the two serpents entwined around Mercury’s winged staff…you can’t resolve one without the other.
Intrusive thoughts abide. You can no longer stuff it down. You can’t stop thinking about the efforts you made, or failed to make.
The lonely feelings you've been covering up are now expanding into a gaping maw.
It’s hard to notice just how dark and invisible you feel.
And how the things you've done to try to make things better between you seem worthless.. you've become even more hopeless. You don’t just want to give up…you have.
There's a stale smell in the room when you are together. Taking vacations sucks. Not taking vacations sucks.
You feel like a fraud for staying. What happened to the life you expected?
BUT DIVORCE?
THAT'S A LIFE CHANGING DECISION…
You crave space to talk it out with somebody.
That’s why you’re spending so much time trying to find the words to explain the ineffable truth to your spouse...who may be utterly bewildered, and completely out of sync with your feelings, as usual.
Or you may flair up in an unexpected rage and say hurtful things…only to wince as your partner does likewise.
Discernment Counseling is existential to your well-being. It’s a very personal process. Each session stands on its own. I’m not there to “be the last one to give up” or “hold the hope for you” until you’re ready.
That’s the kind of sophomoric bullshit you hear in really bad couples therapy.
But Discernment Counseling isn’t couples therapy.
A good couples therapist would never seek to "convince" you to stay.
A more modest clinical goal would be to help you to notice, slow you down, and relentlessly pursue clarity about what you want and why.
In Discernment Counseling, I’m not going to lift a finger to change around what makes you both so unhappy. We’re just taking inventory for now.
Remember, if you both get clarity and confidence that divorcing is your best option, your therapist is not going to argue with you. In fact, they will consider their work with you a success.
Couples therapy seeks to repair a marriage and restore it to a healthy footing. Discernment Counseling is only seeking to replace confusion with clarity and confidence.
If you can create a shared agenda, and decide that you want couples therapy… swell!
. That's one of 3 choices to choose from. The others are seperation/divorce…or kick the can down the road once more.
But for now, you feel you’re at a crossroad…you want to know which direction to go, with greater clarity and confidence… and the scarecrow isn’t helping.
Discernment Counseling is about examining your own misadventures in your marriage, because if you don’r take responsibility, you're just as likely to bad behaviors with a new partner.
And if you’re entangled in an affair at work (no, I’m not going to rat you out Discernment Counseling...) repeating that same mistake, for some, is a toxic serial behavior that’s likely to happen again sooner or than later.
You’ve got to take yourself on in this process. Clarity is king.
The 'LEARNING IN' spouse’s perspective
“I know there we have problems, but you want a seperation? That's not something I ever thought would happen to us.”
I’m not a quitter. I can’t believe I’ve been betrayed like this … when I’ve worked so long and so hard to keep us together. “
or perhaps you discovered an affair thats been going on under your nose for months.
Really? Her? You’re kidding right? Does she even know what a selfish pothead you are?
How can you stay calm when you’re just so damn hurt.
Of course, you're hurt. Perhaps trembling with rage…or frozen solid and unresponsive. Betrayed, and deeply, grieving. A whole host of negative emotions flood your mind.
How can you possibly put your best foot forward?
The "leaning in" partner" is often bewildered. The feel as if they just had the rug pulled out from underneath them. They may be furious, frustrated, or just plain old pissed off.
It’s not unusual for Hurt Partners to cross the line and display any number of unappealing traits.
They may become contemptuous and verbally abusive, They may promise and placate. Swinging wildly from being ragefully inconsolable one minute, only to plead that they or willing to "do anything" to stop their partner from leaving.
Hurt Partners have untidy emotions to say the least.
But you're not content to identify asa "victim" then you’ve got some work to you've got work to do.
First, you must decide you want to keep, or leave your marriage.
That's a decision your partner must make too. But if your heart is set on keeping your current life partner marriage … if you really, really want this marriage, then you have to ask why you want it now. What’s different?
Why is it worth fighting for?
Why is it worth changing your behaviors? What is worth saving?
And how do you feel about the idea that as the Leaning In partner, it's on you to do most of the work to save it?
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Clarity
Confidence
Ending the gridlock with a chosen path forward.
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Can you own up to your part in any of these powerful reasons your partner has for considering divorce?
Drug or alcohol abuse?
Periodic violent verbal or physical outbursts.
Explosive rage, or deep depression the you refuse to talk about?
Has there been serial infidelity on your part?
Are you responsible for emotional or sexual withholding that has gone on for years, even decades?
Discernment counseling isn't going to offer an endless supply of commiseration, sympathy, or empathy for the Leaning in partner..
The therapist won't remain a passive listener to how you've been hurt and focus exclusively on soothing you.
If you aren't willing to engage with the concerns of your leaning out partner, you're more or less signing the divorce papers with them.
If you’re leaning toward ending your marriage, Discernment Counseling might be a offer in a single session the path to getting clear on that and deciding how to move forward and implement your decisions..
But if you don't want out as well, the way you act from this point forward really matters. We know all the ways that simply don't work. Threatening, scolding, pleading, those don't work. We could go on and on, but how you choose to conduct yourself is what Discernment Counseling focuses on in your private sessions.
Real. Concentrated. Work.
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Bring your best self forward
Settle yourself and don't make things worse
Reduce the ‘desperate’ feeling
Format of
Discernment
Counseling
LIMITED SESSIONS
A Discernment Counselor spends most of the session time in individual meetings. In an intensive, we'll see you individually for approximately one hour each and together for 3-4 hours.
Again, this is not marriage counseling, and there no debate or argument during this joint meeting time.
Keep in mind that one of you is leaning out of the marriage and nearly ready to go forward with a divorce. The other person may be ready to do whatever it takes to save the marriage.
There will be a lot to talk about. Calmly. Rationally. Seriously.
Explore how you got to this point in your relationship
Evaluate objectively whether past counseling has been helpful or detrimental
Examine all options about possible next steps
Many people need the time, space, and an objective, supportive therapist to provide a place to thoughtfully consider all their options.
And it's time limited, you will meet both individually and as a couple during each session.
The goal is to reflect upon, and consider the best course of action for you.
Managing Friends and Family
When your rocky marriage meets the bullwinkle of gossip …how do you manage the loyal friends and family that love you?
Maybe you haven't told anybody yet.
Good.
Keep it that way. Don't engage with friends or family members until you've complete discernment. Why launch a cascade of biased opinions and bad advice from loving, but dysregulated folks who are close to you?
They not only won’t be neutral, they probably can’t be neutral … and you can notice how whatever bitter failures they struggle with will flavor their advice.
People who love you tend not to be able to provide a conversation that will allow you to explore all of your complex feelings calmly.
You're living in an emotional whirlwind. If you share your concerns indiscriminately you will soon be buried in endless ruminations about not only on what you should do, but what they would do in your situation… or what they did do in your situation … or what their sister Cheryl did…etc.
Only they aren't in your situation…you are.
Unless they are carefully trained Marital First Responders, such as those found trained by the Doherty Relationship Institute they are likely to make matters worse, not better.
The Seductive Quality of Validation
When we are hurt, we want to be validated. In fact, we know exactly who to speak to in order to capture that soothing feeling.
Most of the hurting spouses I work with have already spoken to friends, or family. My more conscientiously devout clients may have also spoken to a Rabbi, Minister, Imam, or Local Spiritual Assembly.
And on the secular side of the street, there’s no end to the life coaches, divorce professionals, even individual therapists who may have only heard your side of the story, ythey may be retailing you well-intended but deeply contradictory advice, and you may also risk getting even more confused by the advice your paying for.
The Danger of Half-Assed Couples Therapy
None of this advice is "objective" unless they are trained professionals who have done a thorough assessment of your relationship, with both of you …which isn’t likely.
They’re being paid to hear your side. Period.
The decision to divorce is a grave one. Whether to give it one last try to make it work, or whether to divorce is hard to do when you’re floating on a calm sea of validation.
You’ve got to have a therapist brave enough to invite you to confront your own limitations and insecutities. It's a decision only you can make, and no one has to live with it but you.
No one should commit to half-assed couples counseling: not your couples therapist, not you, or your partner.
Neither will I.
Discernment Counseling isn't Marriage Counseling. I’ll make sure that if you do shift to marriage counseling, it isn’t a waste of your time, money, or effort.
In Discernment Counseling, I emphasize the need for both of you to recognize your own contribution to the marital collapse. Consider any and all viable solutions, not just couples therapy.
Even if you inevitably divorce, knowing what’s untidy on your side of the street will be particularly useful to you and your future partners.
