Why You're More Likely to Find Love When You're Not Desperate for It
Tuesday, July 22, 2025.
A Science-Based Look at Romantic Motivation That Isn’t Just a Pep Talk
If you're single and exhausted, you've probably already received more advice than a NASA launch team. “Put yourself out there.” “You’ve got to love yourself first.” “Don’t be so picky.”
Most of it’s well-meaning, some of it’s cruel, and none of it answers the real question:
Why do some people find love… while others seem to repel it like mismatched refrigerator magnets?
Now, thanks to a new study in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, we have a better answer.
It’s not about how attractive, extroverted, or even ready you are.
It’s about why you’re looking in the first place.
Because, as it turns out, the universe has a sense of humor.
The Science of Why We Date (And Why It Matters)
Psychologist Geoff MacDonald and his team at the University of Toronto have done something deceptively simple: they created a tool called the Autonomous Motivation for Romantic Pursuit Scale (AMRPS)—basically, a quiz that sorts out why you’re dating.
They drew on Self-Determination Theory (Deci & Ryan, 1985), which says that motivation lives on a spectrum from free-willed to externally coerced.
In other words, are you dating because you want to—or because you feel like you have to?
The AMRPS breaks down six motivations:
Intrinsic – You just enjoy love and connection. You’re not trying to fix yourself; you’re just curious and open.
Identified – You see relationships as part of your bigger life plan. Like a garden. Or a mortgage.
Positive Introjected – You want to feel proud of being partnered. It’s about self-image. The holiday card.
Negative Introjected – The TryHarders. You’re avoiding the shame of being single. Also known as “the reunion is next month.”
External – You're swiping to satisfy Mom, your friends, or the algorithm.
Amotivation – You honestly don’t know why you're even on here. Maybe you're just bored. Maybe you're aromantic. Maybe you just like brunch photos.
Who Finds Love (And Who Just Reorganizes Their Dating Apps)
In one study, researchers surveyed more than 1,200 single adults and found a clear pattern: people who scored high on intrinsic or identified motivations were far more likely to be securely attached, future-oriented, and interested in real partnership.
But here’s where it gets juicy!
In a second study, the team tracked over 3,000 singles (ages 18–39) for six months. Who ended up in relationships?
The people who wanted relationships because they actually liked relationships.
Not those trying to escape loneliness, shame, or the slow creep of social dread.
“The people most likely to be partnered were those who said they enjoyed relationships and saw them as meaningful life goals,” MacDonald explained to PsyPost.
“Those who wanted a relationship just to avoid feeling bad about themselves were particularly unlikely to be partnered.”
In short: tryharding backfires. No one wants to date a panic attack in cargo pants.
The Tryhard Paradox: Desperation Is Not a Good Cologne
Here’s a truth we all know but hate to admit: the more you date from a place of fear—fear of being alone, fear of not measuring up—the more likely you are to trip over your own needs.
People with negative introjected motivations were less likely to find love, despite (or because of) trying harder.
They were chasing romance the way some people chase validation: hungrily, and with bad posture.
Plot Twist: The People Who Weren’t Even Trying Sometimes Found Love Anyway
Here’s where the universe proves it’s running on jazz improvisation, not spreadsheets.
People who reported being amotivated—i.e., not particularly interested in dating—were actually slightly more likely to end up in a relationship.
Why? According to the researchers, there are two types of amotivated daters:
Those genuinely happy being single. Maybe they’re aromantic. Maybe they just like reading in bed.
And those happily dabbling—casual daters, situationship surfers—who say they don’t want anything serious… until they accidentally catch feelings.
“We think these sexually active amotivated singles catch feelings and, despite themselves, end up being partnered,” MacDonald said.
Which is science’s way of saying: sometimes love shows up when you’re too busy living your life to beg for it.
So What Does This Mean for You (And for Therapists Like Me)?
First: If you’re dating to meet a social quota, silence your inner critic, or win back your ex in a roundabout game of self-improvement—pause.
Because the data says: you’re not helping yourself.
But if you’re dating because love seems interesting, or because sharing your life with someone aligns with your personal values, you’re in the sweet spot.
Not desperate. Not detached. Just… honest.
For therapists, the AMRPS offers a subtle but powerful tool: a structured way to talk about the why behind love.
And for the rest of us, it’s a reminder that being single isn’t a failure—it’s a setting.
A neutral one. One that might be preferable, depending on what you’re bringing to the table.
A Few Limitations (Because Real Science Doesn’t Pretend to Know Everything)
The study mostly included young adults in Western, individualistic cultures where autonomy is king. So results may not translate to older adults or communities where romantic decisions are more communal.
And while the researchers identified which motivations predict relationships, they haven’t yet nailed down how. Is it confidence? Relational clarity? Luck?
“We’re finding that those with intrinsic motives tend to articulate clearer, more grounded dating goals,” MacDonald noted. The rest is still unfolding.
Final Thought: Get Right With Yourself, Then See What Shows Up
You can’t game this system. You can’t manifest a partner through good vibes alone.
But you can do the quieter, less glamorous work of asking:
Why do I want a relationship?
What does it mean to me?
Am I chasing connection—or avoiding myself?
If you're content on your own and open to connection—not to fix something, but to grow something—you may already be more “ready” than you think.
And if you're still amotivated, still drifting?
Well, you might just stumble into something anyway. Life’s funny like that.
So dust off your dignity. Feed your goldfish. And maybe—just maybe—don’t try so hard.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (1985). Intrinsic motivation and self-determination in human behavior. Springer. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-1-4899-2271-7
MacDonald, G., Thapar, S., Ryan, W. S., Chung, J. M., Hoan, E., & Park, Y. (2024). Why do you want a romantic relationship? Individual differences in motives for romantic relationship pursuit. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. https://doi.org/10.1177/01461672241252938
Spielmann, S. S., MacDonald, G., & Wilson, A. E. (2013). On the rebound: Fears of romantic rejection link to rebound relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 104(4), 609–628. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0031185