Why Some Couples Survive Infidelity — and Others Don’t

Sunday, August 24, 2025

Esther Perel likes to remind us that infidelity offends the human sense of the sacred so much that it got not one, but two slots on the Ten Commandments.

One says don’t do it. The other says don’t even think about doing it. That’s how seriously the ancients took cheating — it wasn’t just bad behavior, it was considered cosmic vandalism.

Infidelity is less like a “mistake” and more like a meteor strike.

It doesn’t just wound; it redraws the map. Couples talk about life in two eras — the before and the after.

Some relationships don’t make it across that fault line. They end in slammed doors, divided houses, and the dull paperwork of divorce.

Others, bafflingly, survive.

They pick through the rubble, bandage their wounds, and, in time, rebuild. Not the same house, mind you — something different. Sometimes sturdier. Sometimes stranger.

So what separates the couples who collapse from the ones who crawl forward together?

The Anatomy of Betrayal

Partners cheat for reasons as varied as the weather. Boredom, loneliness, ego, revenge, unresolved childhood wounds, or simply because the moment presented itself and they lacked brakes. Some affairs are physical; others are emotional, and those often cut deeper.

The betrayal itself matters less than the discovery.

John Gottman notes that the real trauma comes from realizing your partner was living a secret life, just beyond your peripheral vision (Gottman & Silver, 2015). It’s not just sex or secrecy; it’s the shattering of reality.

Why Some Couples Don’t Survive

Some marriages don’t collapse because of the affair itself but because of what follows. The most common death knells are:

• Trust Never Rebuilt. If the cheater dodges responsibility, minimizes, or gaslights, the wound stays raw.

• Repeat Behavior. A one-time betrayal is one thing; a repeating pattern is a lifestyle.

• Attachment Mismatch. Anxious partners clutch tighter, while avoidant partners disappear faster. The push-pull burns them out.

• Narcissism. Without real remorse, the relationship is a stage set. You can’t build intimacy with nothing but cardboard.

For these couples, infidelity isn’t the story’s twist — it’s the closing chapter.

Why Some Couples Do Survive

And then there are the survivors. They don’t get there by pretending nothing happened. They get there by rewriting the marriage contract in blood and tears. Common threads include:

• Full Accountability. The betrayer owns it, no excuses, no dodging.

• Transparency. For a while, everything’s open — phones, schedules, passwords. It’s not forever, but it’s a bridge.

• Meaning-Making. The affair becomes a symptom of deeper fractures, not the entire story.

• Attachment Repair. Sue Johnson’s work on EFT shows that comfort and responsiveness — not words — rebuild bonds (Johnson, 2019).

• Therapy. Without it, couples often circle the same arguments until exhaustion. With it, they sometimes find a way through (Fincham & May, 2017).

The Cultural Lens

Culture shapes whether betrayal is survivable. In the U.S., the cultural script is: cheating’s logical outcome is divorce. Although we resist divorcing more than half the time. In other words, Americans suffer greatly in the throes of broken trust.

But in many European contexts, infidelity is seen a bit differently — painful, yes, but feelings run a bit more sanguine. Esther Perel points out that in some cultures, marriage is about legacy, parenting, and companionship — fidelity matters, but it isn’t always the only measure (Perel, 2017).

The survival odds, then, are influenced not just by two people but by the community narrating their story.

Therapy After Betrayal: Why It Helps

Therapy doesn’t magic away the pain. What it does is provide structure when the relationship feels like chaos. Couples in therapy learn how to:

• Build small rituals of trust.

• Navigate triggers without detonating.

• Name what the affair meant without drowning in it.

• Balance personal healing with shared healing.

Think of it less as “healing” in the Hollywood sense and more as construction work after a fire: messy, noisy, slow, but possible.

Frequently Asked Questions About Surviving Infidelity

Can a marriage really survive cheating?

Yes — but not by accident. Affairs are earthquakes; some homes crumble, others get rebuilt with stronger beams. The couples who survive don’t ignore the rubble. They rebuild it, often brick by brick, with therapy, time, and unglamorous honesty.

Why do people cheat if they’re “happy”?

Because people aren’t logical machines. Affairs aren’t always about misery at home. Sometimes they’re about ego, opportunity, or unhealed hurts. People can love their spouse and still betray them. It’s maddening, but human.

If my partner cheated once, will they do it again?

Not automatically. Some learn, some don’t. The difference is accountability. A remorseful partner who takes full ownership is different from one who shrugs and repeats the pattern.

Should I forgive if I can’t forget?

Forgiveness isn’t erasure. It’s just choosing not to keep drinking poison every day. You’ll remember — of course you will — but forgiveness makes the memory less sharp. Sometimes it happens inside the marriage, sometimes long after it ends.

How long does it take to recover from infidelity?

Longer than you want, shorter than you fear. The raw pain often lasts months, not weeks. Trust takes years. Recovery isn’t linear. It’s more like climbing a mountain in fog: exhausting, uneven, but ever upward.

Does therapy really help after betrayal?

Yes. Without therapy, many couples just replay the same argument in endless reruns. Therapy interrupts the loop, offering tools, rituals, and language for repair. It doesn’t erase the betrayal, but it makes surviving possible.

Surviving Isn’t Forgetting

Couples who survive infidelity don’t erase it. They weave it into their story. The scar remains, but it becomes part of the architecture. For some, survival means staying together in a new way.

For others, it means parting with dignity. Both are valid.

Infidelity doesn’t dictate the ending. What happens afterward does. I can help with that.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Allen, E. S., Atkins, D. C., Baucom, D. H., Snyder, D. K., Gordon, K. C., & Glass, S. P. (2005). Intrapersonal, interpersonal, and contextual factors in engaging in and responding to infidelity. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 12(2), 101–130. https://doi.org/10.1093/clipsy.bpi014

Fincham, F. D., & May, R. W. (2017). Infidelity in romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 70–74. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.03.008

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.

Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. Guilford Press.

Perel, E. (2017). The state of affairs: Rethinking infidelity. Harper.