Why is grief so exhausting?

Sunday, March 24, 2024.

Understanding Grief: A Family Therapist's Perspective

Grief, often synonymous with the pain of losing a loved one, is a natural response not only to death but also to significant life changes such as job transitions, relationship endings, or relocations.

As a family therapist, I've witnessed how grief impacts not just individuals but also their relationships and family dynamics. It does not encompass stages like denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. That is nonsense and pseudo-science. There are no “stages” of grief, per se.

Grief involves a complex interplay of emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations.

Why is grief exhausting? Our minds, brains, and bodies all play a role in the grief process, reacting to and aiding in the recovery from the profound impact of change. While emotional upheaval is a hallmark of grief, physical symptoms such as nausea, fatigue, insomnia, and changes in appetite are also common. This holistic response underscores the depth of disruption that grief brings to our lives, challenging our usual sources of comfort and connection.

From a family therapy perspective, grief is deeply intertwined with our innate need for connection. Throughout human history, sticking together in groups has been a survival tactic, making the loss of connection akin to a primal alarm within our systems. When we experience loss, whether it's the death of a loved one or another significant change, it disrupts our sense of connection and triggers profound emotional responses within ourselves and our families.

Every individual's grief journey is unique, devoid of a prescribed rulebook or timeline. As a family therapist, I emphasize the importance of acknowledging and respecting each person's unique path through grief. Whether mourning a person, a job, or another aspect of life, it's crucial to allow oneself to ride the waves of grief, however and whenever they come. This flexibility and acceptance are foundational in facilitating healing within families.

Common Ways Grief May Manifest:

Emotional Rollercoaster: Grief often involves a range of emotions such as sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, and even relief. These emotions can ebb and flow unpredictably, impacting individuals and their interactions within the family unit.

Physical Symptoms: Grief can manifest physically, leading to fatigue, sleep disturbances, headaches, and gastrointestinal discomfort. These physical manifestations can further exacerbate the emotional toll of grief.

Cognitive Effects: Loss may affect concentration, memory, and decision-making abilities, making it challenging for individuals to navigate daily tasks and make choices within the family context.

Social Withdrawal: Grieving humans may withdraw from social activities or isolate themselves as they navigate their emotions. This withdrawal can impact family dynamics and communication patterns.

Spiritual Impact: Grief may prompt existential questions about the meaning of life, existence, and one's beliefs, influencing how individuals and families make sense of the loss within their spiritual or existential frameworks.

Intense Longing: A common aspect of grief is intense longing for the person or thing that is lost, which can lead to moments of deep sadness and despair within the family unit.

Changes in Identity: Grief can alter one's sense of identity, prompting questions about roles and relationships within the family context.

Behavioral Changes: Grief can influence behavior, leading to changes in routines, habits, and coping mechanisms within the family system.

Impact on Relationships: The dynamics of relationships within families can shift due to grief, with communication becoming strained and family members struggling to connect with each other amidst their individual experiences of loss.

As a family therapist, I emphasize the highly individualized nature of grief and the importance of supporting folks and families in coping with it in various ways. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and each person's journey is unique.

If folks or families are struggling with grief, seeking support from friends, family, or professionals can be beneficial in navigating the challenges and facilitating healing within the family unit.

Grieving With Mindfulness: Grieving mindfully involves being aware of and accepting emotions without judgment, individually and within the family context. Here are some strategies families can employ:

Acceptance: Encourage family members to allow themselves to feel their emotions without judgment, fostering self-compassion and understanding within the family unit.

Expression: Provide opportunities for family members to express their feelings in constructive ways, such as through journaling, talking, or engaging in creative activities together.

Reach Out: Encourage families to seek support from spiritual counselors, therapists, and other families who have experienced similar losses. This will foster connection and understanding within the community.

Self-Care: Emphasize the importance of self-care within the family unit, encouraging family members to prioritize their physical and emotional well-being amidst the challenges of grief.

Celebration: Facilitate opportunities for families to celebrate the life of their loved one in meaningful ways, fostering connection and honoring their unique relationship within the family context.

Being There: There is simply no substitute. Grieving requires loving attention….

The night my father died it was hot and humid…It was the sort of night that would have been difficult to sleep anyway… I felt a sadness so intense it hurt.

Barbara curled up next to me on the sofa… She stroked me gently on the back of the neck… the way she has countless times that I was tense or tired, except the touch was so gentle this time. I talked a little…but not much.

Eventually, a fitful sleep came. In the dark hour of that evening I was not alone. I was loved. Kim Halford.

Final thoughts

I recognize the profound impact of grief on individuals and families and the importance of supporting them through this journey with compassion, understanding, and acceptance. By acknowledging the unique experiences of each family member and providing a supportive environment for expression and connection, families can navigate grief together and emerge stronger and more resilient as a unit. I can help with that.

Be well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES

Worden, J. W. (2009). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner. Springer Publishing Company.

Neimeyer, R. A. (Ed.). (2016). Techniques of Grief Therapy: Creative Practices for Counseling the Bereaved. Routledge.

Bowlby, J. (1980). Attachment and Loss (Vol. 3). Basic Books.