Why Does My Wife Hit Me?

Sunday, February 16, 2025. This is for my clients John, Teddy, and Arun.

Imagine you’re sitting across from a therapist. Maybe me. Maybe someone else. You clear your throat, you look down, and then you finally say it:

"My wife hits me."

And just like that, the universe seems to malfunction.

You expect disbelief, maybe laughter. Maybe a confused head tilt, like a golden retriever hearing a kazoo. After all, this isn’t how the story is supposed to go.

But here’s the thing: it happens. A lot more than most people want to admit.

And because I like telling the truth about therapy, even when it makes people squirm, let's talk about it.

Let’s talk about why women hit first, why men often don’t hit back, and why nobody wants to acknowledge the whole messy, contradictory, and deeply human reality of domestic violence.

Domestic Violence in America: The Numbers No One Wants to Talk About

The numbers don’t lie, though sometimes people wish they would.

According to the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, over one in three women (35.6%) and one in four men (28.5%) will experience physical violence, stalking, or sexual coercion from a partner at some point in their lives (Black et al., 2011).

Read that again. One in four men.

If that many men are experiencing intimate partner violence (IPV), why don’t we hear about it?

Because the idea of the male victim disrupts the dominant narrative.

The image of a battered woman seeking refuge in a shelter is deeply ingrained in our culture. And to be clear—she exists, and she deserves protection. But so does the man hiding bruises under his sleeves, laughing off his wife’s slap, convincing himself it’s not that bad.

But it is that bad.

When Women Hit First: What the Research Says

If you’ve ever watched a movie or a sitcom, you’ve probably seen the scene where the woman hauls off and smacks the guy across the face. Maybe he deserved it. Maybe it was played for laughs. Maybe the audience cheered.

That’s the problem.

We have actual data on this, and it’s eye-opening.

Studies consistently show that women initiate physical violence in relationships at least as often as men—sometimes more (Williams et al., 2008).

Why? Researchers have identified several common motivations:

• Retaliation. Some women hit because they expect to be hit and want to get the first blow in (Bair-Merritt et al., 2010).

• Control. Violence is often about dominance. Women are not exempt from that dynamic.

• Emotional Dysregulation. Sometimes, it’s not about control or fear—it’s about losing it. Rage, frustration, a sense of being ignored.

• Because They Can. Society rarely takes female violence against men seriously. Many women know that if they hit first, they won’t face consequences.

This isn’t a comfortable conversation. But we don’t solve problems by ignoring them.

Why Male Victims Stay Silent

Men don’t report abuse for the same reason you hesitated before clicking on this article.

Shame.

The shame of admitting you, a grown man, can’t "handle your woman." The shame of knowing people will laugh or blame you. The shame of fearing that if you do fight back, you’ll be the one in handcuffs.

A study found that when men seek help for domestic violence, they’re often met with disbelief, minimization, or outright dismissal (NatCen, 2021).

Many report being laughed at or told they must have done something to deserve it.

Some are even arrested after calling the police. Jail is usually the only functional men’s shelter available in most areas.

So instead, they do what men have been doing for centuries:

• They endure.

• They tell themselves it’s not that bad.

• They tell themselves they’re stronger.

• They tell themselves no one will believe them anyway.

And they stay.

Until one day, they don’t.

Why This Is So Hard to Talk About

We don’t like complexity. We like clear-cut heroes and villains. That’s why we struggle to hold two truths at the same time:

• Many women suffer horrifying domestic abuse at the hands of men.

• Some men suffer horrifying domestic abuse at the hands of women.

Acknowledging one does not erase the other.

Yet when male victims speak up, they’re often met with hostility, as if their suffering somehow undermines the very real struggles of female victims.

It doesn’t.

It just means that abuse is abuse, no matter who’s swinging the fist.

How Do We Fix This?

I wish I had a neat, five-step answer. I don’t. But I do know this:

• We need to take all domestic violence seriously. Yes, even when the abuser is a woman.

• Men need spaces where they can talk without being ridiculed. Because silence kills.

• Therapists, cops, and social workers need better training. If someone says their wife hit them, the response shouldn’t be "What did you do?"

• We need to challenge the cultural narratives that normalize female violence. A slap isn’t “cute.” A punch isn’t “empowering.” If we wouldn’t tolerate it from a man, we shouldn’t tolerate it from a woman.

And most of all, we need to stop pretending domestic violence is a one-way street.

Because it’s not.

And the sooner we face that truth, the sooner we can help everyone who needs it.

You’re Not Alone

If this article made you uncomfortable, good. That means you’re thinking. That means you’re questioning. That means you’re awake.

And if you’re a man who has been hurt—who has been slapped, shoved, kicked, belittled, controlled, manipulated, or made to feel like you don’t matter—hear this:

You are not crazy. You are not weak. And you are not alone.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

REFERENCES:

Bair-Merritt, M. H., Crowne, S. S., Thompson, D. A., Sibinga, E., & Trent, M. (2010). Why do women use intimate partner violence? A systematic review of women's motivations. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 11(4), 178-189.

Black, M. C., Basile, K. C., Breiding, M. J., Smith, S. G., Walters, M. L., Merrick, M. T., Chen, J., & Stevens, M. R. (2011). The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS): 2010 Summary Report. Atlanta, GA: National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

NatCen Social Research. (2021). Female perpetrators of intimate partner violence. Retrieved from https://natcen.ac.uk/s/understanding-female-perpetrators-intimate-partner-violence

Williams, J. R., Ghandour, R. M., & Kub, J. E. (2008). Female perpetration of violence in heterosexual intimate relationships: adolescence through adulthood. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 9(4), 227-249.