7 Signs of Emotional Abuse That You Flat-Out Missed

Sunday, February 16, 2025,

Let’s get one thing straight: emotional abuse can be sneaky.

It’s the ninja of relational dysfunction—silent, strategic, and often only visible in hindsight.

If you’ve ever looked back on a relationship and thought, Wait a minute, was that… bad?, congratulations, my friend—you might have been emotionally bamboozled.

Emotional abuse doesn’t show up with a neon sign that says, “THIS IS TOXIC.”

It’s more like a slow gas leak. You don’t notice it at first, and then suddenly, you’re dizzy, disoriented, and questioning if you’re the one who’s crazy.

So, let’s break down some of the signs you may have missed while you were too busy blaming yourself for things that weren’t your fault.

You Became a Walking Apology

Did you start apologizing for everything? For having emotions? For breathing too loudly? For asking someone not to hurt your feelings? Yeah, that’s not normal.

Emotional abusers have a way of making you feel like you’re always one step away from ruining everything.

Research on gaslighting shows that victims of emotional abuse often internalize blame, even when it makes zero logical sense (Sweet, 2019). Before you know it, you’re apologizing for things like being upset that they yelled at you, as if you’re the unreasonable one.

If someone makes you feel like you need a permission slip to have basic human emotions, you might be dealing with an emotional abuser.

“It’s Just a Joke” Became a Constant Refrain

“Oh, come on. I was just joking.”

Classic. Nothing says, I’m emotionally abusive but don’t want to be held accountable like weaponizing humor.

Research on covert emotional abuse finds that insults dressed up as jokes are a common manipulation tactic, one that allows abusers to maintain control while avoiding responsibility (Elder, 2019). It’s called “masked hostility,” and no, you’re not being “too sensitive” for noticing it.

If someone repeatedly made you feel bad and then gaslit you into thinking you shouldn’t feel bad, they weren’t a comedian. They were just mean.

Their Mood Swings Kept You on Edge

One day, they were your biggest fan. The next, they were treating you like gum stuck to their shoe. You never knew which version of them you were going to get, and that’s by design.

Intermittent reinforcement—where positive and negative behaviors are doled out unpredictably—is a hallmark of emotional abuse (Dutton & Painter, 1993). It’s the same principle that keeps gamblers pulling the lever on a slot machine: Maybe this time I’ll win! Maybe this time they’ll love me the right way!

You won’t. They won’t.

If you had to walk on eggshells because their mood could turn on a dime, that wasn’t you being dramatic—that was them keeping you destabilized.

They Made You Question Your Own Memory

Ever had someone tell you something didn’t happen, even though you’re pretty sure it did? Welcome to the psychological circus of gaslighting!

Gaslighting is one of the most well-documented tactics of emotional abusers, and it’s so effective that it can make you feel like you’re losing your grip on reality (Stern, 2018). They say things like:

• “I never said that.” (They absolutely did.)

• “You’re imagining things.” (You are not.)

• “You’re too emotional.” (Having emotions doesn’t make you wrong.)

Over time, you start questioning yourself instead of questioning them, which is exactly what they want.

The Silent Treatment Became a Weapon

Ignoring someone for extended periods of time isn’t just rude—it’s a form of emotional abuse.

Research on ostracism shows that being ignored activates the same brain regions as physical pain (Williams, 2009).

That’s right: your brain registers the silent treatment the same way it registers actual bodily harm. And yet, emotional abusers wield it like a toddler wields an iPad—excessively and without regard for your well-being.

If someone used silence to punish you instead of communicating like an adult, that wasn’t “space.” That was control.

They Took Credit for Your Success But Blamed You for Their Failures

Did they suddenly become your unofficial spokesperson the moment you accomplished something? “Yeah, I taught them everything they know.” Oh, did you? Did you teach me how to do my own work and achieve my own success? Fascinating.

Meanwhile, if they failed at something, somehow that was your fault. A study on narcissistic abuse found that emotional abusers often engage in “projection,” blaming their victims for their own shortcomings while simultaneously taking credit for their successes (Durvasula, 2019).

If someone managed to be both your biggest critic and your biggest imposter, that was more than just annoying—it was psychological manipulation.

You Felt Lonely… Even When You Were With Them

Here’s the thing about emotional abuse: it isolates you, even when you’re not alone.

A healthy relationship makes you feel seen, understood, and connected.

An emotionally abusive one makes you feel like you’re talking to someone through a glass wall. Studies on relational trauma show that chronic emotional invalidation can leave victims feeling lonelier in a relationship than they would be on their own (Johnson, 2020).

If you were constantly explaining your feelings to someone who never seemed to care, that loneliness wasn’t in your head. It was real. And you deserved better.

Final Thoughts: You Weren’t Stupid—You Were Trained to Ignore the Red Flags

If any of these signs feel eerily familiar, take a deep breath. You weren’t “dumb” for not seeing them sooner.

Emotional abuse works precisely because it’s insidious. It trains you to ignore your own instincts, to second-guess yourself, to believe that maybe you’re just overreacting.

But now? Now you know better. And once you see the pattern, you can’t unsee it.

If this post resonated with you, consider reaching out to a therapist. Because trust me—someone who actually cares about your well-being won’t make you feel like a problem for existing.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Dutton, D. G., & Painter, S. L. (1993). The battered woman syndrome: Effects of severity and intermittency of abuse. Violence and Victims, 8(2), 105-116.

Durvasula, R. (2019). Don't You Know Who I Am?: How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility. Post Hill Press.

Elder, G. (2019). Humorous hostility: When jokes become a form of abuse. Journal of Interpersonal Relations, 45(3), 211-225.

Johnson, S. M. (2020). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. Guilford Press.

Stern, R. (2018). The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life. Harmony.

Sweet, P. L. (2019). The sociology of gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851-875.

Williams, K. D. (2009). Ostracism: A temporal need‐threat model. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 41, 275-314.