When Fathers Grieve: The Silent Earthquake of Loss

This is in memory of my son, Daniel Gordon Hamilton 12/17/73 - 3/16/25. He was very much loved.

Grief is often compared to an ocean—vast, unpredictable, and overwhelming. But when a father loses a child, it is more like an earthquake. It shakes everything at its foundation, yet from the outside, it can appear eerily still.

The world expects fathers to be strong, composed, and practical. Society rarely asks, How are you really holding up?

For decades, grief research has centered on mothers, assuming—wrongly—that fathers somehow grieve less, or at least differently in a way that didn’t warrant deeper study.

The FATHERS model (Postavaru et al., 2023) challenges that assumption, providing a structured framework for understanding how men process the unthinkable.

But is this the definitive model for paternal grief?

Emerging research both confirms and contradicts aspects of the FATHER model, revealing a far more nuanced and complex landscape of male bereavement. Let’s take a deeper look.

What Research Confirms About Fathers’ Grief

The F.A.T.H.E.R.S. Grief Model is an acronym designed to outline the unique way fathers often experience and process grief. While grief is deeply personal and varies among individuals, many men, particularly fathers, follow a pattern influenced by societal expectations, emotional regulation styles, and ingrained roles of protector and provider. Below is a detailed breakdown of each letter in the acronym:

F – Fixing the Problem

Fathers are often conditioned to be problem-solvers. When faced with grief, their first instinct is often to "fix" the situation.

In the case of child loss or bereavement, this might manifest as researching medical explanations, trying to find reasons for what happened, or taking immediate action to prevent further pain for others.

Some fathers may turn to practical tasks—planning funerals, handling paperwork, or supporting their spouse—rather than confronting their emotions directly.

While action-oriented coping can be helpful, it’s important to acknowledge that grief is not something that can be "fixed." Encouraging fathers to balance action with emotional expression is crucial.

A – Avoidance of Emotions

Many fathers suppress their grief in an attempt to stay strong for their family.

This avoidance can take many forms:

• Throwing themselves into work

• Engaging in excessive physical activity

• Distraction through hobbies, TV, or even substance use

Societal norms often discourage men from showing vulnerability, leading them to repress sadness and tears.

Avoidance can delay the grieving process, causing emotions to resurface in unexpected ways later.

Providing fathers with safe spaces to express their emotions—whether through therapy, support groups, or private reflection—can be beneficial.

T – Task-Oriented Coping

Many grieving fathers redirect their energy into tasks rather than emotional expression.

This may include:

• Creating a foundation in honor of a lost loved one

• Volunteering for causes related to the loss (e.g., supporting other bereaved parents)

• Engaging in a project (e.g., writing a memoir, planting a tree, starting a charity)

Action provides a sense of control in a situation where they otherwise feel powerless.

Task-oriented grieving is a healthy outlet, but fathers should also be encouraged to process their emotions alongside their actions.

Rituals and memorial activities that integrate emotional expression can be a bridge between action and feeling.

H – Holding in the Pain

Fathers often internalize grief, carrying the burden silently.

Unlike mothers, who might seek support from friends or family, fathers may feel pressure to be the "rock" of the family.

This can result in:

• Bottled-up emotions that manifest later as anger, depression, or even physical symptoms (headaches, stomach issues, high blood pressure).

Holding in grief does not make it disappear; it intensifies it.

Encouraging alternative expressions of grief—writing, art, music, exercise—can help fathers externalize their pain in ways that feel comfortable for them. My compiling the research and writing this 5 am is an example of this tendency in action.

E – Emotional Distancing

Many grieving fathers unconsciously withdraw from loved ones due to their grief.

This might be due to a belief that their role is to protect others from pain rather than share their own suffering.

Emotional distancing can look like:

• Becoming quieter, less engaged in family activities

• Avoiding conversations about the loss

• Experiencing difficulty reconnecting with a spouse or children

Distancing can create relational strain, leading to misunderstandings or resentment.

Fathers should be encouraged to maintain emotional connections, even if it’s through small gestures of vulnerability—such as writing a letter to their lost loved one or sharing memories with family.

R – Re-examining Identity and Purpose

Fathers often link their identity to being a provider and protector. A significant loss—especially the loss of a child—can shatter this identity.

Many fathers ask existential questions:

• "What does it mean to be a father if my child is gone?"

• "How do I move forward when my role feels empty?"

• "What is my purpose now?"

This phase often involves a deep internal struggle with meaning and faith.

Helping fathers reconstruct their identity in a way that incorporates their loss (rather than erasing it) can lead to healing.

Some find meaning through mentorship, spirituality, advocacy, or creative expression.

S – Seeking a New Normal

Grief never truly disappears, but fathers eventually learn to carry it in a way that allows life to move forward.

This stage involves:

• Integration – Finding a way to honor the past while living in the present.

• Adaptation – Adjusting to life with an altered sense of self and purpose.

• Reconnection – Restoring emotional bonds with family and friends.

Healing does not mean forgetting. Fathers should be encouraged to create rituals of remembrance—celebrating birthdays, anniversaries, or personal tributes that help keep their loved one’s memory alive while allowing them to continue living.

Thoughts on the F.A.T.H.E.R.S. Model

This grief model highlights the silent, internal struggles many fathers face when grieving.

Recognizing these patterns can help partners, therapists, and support systems provide meaningful support tailored to fathers' needs.

Fathers grieve deeply, but they often do so in ways that are less visible than traditional expressions of grief. Providing validation, alternative outlets, and support is essential in their healing journey.

Private Grieving and Emotional Isolation

Grief is often a deeply private experience for fathers. Many internalize their pain, avoiding outward emotional expression due to societal expectations of masculinity.

A study by Snaman et al. (2021) at St. Jude Children's Research Hospital found that fathers often feel excluded from grief discussions, which focus primarily on mothers’ experiences. This contributes to long-term emotional isolation, even when fathers desperately need support.

Some key findings:

• Fathers are less likely to attend bereavement support groups than mothers.

• They are more prone to grieving in solitude, often without sharing emotions with friends or family.

• Many prioritize supporting their spouse over acknowledging their own grief.

The perception that fathers "grieve less" is a myth. They grieve differently—often in silence.

Goal-Oriented Coping and “Productive” Grief

One of the most widely observed aspects of paternal grief is the turn toward action as a coping strategy.

Fathers often immerse themselves in work, home projects, or legacy-building activities—a behavior confirmed by McNeil et al. (2021).

Common coping mechanisms include:

• Workaholism – Avoiding emotional pain by increasing professional workload.

• Physical activity – Using exercise or physically demanding tasks to process grief.

• Philanthropy – Starting charities or engaging in fundraising to honor the child’s memory.

Fathers are more likely to channel their grief into action, which can be healthy but may also delay emotional processing.

Persistent Grief Reactions and Delayed Trauma

While mothers often experience intense emotional grief immediately after a child's passing, fathers are more likely to have delayed, long-term grief reactions (McNeil et al., 2021). This aligns with the "traumatic loss" aspect of the FATHER model.

Key findings:

• Fathers report higher rates of depression and anxiety than non-bereaved peers.

• Some experience intrusive thoughts and PTSD-like symptoms, particularly regarding their child’s suffering.

• There is a greater tendency toward avoidance, including reluctance to discuss the child or visit their gravesite.

Fathers may take months or years to process their grief fully, making long-term support critical.

What Research Contrasts About Fathers’ Grief

While many aspects of the FATHERS model hold up under scrutiny, newer research suggests that paternal grief is far more varied than previously thought.

The Myth of Emotional Silence

Contrary to the stereotype of the "strong, silent father," many men do express their grief openly—just differently than expected. Research by Jones et al. (2019) found that some fathers:

• Actively seek therapy or support groups, contradicting the assumption that they avoid emotional discussion.

• Express grief through music, art, or creative writing rather than verbal communication.

• Have deeply personal rituals of remembrance, such as talking to their child’s photo or keeping personal belongings close.

Not all fathers suppress their grief—some lean into emotional expression in less visible ways.

Identity and Self-Worth Are Profoundly Impacted

For many men, fatherhood is central to their self-concept. When a child is lost, it can trigger a deep identity crisis. Unlike mothers—who often remain closely bonded to their children’s memory through ongoing emotional rituals—fathers are more likely to experience:

• Feelings of failure (especially if the loss was due to illness or an accident).

• A crisis of purpose, struggling with what their role should be after losing a child.

• Changes in personality, with some reporting increased detachment or existential questioning (Neimeyer, 2022).

Fathers’ grief isn’t just emotional—it reshapes their entire identity.

Cultural Variations in Paternal Grief

Cultural Variations in Fatherly Grief

Grief is universal, but how fathers grieve—and how their grief is perceived—varies significantly across cultures. Social norms, religious beliefs, and traditional gender roles all influence how men process loss. Below is a breakdown of how different cultures shape the F.A.T.H.E.R.S. Grief Model:

Western Individualistic Cultures (U.S., Canada, U.K., Australia)

• Expectation: Men are often expected to be emotionally stoic and "strong" for their family.

• Common Expressions of Grief:

  • Increased work hours or hobbies to cope with pain.

  • Avoidance of open emotional expression.

  • Seeking therapy only when distress becomes unmanageable.

• Challenges:

  • Emotional repression can lead to long-term depression, anxiety, or unhealthy coping mechanisms like alcohol use.

Example:

• A father in the U.S. who loses a child might channel his grief into work, avoiding discussing his pain. If he eventually seeks therapy, it may be framed as a need for "coping skills" rather than emotional support.

Latin American Cultures (Mexico, Brazil, Argentina, Colombia)

• Expectation: The concept of "machismo" often emphasizes emotional control in men.

• Common Expressions of Grief:

  • Public displays of mourning may be discouraged for men.

  • Fathers may take on a protector role, ensuring the family stays financially and emotionally stable.

  • Religious rituals (such as prayers, candle lighting, and church services) play a significant role in the grieving process.

• Challenges:

  • Fathers may feel isolated, unable to openly grieve.

  • Emotional support may be directed toward the mother, leaving the father overlooked.

Example:

• A Mexican father grieving the loss of a child may express grief through religious devotion, attending Mass regularly but struggling to articulate his pain in words.

Middle Eastern and Muslim Cultures (Saudi Arabia, Iran, Egypt, Turkey)

• Expectation: Grief is often expressed through religious rituals, with an emphasis on fate and God's will ("Inna Lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un" – "We belong to God, and to Him, we return").

• Common Expressions of Grief:

  • Fathers may engage in prayer and fasting as a form of grief processing.

  • Community support is crucial; extended family may take on roles to assist the grieving father.

• Challenges:

  • Suppressing emotions for the sake of religious faith can sometimes lead to unresolved grief.

Example:

• An Egyptian father mourning a stillborn child might avoid discussing his pain, focusing instead on religious teachings about acceptance and patience.

Asian Cultures (China, Japan, India, Korea, Vietnam)

• Expectation: Grief is often seen as a family duty rather than an individual experience.

• Common Expressions of Grief:

  • Fathers may not openly express sorrow but demonstrate grief through ancestral rituals or acts of filial piety.

  • In collectivist cultures, maintaining family honor is prioritized over personal emotions.

• Challenges:

  • Fathers may struggle with guilt if they feel they failed to protect their child or family.

  • Seeking therapy may be stigmatized.

Example:

• A Japanese father mourning a child might perform Obon (a Buddhist ritual to honor ancestors) rather than openly crying or discussing his feelings.

African Cultures (Nigeria, South Africa, Kenya, Ethiopia)

• Expectation: Grief is often communal, with an emphasis on collective mourning.

• Common Expressions of Grief:

  • Fathers may engage in public mourning rituals, such as traditional drumming or storytelling.

  • Elders often play a key role in guiding younger men through grief.

• Challenges:

  • If a father does not openly grieve in a culturally expected way, he may face social judgment.

  • Emotional distress may be expressed through physical symptoms (e.g., fatigue, body aches).

Example:

• A Nigerian father who has lost a child may engage in libations (pouring out drinks in honor of the deceased) as a way to process grief communally.

Indigenous Cultures (Native American, Maori, Aboriginal Australians)

• Expectation: Grief is spiritual and deeply connected to nature and ancestry.

• Common Expressions of Grief:

  • Fathers may participate in ceremonial grieving, such as vision quests or sweat lodge rituals.

  • Emphasis on storytelling and keeping the memory of the lost loved one alive.

• Challenges:

  • If a father has been removed from traditional practices (e.g., due to colonization or urbanization), he may struggle to find a framework for his grief.

Example:

• A Native American father mourning his child might seek guidance from a tribal elder and participate in a smudging ceremony to cleanse grief.

Therapeutic Interventions for Fathers' Grief

Because fathers process grief differently from mothers, interventions must be tailored to their needs. Here are some of the best approaches:

Narrative Therapy: Encouraging Fathers to Tell Their Story

• Since many fathers prefer indirect emotional expression, writing, speaking, or creating a tribute to their lost loved one can be powerful.

• Therapists can encourage storytelling through:

  • Writing letters to the deceased.

  • Recording audio messages reflecting on memories.

  • Creating a digital memorial (photo collages, videos, etc.).

Somatic Therapy: Engaging the Body to Release Grief

• Because fathers often suppress emotions, grief may manifest as physical tension.

• Techniques that help release stored grief include:

  • Yoga, tai chi, or martial arts.

  • Breathwork therapy.

  • Massage therapy to release emotional blockages.

Task-Oriented Grief Therapy

• Many fathers prefer action-based grieving rather than traditional talk therapy.

• Therapists can suggest grief-related tasks such as:

  • Building something in memory (a garden, a bench, a scrapbook).

  • Volunteering for a cause related to their loss.

  • Physical challenges (running a marathon in honor of their loved one).

Ritual-Based Healing

• Fathers often find comfort in structured rituals that provide meaning.

• Ideas include:

  • Lighting a candle every year on a significant date.

  • Participating in a community event (e.g., a remembrance walk).

  • Performing an annual act of kindness in memory of their child or loved one.

Peer Support Groups for Fathers

• Many fathers feel isolated in their grief and benefit from male-centered grief groups.

• Options include:

  • "Grieving Dads Project" (an online support network).

  • Faith-based men’s grief groups.

  • Retreats or camps specifically for grieving fathers.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Unresolved Guilt

• If fathers struggle with self-blame, CBT can help challenge irrational guilt.

• Examples:

  • Identifying thought distortions ("I failed as a father").

  • Reframing beliefs about protection and masculinity in grief.

New research suggests that cultural background plays a major role in shaping how fathers grieve. For example:

• In Western cultures, fathers are expected to "stay strong" for the family, reinforcing the tendency toward private grief.

• In Latin American cultures, fathers often publicly express grief and engage in family-centered mourning rituals.

• In Indigenous communities, grief is often processed through storytelling and spiritual practices, with fathers playing an active role in memorial traditions (Neimeyer, 2022).

There is no universal “male” grief experience—cultural norms strongly shape how fathers mourn.

Confirmations in Paternal Grief Research

Research largely supports several consistent patterns in how fathers experience and express grief. These patterns include private grieving, goal-oriented coping mechanisms, and persistent grief reactions.

Private Grieving and Emotional Isolation

Fathers are more likely to internalize their grief compared to mothers. This aligns with traditional gender norms that discourage emotional vulnerability in men.

Studies from St. Jude Children's Research Hospital found that fathers often feel left out of grief discussions, with the focus placed on the mother’s experience (Snaman et al., 2021). This contributes to long-term emotional isolation and increased distress.

Goal-Oriented Coping

A common strategy among bereaved fathers is immersion in work or structured tasks (McNeil et al., 2021).

Unlike mothers, who may seek emotional support or engage in expressive grieving, fathers tend to redirect their grief into action—fundraising, memorial projects, or intense professional focus.

While this can be an adaptive coping mechanism, it delays emotional processing and may result in prolonged or unresolved grief.

Longer-Term Grief Responses

While maternal grief is often characterized by immediate and intense emotional distress, fathers tend to experience delayed and persistent grief symptoms (McNeil et al., 2021). Even years after the loss, fathers report:

• Higher rates of depression and anxiety compared to non-bereaved peers.

• Flashbacks and intrusive thoughts related to their child’s suffering.

• Avoidant behavior, including refusal to engage in discussions about the child’s death.

This aligns with the FATHER model, which identifies "traumatic loss" as a core element of paternal grief (Postavaru et al., 2023).

Contradictions in Research on Paternal Grief

Some aspects of paternal grief remain hotly debated among researchers.

Do Bereavement Groups Actually Help Fathers?

• Some studies suggest that traditional grief counseling is less effective for fathers, who may not resonate with emotion-based support groups (McNeil et al., 2021).

• However, other research found that peer-based, father-specific grief groups had high success rates, suggesting that men benefit most from shared experiences with other bereaved fathers (Neimeyer, 2022). Standard grief counseling may not work for many fathers, but peer-based support groups can be life-changing.

Does Child Loss Increase the Risk of Divorce?

• Earlier research claimed that child loss leads to high divorce rates (Klass, 1999).

• However, newer studies show mixed results, with some couples growing closer through shared grief (Jones et al., 2019).

The effect of grief on marriage varies dramatically depending on the couple’s communication style and emotional support systems.

Final Thoughts: Moving Beyond the Stereotypes

Fathers’ grief has been misunderstood for too long. While the FATHER model provides a solid foundation, research shows that paternal grief is as diverse as the men who experience it.

• Some fathers grieve privately, while others seek emotional connection.

• Some turn to work and action, while others find meaning in ritual and spirituality.

• Some struggle with identity loss, while others discover new purpose.

If there’s one lesson to take away, it’s this: Fathers do grieve. They just do it in ways the world hasn’t perhaps always recognized.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Jones, S., McIntosh, M., & Johnson, R. (2019). New understandings of fathers' experiences of grief and loss. Star Legacy Foundation.

Klass, D. (1999). The parental bond after the child’s death: Long-term effects on the bereaved family. Death Studies, 23(7), 547-572.

McNeil, S., Charles, J., & Rhoades, B. (2021). Grief and bereavement in fathers after the death of a child. Pediatrics, 147(4), e2020040386.

Neimeyer, R. A. (2022). Loss, meaning, and resilience: The science and practice of grief therapy. Routledge.

Postavaru, G.-I., et al. (2023). The FATHER model of loss and grief after child’s life-limiting illness. Pediatrics, 152(1), e2022059122.

Snaman, J., Kaye, E., & Wolfe, J. (2021). Grieving fathers: Understanding their unique needs in pediatric palliative care.St. Jude Research.