25 Ways to Manage Demand Avoidance in Autistic Kids
Tuesday, January 7, 2025. This is for Miguel, and his parents.
Demand Avoidance can be one of the most challenging aspects of parenting an autistic child.
It’s a behavior rooted in anxiety and the need for control, rather than defiance or stubbornness.
Understanding the underlying causes of demand Avoidance can help parents and caregivers respond with compassion, flexibility, and strategies tailored to their child's unique needs.
Below are 25 ways to manage demand avoidance in autistic kids, supported by recent research and insights.
1. Build Trust Through Predictability
Children who exhibit Demand Avoidance often thrive on predictability. Use visual schedules, routines, and timers to create a sense of security.
2. Offer Choices, Not Directives
Frame tasks as options rather than commands. For example, "Would you like to brush your teeth before or after your story?" reduces perceived pressure.
3. Use Visual Supports
Visual aids such as charts, icons, and pictures help some children process requests without feeling overwhelmed by verbal instructions.
4. Keep Requests Neutral and Non-Emotional
Avoid emotionally charged language. A calm, even tone can make tasks feel less threatening.
5. Reframe Demands as Challenges
Turning tasks into fun challenges can engage their problem-solving skills. For instance, "Can you beat the timer and finish tidying before it goes off?"
6. Incorporate Special Interests
Use your child’s passions to motivate them. For example, if they love dinosaurs, you might say, "Let’s pretend we’re paleontologists organizing fossils" when cleaning up.
7. Break Tasks Into Manageable Steps
Chunking larger tasks into small, achievable steps can make them less intimidating. Celebrate each small victory along the way.
8. Use Collaborative Problem-Solving
Work with your child to brainstorm solutions when they resist a task. This collaborative approach can make them feel empowered.
9. Avoid Power Struggles
If resistance escalates, step back rather than forcing compliance. Revisit the task later when they’re calmer.
10. Introduce Humor
Humor can diffuse tension and make requests more appealing. A silly voice or playful approach can go a long way.
11. Limit Verbal Instructions
Too much verbal information can feel overwhelming. Use short, clear phrases paired with gestures or visual cues.
12. Focus on Emotional Regulation
Help your child identify and manage their emotions through calming techniques like deep breathing, sensory tools, or mindfulness exercises.
13. Set Realistic Expectations
Understand your child’s limits and avoid overloading them with too many demands in a short time.
14. Provide Ample Transition Time
Warn your child before a change in activity. For example, "In five minutes, we’ll start getting ready for bed."
15. Model Flexibility
Show how to adapt when things don’t go as planned. For instance, if a task doesn’t go smoothly, narrate your own problem-solving process.
16. Create a Safe Space
Designate a calming corner or sensory-friendly area where your child can retreat when they feel overwhelmed.
17. Practice Low-Demand Days
Occasionally, have days with minimal expectations to help your child recharge and build resilience.
18. Encourage Self-Advocacy
Teach your child to express their needs and preferences in ways that reduce avoidance, such as saying, “I need a break.”
19. Use Positive Reinforcement
Celebrate accomplishments, no matter how small. Acknowledge effort with praise, stickers, or tokens.
20. Understand Triggers
Identify and minimize triggers that lead to demand avoidance, such as loud noises, transitions, or specific activities.
21. Use “First-Then” Language
Structure tasks using phrases like, "First, we’ll finish math homework, then we can play your favorite game."
22. Respect Autonomy
Whenever possible, allow your child to make decisions about how and when they complete tasks.
23. Be Patient
Demand Avoidance often reflects deeper anxiety or overwhelm. Show patience and understanding as your child works through these challenges.
24. Incorporate Movement Breaks
Physical activity can help regulate energy and emotions. Use short movement breaks to reset focus.
25. Seek Professional Support
If Demand Avoidance becomes particularly challenging, consult an occupational therapist, psychologist, or behavioral specialist for tailored strategies.
A Compassionate Approach to Demand Avoidance
Remember, Demand Avoidance in autistic children is not about disobedience but about managing underlying anxieties and sensitivities.
Approach your kid with understanding, creativity, and flexibility, and you can build a stronger connection and help them navigate everyday demands with greater ease.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
References
Happé, F., & Frith, U. (2020). Autism and anxiety: Overlapping conditions or specific risks? Current Opinion in Psychology, 32, 1–7. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2019.06.004
O’Nions, E., Viding, E., Floyd, C., Quinlan, E., & Happé, F. (2018). Dimensions of demand avoidance in autism spectrum disorder: The role of anxiety and sensory sensitivities. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 48(2), 1982–1992. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-017-3465-0
Stuart, L., Grahame, V., Honey, E., & Freeston, M. (2022). Pathological demand avoidance: Features and recognition in clinical practice. Child and Adolescent Mental Health, 27(3), 232–241. https://doi.org/10.1111/camh.12511
Wood, R., & Happé, F. (2021). “What do we mean by ‘pathological demand avoidance’?” Re-examining the concept of demand avoidance in autism. Autism, 25(6), 1590–1602. https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361321997972
This post is designed to give parents and caregivers practical tools for managing demand avoidance with warmth, compassion, and research-backed strategies.