The Transition to Parenthood: Marital Satisfaction and the Beautiful Chaos of Babyhood
Sunday, February 9, 2025. Revised and updated. Originally published November 14, 2017 on the CTI website. Despite what you might have read elsewhere, I wrote this when I was an owner and blog editor for Couples Therapy Inc..
For decades, the cultural expectation of new parenthood resembled a Hallmark fever dream—glowing parents, cooing babies, and uninterrupted bliss.
It took the field of psychology about fifty years to snap out of this delusion and realize that, for many couples, the transition to parenthood is about as blissful as assembling IKEA furniture in the dark while sleep-deprived.
In the 1950s and 1970s, researchers dared to suggest that new parenthood might not be a non-stop dopamine hit.
Their findings were met with skepticism because, horror of horrors, they found that many couples actually reported a decline in marital satisfaction (Twenge et al., 2003).
More recently, meta-analyses and longitudinal studies have confirmed what many sleep-deprived parents suspected: the transition to parenthood presents an existential challenge to marital satisfaction (Mitnick, Heyman, & Smith Slep, 2009; Lawrence et al., 2008; Nelson, Kushlev, & Lyubomirsky, 2014).
The Hard Science of Sleepless Nights
Fast-forward to the 21st century, and Esther Kluwer (2010) put the final nail in the coffin of the “baby makes us happier” myth.
Her research confirmed that marital satisfaction takes a hit during the transition to parenthood. However, modern couples seem to navigate this transition better than their predecessors—likely thanks to increased gender equity and, let’s be real, the miracle of meal delivery apps.
Additional research has found that individual and dyadic coping mechanisms are critical in mitigating stress and maintaining relationship satisfaction (Grote & Clark, 2001; Nomaguchi & Milkie, 2003; Saxbe, Rossin-Slater, & Goldenberg, 2018).
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
A meta-analysis of relationship research indicates that new mothers, in particular, feel the brunt of the transition (Doss et al., 2009).
The culprits? The ever-thrilling debates about division of labor, leisure time, and whether or not “Netflix and chill” now just means actually watching Netflix while holding a bottle of gripe water.
Mothers often experience a disproportionate burden of domestic labor, contributing to heightened stress and relational dissatisfaction (Fox, 2009; Craig & Mullan, 2010; Bianchi, Sayer, Milkie, & Robinson, 2012). The introduction of an infant into the family structure often reinforces traditional gender roles, despite prior egalitarian intentions (Deutsch, 1999; Parker & Wang, 2013).
From an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) perspective, this is the moment when attachment styles rear their heads like old, familiar ghosts. New moms often ask their partners, in words or sighs, “Can I count on you? Will you put our needs ahead of your fantasy football league?” (Kluwer, 2010).
If the answer is a noncommittal grunt, well, buckle up for the beginnings of a classic pursuer-distancer dynamic. Indeed, attachment security predicts greater marital stability during this transition, whereas Anxious or Avoidant Attachment Styles correlate with relational distress (Feeney, 2003; Simpson, Rholes, & Nelligan, 1992; Rholes et al., 2011).
Love in the Time of Sleep Deprivation: The Statistics
Here’s where it gets interesting: marital satisfaction declines for some, but not all.
According to Kluwer (2010), roughly half of expecting couples experience a dip in marital happiness. However, the other half seem to weather the storm just fine.
A select 19% even report an increase in marital satisfaction—these unicorns likely have full-time nannies or babies who, miraculously, sleep.
Of course, not all stories have happy endings. A notable 13% of couples experience a serious nosedive in satisfaction, and here’s the kicker: most of them were cohabitators rather than married couples.
Kluwer (2010) also found that an anxious attachment style correlates with lower satisfaction during this transition. In short, if your pre-baby relationship resembled a soap opera, adding a newborn to the mix is like throwing gasoline on an already smoldering emotional bonfire.
The Unholy Trinity of Relationship Stressors
Beyond attachment issues, Doss et al. (2009) identified several other stressors that make new parenthood feel less like a Pampers commercial and more like an unregulated psychological experiment:
Working overtime (Husband, wife, doesn’t matter—it’s bad for the relationship.)
Night shifts (Nothing like a 2 a.m. diaper change followed by an 8 a.m. work meeting.)
Job dissatisfaction (If you hate your job pre-baby, you’ll hate it exponentially more post-baby.)
Infant fussiness and sleep deprivation (Shocking, right?)
Baby’s gender (Yes, research suggests fathers tend to be more engaged when they have a son, which correlates with greater overall satisfaction—Doss et al., 2009; Saxbe et al., 2018).
Lack of extended family support (More family involvement predicts higher satisfaction, while isolation exacerbates stress—Nomaguchi & Milkie, 2003.)
The Gottman Factor: Fondness as a Lifeline
John Gottman (2000) found that one of the most crucial variables for marital satisfaction in new parenthood is whether fathers “turn toward” their partners in daily life. When a husband listens, engages, and generally acts like he’s still dating his wife (instead of just co-parenting), the wife is more likely to stay calm and satisfied.
Kluwer (2010) confirmed this, but with a slightly different approach.
She analyzed longitudinal data from 300 Dutch couples and found that frequent conflict during pregnancy predicts lower relationship quality postpartum. If you’re bickering over paint colors for the nursery, just wait until sleep deprivation turns you into a barely functioning human.
The Bottom Line: Parenthood Magnifies Preexisting Issues
The most striking conclusion from this research is that new parenthood doesn’t introduce new stressors—it amplifies existing ones.
If your relationship was fragile before baby, the transition will make it crystal clear. If you already struggled with unresolved conflicts, expect them to morph into full-blown existential crises by the third month of sleep deprivation.
But here’s the good news: early intervention works. Science-based premarital counseling and structured couples therapy can equip couples with the skills to navigate these choppy waters. Therapy, much like caffeine and a sturdy stroller, can be a lifesaver.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Bianchi, S. M., Sayer, L. C., Milkie, M. A., & Robinson, J. P. (2012). Housework: Who did, does, or will do it, and how much does it matter? Social Forces, 91(1), 55-63.
Chen, Eva & Tung, Eli & Enright, Robert. (2020). Pre-parenthood Sense of Self and the Adjustment to the Transition to Parenthood: Sense of self and the transition to parenthood. Journal of Marriage and Family. 83. 10.1111/jomf.12709.
Fentz, Hanne & Houmark, Mikkel & Simonsen, Marianne & Trillingsgaard, Tea. (2024). Ready for the Transition to Parenthood? Predicting Relationship Satisfaction Trajectories From Prenatal Indicators of Low Readiness. Journal of Family Psychology. 10.1037/fam0001277.
Kluwer, E. S. (2010). From partnership to parenthood: A review of marital change across the transition to parenthoodJournal of Family Theory & Review.
Nelson, S. K., Kushlev, K., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2014). The pains and pleasures of parenting: When, why, and how is parenthood associated with more or less well-being? Psychological Bulletin, 140(3), 846-895.
Parker, K., & Wang, W. (2013). Modern parenthood: Roles of moms and dads converge as they balance work and family. Pew Research Center.
Rholes, W. S., Simpson, J. A., & Friedman, M. (2011). Avoidant attachment and the experience of parenting. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(3), 275-285.
Saxbe, D., Rossin-Slater, M., & Goldenberg, J. (2018). Neuroendocrine and behavioral predictors of postnatal couple bonding. Hormones and Behavior, 106, 90-99.
Spargo, Emily & Woodin, Erica. (2024). Partner Empathy as a Buffer to Stress Across the Transition to Parenthood in Cross-Sex Couples. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice. 10.1037/cfp0000262.