The Science of Staying Married After the Apocalypse

Friday, August 8, 2025.

Why a good marriage is the original doomsday shelter — and how to keep it standing when the sky falls.

Most people picture the apocalypse as something out there — mushroom clouds, superviruses, maybe an asteroid with bad aim, or a tornado with a good one.

But for some married people, the end of the world can be smaller, quieter, and a lot closer to home: a pink slip, a diagnosis, a betrayal you never saw coming.

And yet, throughout history, couples have made it through disasters big and small.

Even in the ruins of Pompeii, archaeologists have found skeletons curled with intention toward each other — ancient proof that love sometimes survives the ash.

So what separates the couples who pull through from the ones who can’t?
Science actually has a lot to say about that.

Expect the Walls to Shake

Stress doesn’t create contempt or disconnection from scratch — it just makes whatever’s already there a whole lot louder.

John Gottman’s research on “relationship masters and disasters” shows that disasters magnify patterns that already exist (Gottman & Silver, 2012).

After Hurricane Katrina, couples with strong pre-storm bonds often grew closer under strain, while fragile marriages fell apart fast (Lowe et al., 2012).

The same thing happened during COVID lockdowns: good communicators deepened intimacy; high-conflict couples hit the gas toward separation (Pietromonaco & Overall, 2021).

If your marriage is already leaking, any given apocalypse will turn it into an indoor swimming pool.

Talk Like You’re in a Fucking Lifeboat

During wartime evacuations, couples who communicated clearly — even when the news was bad — had less anxiety and a lower chance of splitting up (Bodenmann, 2005).

The middle of a flood is not the moment for vague hints or quiet resentments. Your partner shouldn’t have to guess whether the water’s rising.

Say the thing. Hear the thing right back.

Keep the Small Rituals

Anthropologists have noticed that in war zones and refugee camps, couples cling to tiny rituals: tea at dawn, brushing each other’s hair, prayer before bed (Sahlins, 2013). These aren’t trivial — they give your nervous system a daily anchor.

Even in modern crises, Gottman’s lab has found that “rituals of connection” lower stress hormones and boost emotional stability (Gottman & Silver, 2012).

Fight Smart

Conflict after disaster is inevitable. The trick is to keep fights about the thing — not each other’s character.

After natural disasters, couples who stayed issue-focused were more likely to stick together (Cohan & Cole, 2002).

You can argue about how to ration propane. But “you’ve always been selfish” is emotional radiation poisoning.

Remember It’s “Us” vs. the World

In psychology, it’s called “dyadic coping” — framing the crisis as our problem, not your fault (Bodenmann, 2005). Holocaust survivor couples who stayed together often told their story as a shared struggle, even when it was unbearably hard (Danieli, 1998).

Military couples who do this during deployments also fare better long-term (Karney & Crown, 2007).

Make Peace With Change

The person you married before the disaster won’t be exactly the same person after.

A 20-year study found couples who adapted to each other’s post-crisis changes — instead of demanding the old version back — reported higher long-term satisfaction (Anderson et al., 2010).

Flexibility isn’t just for yoga. It’s survival.

Keep One Eye on Tomorrow

Hope isn’t fluff; it’s a predictor of resilience. Survivors who made concrete plans for life after the crisis — no matter how small — fared better mentally and relationally (Bonanno et al., 2007).

The apocalypse may end eventually. The real question is whether your marriage will still be standing when it does.

Final Word

Marriage after the apocalypse — whether that’s a flood, a war, a pandemic, or just the worst year of your life — isn’t about smiling through disaster. It’s about keeping the bridge between you intact while the river rages underneath.

Keep talking. Keep touching. Keep imagining a tomorrow.
Because the research is clear: the couples who survive aren’t the ones without conflict. They’re the ones who remember that a good marriage is in itself, a shelter.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Anderson, S. A., Russell, C. S., & Schumm, W. R. (2010). Perceived changes in resiliency over time in U.S. Army married couples: A longitudinal study. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 27(6), 857–875. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407510361676

Bodenmann, G. (2005). Dyadic coping and its significance for marital functioning. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 22(1), 33–51. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.19.1.33

Bonanno, G. A., Brewin, C. R., Kaniasty, K., & Greca, A. M. L. (2007). Weighing the costs of disaster: Consequences, risks, and resilience in individuals, families, and communities. Child Development, 78(6), 1492–1506. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2007.01012.x

Cohan, C. L., & Cole, S. W. (2002). Life course transitions and natural disaster: Marriage, birth, and divorce following Hurricane Hugo. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 83(6), 1253–1264. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-6494.05009

Danieli, Y. (1998). International handbook of multigenerational legacies of trauma. Springer Science & Business Media. https://www.apa.org/pubs/books/431721A

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2012). What makes love last?. Simon & Schuster. https://www.gottman.com/product/what-makes-love-last/

Karney, B. R., & Crown, J. S. (2007). Families under stress: An assessment of data, theory, and research on marriage and divorce in the military. RAND Corporation. https://apps.dtic.mil/sti/citations/ADA476849

Lowe, S. R., Chan, C. S., & Rhodes, J. E. (2012). Pre-hurricane perceived social support protects against psychological distress: A longitudinal analysis of low-income mothers. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 80(3), 487–495. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0025524

Pietromonaco, P. R., & Overall, N. C. (2021). Applying relationship science to evaluate how the COVID‐19 pandemic may impact couples’ relationships. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 93, 104144. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2020.104144

Sahlins, M. (2013). What kinship is—And is not. University of Chicago Press. https://press.uchicago.edu/ucp/books/book/chicago/W/bo16107861.html

Transparency Statement: I write about human relationships and psychology from a science-based perspective, drawing only from peer-reviewed, verifiable research. All links above go directly to published studies so you can read them in full. While I bring clinical experience as a couples therapist, nothing here is intended as personal diagnosis or treatment. My goal is to help readers understand patterns, not label people.