The Quiet Cure for Sexless Couples: Why Foreplay Starts at Breakfast

Monday, June 2, 2025.

It turns out, there is a cure for couples who’ve stopped having sex.

It’s not tantric yoga. It’s not couples’ retreats where you whisper affirmations at each other while covered in rose quartz. It’s not even a new mattress.

According to Professor Gurit Birnbaum—a psychologist at Reichman University in Tel Aviv who’s spent three decades studying sexual desire—your libido isn’t dead. It’s just... uninvited.

If your relationship feels like a long layover in Cleveland—safe, predictable, and sexually inert—Birnbaum has news: You can rebuild desire, but you’ll have to stop waiting for spontaneous combustion.

Because in long-term love, the spark doesn’t reignite itself.

You have to strike the match.

The Slow Death of Spontaneous Desire

Back when your relationship was still new, your partner’s voice alone may have triggered a small riot in your nervous system. That early-stage magnetism, Birnbaum says, isn’t magic—it’s biology. A cascade of neurochemicals—dopamine, oxytocin, and a splash of adrenaline—propelled those sweaty, exhilarating nights.

But biology has a kill switch. “Those intense feelings tend to fade within one to two and a half years,” says Birnbaum, referencing her longitudinal studies on sexual desire.

After that, your brain starts budgeting. The excitement gets demoted; routine and familiarity move in.

And for women especially, Birnbaum’s research shows, sexual attraction to their long-term partner can drop off faster than a Netflix subscription after a price hike.

Why Boredom is the Real Homewrecker

It’s not infidelity, or mismatched libidos, or the fact that one of you now wears socks to bed.

It’s boredom. And boredom, Birnbaum argues, is lethal to desire.

The couples who stop having sex aren’t necessarily fighting—they’re just no longer intrigued.

“Desire thrives on novelty,” she explains. But don’t worry—you don’t have to show up in costume or install a mirror on the ceiling.

Novelty doesn’t mean kink. It means newness—in the form of curiosity, unpredictability, and mutual discovery.

Foreplay Begins Outside the Bedroom

According to Birnbaum, the sexiest thing you can do for your partner might be... sharing a new experience.

“Go on dates. Have new conversations. See your partner in a different light,” she advises. That could mean taking a salsa class, volunteering together, or watching them make a fool of themselves at karaoke.

Even seeing your partner be good at something you’re not—fixing a sink, debating politics, helping your kid with algebra—can create a little arousal spark.

Why? Because it reminds you they are not just your co-parent or domestic colleague. They are a distinct person. And wanting someone requires that you still see them as slightly mysterious.

Keep Your Own Life (Yes, Really)

Here’s the paradox: If you want to stay hot for each other, don’t merge completely.

“Having your own friendships, hobbies, and personal goals creates separation,” Birnbaum says. That psychological space breeds attraction. It preserves the sense that your partner is still someone you’re trying to get, not just someone you already have.

Understand the Shift from Spontaneous to Responsive Desire

This might be the most important insight Birnbaum has to offer. Early in relationships, desire feels like a flood. But in long-term partnerships, it often shows up as a trickle.

“Later on, desire becomes responsive,” she explains. You may not feel turned on out of nowhere—but once you start engaging sexually or emotionally, desire can build. This doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re in a normal adult relationship.

And if you’re expecting the same fireworks from year one to magically return in year seven without effort? That’s like expecting to stay fluent in French without ever speaking it.

The Couples Who Last Know This Secret

Birnbaum’s research shows that couples who maintain a strong sexual connection over time aren’t relying on magic. They’re doing the work:

• They talk about sex.

• They initiate even when they’re unsure.

• They make time.

• They respond to each other’s bids for intimacy—not just physically, but emotionally.

And when one partner’s not in the mood? They don’t slam the door. They find other ways to be close—through touch, laughter, and presence.

So What’s the Fix?

Want to have sex tonight? Start one hour earlier. Not in bed. In the kitchen. Or while walking the dog. Or while texting a flirty emoji that suggests, yes, I still see you.

Birnbaum says it best: “People like to feel courted because it makes them feel wanted.”

That’s it. That’s the cure. Not candlelight. Not lingerie. Courtship. Thoughtful, playful, real-time interest in each other.

Final Thoughts: It’s Simpler Than You Think

We make sex complicated, Birnbaum insists, but it’s really about connection. Attention. Curiosity. And just enough mystery to keep the game going.

Long-term desire is not a fixed resource that gets used up. It’s a dynamic system—something you build, not something you wait for.

You want a better sex life with your partner?

Don’t look to porn or pheromones or performance hacks. Look at how you greet each other in the morning.

How you talk after dinner. Whether you still make each other feel like a possibility.

Because in the end, sex isn’t about technique. It’s about energy. And energy, in love, can always be renewed.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Birnbaum, G. E., Mikulincer, M., Szepsenwol, O., Shaver, P. R., & Mizrahi, M. (2016). When sex goes wrong: A behavioral systems perspective on individual differences in sexual functioning and satisfaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 111(4), 667–684. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000062

Birnbaum, G. E. (2018). The fragile spell of desire: A functional perspective on the interplay between relationship and sexual dynamics. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 22(2), 130–157. https://doi.org/10.1177/1088868317714801

Birnbaum, G. E., Reis, H. T., Mizrahi, M., Kanat-Maymon, Y., Sass, O., & Granovski-Milner, C. (2019). Intimately connected: The importance of presence in promoting partner responsiveness and sexual desire. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 116(6), 884–903. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000166

Levine, S. B. (2003). The nature of sexual desire: A clinician's perspective. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 32(3), 279–285. https://doi.org/10.1023/A:1023423814242

Regan, P. C. (2000). The role of sexual desire in intimate relationships. Routledge.