The Good Divorce Revisited: What Ahrons Got Right—And What Might Need Updating in 2025

Tuesday, August 5, 2025.

When Constance Ahrons published The Good Divorce in 1994, she gave the world something rare: a hopeful roadmap through one of life’s most painful transitions.

Divorce, she argued, didn’t have to ruin children—or define families by what was broken. With empathy and data, Ahrons introduced the idea of the binuclear family: two households, one family, still centered around the well-being of the children.

It was a revelation at the time.

But that was three decades ago.

And while her core insights remain solid, the terrain of divorce has shifted.

Technology, gender roles, mental health awareness, and economic realities have reshaped what a “good divorce” looks like today.

So, what still holds up? And what might require a serious reboot?

Tech-Savvy Co-Parenting: The Double-Edged Sword

In Ahrons’ era, co-parenting meant long phone calls and printed calendars.

Now, divorced parents use apps like OurFamilyWizard or Talking Parents to coordinate pickups, manage expenses, and document communication—sometimes under court order.

That’s a good thing, right?

Often, yes.

But digital parenting has also introduced new forms of coercive control. Text messages can be weaponized. Tracking apps can become surveillance tools. And public social media posts can stoke conflict or pull children into adult drama.

Research from Haddon et al. (2020) found that while technology helps reduce misunderstandings, it also expands the terrain for post-divorce hostility. The tools aren’t inherently good or bad—they just magnify the dynamic that already exists.

More Diverse Families, More Complex Coparenting

Ahrons focused on heterosexual, middle-class families because that was the landscape of divorce studies in the 1980s and ’90s. But the American family has since exploded in complexity.

Today we see:

• LGBTQ+ parents navigating post-Obergefell divorces

• Polyamorous households renegotiating parenting roles

• Cross-cultural and international families contending with competing legal systems

Newer research, like Goldberg & Allen (2023), shows that same-sex coparents face unique challenges, especially when the law doesn't reflect the realities of their parenting arrangements. In other words, the binuclear model—“Mom’s house, Dad’s house”—doesn’t always translate nowadays.

The Rise of Gray Divorce and Its Adult-Child Fallout

One of the biggest surprises in divorce trends?

The explosion of gray divorce—separation after age 50.

According to Brown & Lin (2012), the rate of divorce among older adults has doubled since 1990. This trend continues today, with major implications for adult children.

Ahrons later tackled this in We’re Still Family (2004), noting that adult children experience divorce not with stoic detachment, but with grief, disorientation, and sometimes resentment.

Recent research from Crowley et al. (2021) shows that these adult children often feel caught in caregiving dilemmas and estate-planning dramas—especially when stepparents enter the picture.

Mental Health Changed the Terms of Divorce

In 1994, mental health was often an afterthought in family court. Now it’s a central part of divorce planning—and rightly so.

We now know that high-conflict divorces can contribute to adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), with long-term impacts on physical and mental health. At the same time, many therapists and family courts are acknowledging what Ahrons didn’t fully confront: not all exes are safe to co-parent with.

The popular literature on this shift includes the work of Bill Eddy, who coined the term “high-conflict personality,” and Christine Cocchiola on coercive control in custody arrangements.

In these cases, the “good divorce” may not involve active cooperation—it may require strict boundaries, parallel parenting, and safety-first planning.

Divorce in the Age of Instagram and Digital Childhood

Ahrons emphasized that children should not be messengers, spies, or referees. That still holds true. But in today’s world, children aren’t just watching their parents—they’re curating their own public identities online.

Divorced parents may post emotional content that embarrasses or burdens their children. Teens may feel the need to perform emotional neutrality or pick a side in subtle digital ways. And the algorithmic comparison trap can make their family feel “less than” against idealized online images.

We’re only beginning to understand how social media shapes children’s post-divorce identities. What’s clear is that protecting emotional privacy now includes teaching kids how to navigate their parents' divorce in an always-online world.

Divorce Is More Expensive Than Ever

Ahrons’ model presumed that both parents would be able to set up two functioning homes. But in 2025, that’s a financial fantasy for many.

Housing shortages, wage stagnation, and student debt have made post-divorce nesting, roommate arrangements, or “economic cohabitation” increasingly more common.

In some cases, exes cohabitate under the same roof—not because it’s healthy, but because it’s the only affordable option.

A 2020 review by Smock & Schwartz highlights how economics now delay or complicate transitions, especially among working-class families.

So—Can There Still Be a Good Divorce?

Yes. But it may not look like the one Ahrons described way back in 1994.

A good divorce today doesn’t mean being best friends with your ex. It might mean:

• Focusing on child safety, not parental convenience.

• Being digitally literate and emotionally discreet.

• Recognizing asymmetry—one parent may carry more parenting weight, and that’s okay.

• Letting go of the ideal and working toward the functional.

In that sense, The Good Divorce still maintains its chewy moral center:

Families don’t end with divorce. They change. And with maturity, boundaries, and compassion, they might have a shot at evolving into something less painful and more real.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Ahrons, C. R. (1994). The Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Comes Apart. HarperCollins.

Ahrons, C. R. (2004). We’re Still Family: What Grown Children Have to Say About Their Parents’ Divorce. HarperCollins.

Brown, S. L., & Lin, I.-F. (2012). The Gray Divorce Revolution. Journals of Gerontology: Series B, 67(6), 731–741.

Crowley, J. E., Hayslip, B., & Foster, A. (2021). Adult Children’s Adjustment to Parental Gray Divorce. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 62(2), 91–108.

Goldberg, A. E., & Allen, K. R. (2023). LGBTQ Divorce and Parenting. Family Relations, 72(2), 299–312.

Haddon, L., Vincent, J., & Hood, M. (2020). Digitally Mediated Coparenting. Information, Communication & Society, 23(3), 411–428.

Smock, P. J., & Schwartz, C. R. (2020). The Demography of Families. Journal of Marriage and Family, 82(1), 9–34.