The Family as an Emotional Organism: Why Individual Change Requires Systemic Change
Wednesday, February 12, 2025.
We like to believe that change is individual—that if we just work on ourselves, develop better habits, or go to therapy, we can break old patterns and rewrite the script of our lives.
But real change rarely happens in isolation.
Families are not just a collection of individuals—they are an interconnected emotional organism.
This is one of the central ideas of Murray Bowen’s Family Systems Theory, a perspective that has reshaped how we understand relationships, personal growth, and even mental health.
Bowen was one of the first to articulate that what happens to one member of the family impacts the whole system, sometimes in ways that are subtle, sometimes in ways that are seismic.
And if you try to change yourself without understanding the system you’re part of, you may find yourself being pulled back into old patterns—sometimes by forces you don’t even recognize.
The real question is: How do you create personal transformation without being undone by the emotional forces that hold the system in place?
The Family as a Living Emotional System
Murray Bowen (1978) argued that families function like an emotional ecosystem, where each member is deeply intertwined with the others.
If one person is in distress, others will feel it—even if they don’t talk about it.
If one person starts to change, the entire system will adjust—sometimes by resisting that change.
If one person tries to exit a dysfunctional role, the system may unconsciously pull them back.
This idea builds on some of the most profound research in psychology and neurobiology:
Emotional Contagion – Emotions spread through social networks like a virus. Research by Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler (2009) found that happiness, depression, and even obesity can spread through three degrees of separation—meaning that how you feel is partially shaped by people you don’t even directly interact with.
The Nervous System as a Social System – Neuroscientist Stephen Porges (1995) introduced the Polyvagal Theory, which suggests that our nervous system is wired for co-regulation—we don’t just regulate our emotions internally; we sync with the people around us.
Intergenerational Trauma – Studies in epigenetics show that stress and trauma can be biologically transmitted from one generation to the next (Yehuda et al., 2016), reinforcing patterns that were never consciously chosen but are deeply embedded in the family’s emotional DNA.
This means that change doesn’t just happen inside an individual—it happens within a system that is actively responding to and shaping that individual.
And here’s the hard truth:
Families, like all systems, resist change.
Even when that change is for the better.
Why Families Resist Change—Even When It’s Good for Them
Imagine a woman, raised in a family where self-sacrifice is expected, where she was taught that her needs always come second.
Now imagine that, after years of personal growth and therapy, she begins to set boundaries. She says no to obligations that drain her. She prioritizes her own well-being.
How does her family respond?
Her mother may call her “selfish” or accuse her of “forgetting where she came from.”
Her siblings, used to her caretaking role, may be confused or resentful.
Even her partner may feel thrown off balance, because her emotional labor made his life easier.
This is what Bowen called homeostasis—the emotional equilibrium of a family system.
Even if that equilibrium is dysfunctional, painful, or toxic, it is still familiar.
And people will fight to maintain the familiar, even when it hurts them.
The Key Concepts of Family Systems Theory
Bowen identified several core principles that explain why families function like emotional organisms:
Differentiation of Self: Can You Be "You" Without Losing "Us"?
Differentiation is the ability to be emotionally independent while staying connected to the family system.
People with low differentiation:
Absorb the emotions of others like a sponge.
Feel guilt and anxiety when asserting their needs.
Struggle to set boundaries without feeling selfish.
People with high differentiation:
Can stay emotionally close to their family without being controlled by them.
Can make decisions based on their own needs, not just family expectations.
Can handle disapproval or guilt without being emotionally destabilized.
But here’s the challenge:
When one person begins to differentiate, the system pushes back.
A mother who has always put her children first starts focusing on her own needs, and suddenly, her family treats her like she’s abandoning them.
A young man, raised in a family where men don’t express emotions, starts therapy and begins to open up—only to be ridiculed by his brothers.
This is not accidental.
When one part of the system changes, the rest of the system will work—sometimes unconsciously—to pull it back into balance.
Emotional Triangles: The Invisible Conflicts That Keep Families Stuck
Bowen discovered that when tension builds between two people, a third person is often pulled in to absorb it.
This is called triangulation, and it explains why:
A mother and father in an unhappy marriage focus all their energy on their child’s behavior problems—instead of facing their own issues.
A sibling becomes the “scapegoat” for family dysfunction—carrying the emotions that others refuse to confront.
A divorced couple uses their child as a messenger, making them the emotional middleman.
Triangulation keeps families stuck in old patterns, because it avoids direct conflict while maintaining the emotional balance.
And when someone tries to step out of their role?
The scapegoat stops playing the problem child—and suddenly the parents turn on each other.
The parentified child stops caretaking—and the mother falls into depression.
The rebellious sibling moves away—and another child unconsciously steps into the same role.
This is how family systems maintain dysfunction, even across generations.
Why Individual Therapy Alone Isn’t Always Enough
Traditional therapy tends to focus on the individual:
Why do I feel anxious?
Why do I repeat these patterns?
How can I change?
But what if the source of your struggles isn’t just inside you, but in the system that shaped you?
This is why:
Many people experience huge breakthroughs in therapy—only to find that their family dynamic pulls them back into old patterns.
One person’s healing can sometimes trigger conflict—because it forces others to confront things they were avoiding.
Real, lasting change requires shifting the system—not just the individual.
This is why family therapy can be so powerful—it doesn’t just focus on the person sitting in the chair. It looks at the entire network of relationships, helping shift patterns at the systemic level.
How to Change the System Without Being Pulled Back In
Anticipate Resistance – Understand that pushback is normal. Resistance doesn’t mean you’re wrong—it means you’re disrupting the status quo.
Set Boundaries Without Apology – Be clear, firm, and compassionate—but don’t waver just because others are uncomfortable.
Find External Support – A therapist, a mentor, or close friends can help you stay anchored when your family tries to pull you back.
Hold Steady – If you maintain your changes long enough, the system will adjust.
Final Thoughts: Change Yourself, Change the System
Healing isn’t just personal—it’s relational.
When one person shifts, the whole system must adapt.
Your growth will challenge old dynamics.
But if you hold steady, if you commit to your own evolution, you don’t just change yourself—you change the emotional DNA of your entire family.
And that kind of transformation lasts for generations.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. Jason Aronson.
Christakis, N. A., & Fowler, J. H. (2009). Connected: The surprising power of our social networks. Little, Brown.
Porges, S. W. (1995). Polyvagal Theory and the neurobiology of social engagement.
Yehuda, R., et al. (2016). Intergenerational transmission of trauma effects. American Journal of Psychiatry.