The Compliment Starvation of Men: Why Praise Feels So Rare, and So Dangerous
Sunday, June 8, 2025
Here’s something quiet but true:
Most men are emotionally underfed.
Not because they don’t care. Not because they lack feeling.
But because praise—the kind that names a person’s goodness without condition—is rare.
Ask the average man when he last heard something like:
“You’re incredibly thoughtful.”
“Your presence makes people feel safe.”
“You have such a kind way of seeing the world.”
Many will say they can’t remember. Some will say never.
This isn’t accidental.
It’s social conditioning. It’s the machinations of American cultural machinery.
It’s a centuries-old masculinity template that treats praise as performance payment—not a basic human need.
I’ll explore how we got here, what it’s doing to men, and offer a few modest ideas on how we can repair the emotional ecosystem we’ve allowed collapse.
Where Are the Compliments?
Performance Praise vs. Person Praise
From a young age, boys are praised when they:
Win the game
Fix the tech
Make people laugh
Push through pain
Succeed
They’re rarely praised for:
Listening well
Being gentle
Showing restraint
Creating space for others
Having emotional courage
This early praise wiring becomes a script. It tells men:
“Your worth comes from what you do, not who you are.”
So when they're not performing, they go emotionally invisible.
Praise Feels Risky—For Everyone
For many men, giving praise is emotionally taboo. It feels:
Too vulnerable
Too awkward
Too unmanly
Too easily misinterpreted (especially across gender lines)
And receiving praise? Often worse.
If you're not used to it, praise can feel like being handed a fragile, expensive object and told, “Don’t break this.” So you deflect. You minimize. You joke. You say:
“It was nothing.”
“I got lucky.”
“You’re just being nice.”
What you're really saying is:
“This doesn’t fit the version of me I was allowed to become.”
The Consequences of Praise Starvation
Praise Feels Tied to Transaction
If you've only been praised after sex, achievement, or sacrifice, you start to believe:
“Affection must be earned, not offered.”
This creates:
Intimacy anxiety
Workaholism
Emotional exhaustion
Conditional self-worth
Praise becomes a currency—not a birthright.
Men Offer Love Through Protection, Not Praise
Many men want to show love. But instead of saying, “I see you,” they:
Offer solutions
Fix the problem
Share resources
Defend your reputation
These are noble. But without verbal affirmation, relationships get brittle. You can’t build soul-to-soul connection with tools alone.
The Unspoken Admiration Trap
Men are often deeply admiring of each other—but that admiration gets trapped behind sarcasm or silence. The most emotionally intimate thing many men say to their friends is:
“You're a piece of sh*t, but I love you.”
Which translates loosely to:
“I see your worth but don’t know how to say it without ruining the vibe.”
This trap is cultural. But it’s also optional.
How to Rebuild the Praise Pathway
🔹 If You Love a Man—Compliment Him
Right now. Today. No big speech needed. Just say one real thing you admire about his character, not his output.
Examples:
“The way you parent is calm and strong. I notice it.”
“You’re one of the most principled people I know.”
“You hold space in a way that makes people feel safe.”
Say it. Let it land. Don’t dilute it. You might be feeding someone who hasn’t eaten in years.
🔹 If You’re a Man—Give Praise to Other Men
Choose one guy. Tell him something specific and non-performance-based.
Examples:
“Your loyalty means more than I probably say.”
“You have a way of listening that makes people open up.”
“The way you show up for people is really rare.”
You don’t have to be poetic. You just have to be honest.
🔹 Create Compliment Culture in Male Friendships
Praise doesn’t have to be awkward if it’s normalized.
Try:
Birthday rituals: everyone says one genuine thing about the person.
Compliment check-ins during reunions or dinners.
“Props threads” in group chats.
Men need spaces where praise is expected—not just earned.
Teaching Boys to Receive Praise Without Shame
If we want to end this cycle, we start early. Here's how:
👦 Praise Their Effort, But Also Their Essence
Yes, tell them “Good job” when they try hard. But also say:
“You were so patient just now.”
“That was really generous of you.”
“You’re brave for sharing that.”
Praise teaches identity. Let their worth outgrow their wins.
👦 Don’t Let Them Deflect
When a boy dodges praise—“It was nothing,” “You’re just saying that”—gently hold your line.
Say instead:
“Nope, I meant that. Every word.”
“You don’t have to shrink from it.”
“Take the compliment. You earned it.”
They’re not being cocky. They’re testing whether it’s safe to be seen.
👦 Model Receiving Praise Yourself
If you shrug off compliments in front of your son, brother, or student, you're teaching him to do the same.
Instead try:
“Thank you, that means a lot to hear.”
“I’m trying to get better at taking that in.”
Normalize absorption without arrogance.
10 Compliments for Men That Aren’t About Achievement
Want to start changing the script? Try these:
“You’re the kind of person people trust instinctively.”
“You bring calm into chaotic situations.”
“You listen in a way that makes others feel heard.”
“There’s real wisdom in the way you think.”
“You show up, even when it’s inconvenient. That’s rare.”
“You’re the glue in your circles. People lean on you.”
“Your humor makes people feel included, not targeted.”
“You carry pain with strength, not bitterness.”
“Your kindness is quiet, but powerful.”
“The way you love people is a kind of leadership.”
None of these mention money. Or titles. Or muscle.
They speak to character, presence, and emotional courage.
Exactly the things men are often taught to hide.
Men Need to Hear It—Before It’s Too Late
Men aren’t starving for attention. They’re starving for recognition without transaction. For being told:
“You are already worthy. Even when you're not performing. Even when you're not fixing. Even when you're not strong.”
Praise is not pity. It's a rehumanizing act. It re-roots a man in the truth of who he already is—before the conditioning, the competition, the quiet.
So say the Damn thing.
Say it before the funeral.
Say it before the meltdown.
Say it before he forgets how to believe it’s even possible.
He might laugh. He might deflect. He might freeze.
But say it anyway.
You may have just fed someone who was starving on the inside—and didn’t know how to ask.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.
Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2015). 10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy. W.W. Norton & Company.
Pomerantz, E. M., & Ruble, D. N. (1998). The role of maternal control in the development of sex differences in child self-evaluative judgments. Child Development, 69(2), 458–478.
Real, T. (2002). I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression. Scribner.
Turkle, S. (2015). Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age. Penguin.