The Compliment Crisis: Why We’ve Forgotten How to Genuinely Praise Each Other
Sunday, June 8, 2025.
The Vanishing Compliment
You look amazing.
You’re such a good listener.
That idea you had? It stuck with me for days.
Now take a moment to remember the last time someone said that to you—unprompted, sincerely, without a performance agenda.
Hard to recall?
We are, as a culture, in the middle of a Compliment Crisis. Praise has become performative, awkward, ironic, or suspiciously entangled with flattery.
We issue "likes" but not warm language.
We compliment your post but not your soul. We’ve got a vocabulary for “slay queen” but not “you matter to me.”
This post explores how praise got weird, how its absence is harming our relationships and mental health, and how to reclaim the art of real compliments—even if it makes us feel weird at first.
Yikes! What Happened to Compliments?
We didn’t stop needing compliments. We just got bad at giving them.
The Sarcasm Shield
In many circles, especially among Millennials and Gen Z, compliments are offered with a side of sarcasm:
“Okay, overachiever.”
“Wow, someone’s feeling confident today.”
“That’s a flex, but okay.”
Underneath the tone? Admiration. But it’s encrypted.
Why? Because sincerity feels risky.
As psychologist Brené Brown (2012) notes, vulnerability is the birthplace of connection—but it’s also terrifying. A sincere compliment is a tiny moment of emotional nakedness. Sarcasm is a towel.
The Social Media Praise Economy
We’ve replaced real compliments with public praise tokens:
Heart reacts
Fire emojis
“You look incredible 😭🔥👑”
These are dopamine-rich but intimacy-poor. They're designed for broadcast, not bonding.
And like inflation, the more we hand out these tokens, the less they mean. As psychologist Sherry Turkle (2015) argues, we’ve become people who “perform connection but don’t practice it.”
The Compliment/Manipulation Confusion
In the age of soft sales, influencer marketing, and performative allyship, compliments have become suspect. Is this person:
Flirting?
Selling something?
Trying to get promoted?
Practicing toxic positivity?
Genuine praise now lives in the uncanny valley between manipulation and awkwardness. So many people default to silence, or worse—“humble violence” (thinly veiled critiques disguised as non-comments).
The Masculinity Praise Gap
Men, in particular, often face an acute compliment drought.
Research shows that boys receive fewer positive verbal affirmations than girls from a young age—particularly about their character, emotions, or creativity (Pomerantz & Ruble, 1998). Instead, they’re praised for achievements or performance.
As adults, many men only hear genuine compliments at weddings or funerals.
One Reddit thread put it succinctly:
“The last time someone told me I was one of the good guys was in 2014. I still think about it.”
Why Compliments Matter—Like, Neurochemically
Compliments aren’t just social lubrication. They’re also relational glue, neural nourishment, and identity mirrors.
🧠 Compliments Build Neural Pathways
Hearing sincere praise activates the ventral striatum, a region of the brain associated with reward, pleasure, and motivation (Izuma et al., 2008). In fact, studies show that the brain processes praise similarly to receiving money.
So yes, being told “you’re really thoughtful” can neurologically feel like getting paid—except instead of Venmo, it’s oxytocin.
❤️ Compliments Strengthen Attachment
In close relationships, compliments reinforce secure bonds. They function as micro-affirmations—small, positive signals that say:
“I see you. You’re valued. I still choose you.”
In couples therapy, affirming language is a predictor of long-term satisfaction (Gottman & Gottman, 2015). In friendships, it builds trust. In parent-child relationships, it literally wires the child’s sense of worth.
😶🌫️ Compliments Disarm Loneliness
Loneliness isn’t always caused by isolation—it’s often caused by feeling unseen in the company of others.
A genuine compliment interrupts that invisibility. Even a simple: “You always ask questions that make me think,” can break the spell of social disconnection.
Why We Struggle to Receive Praise
Even when praise is offered sincerely, many people reject it like a bad organ transplant.
Why?
Low Self-Worth Armor
If you believe you’re fundamentally unlovable, compliments feel false—or like setups for disappointment. They clash with your internal script.
So you deflect:
“This old thing?”
“I got lucky.”
“You’re just saying that.”
But what you're really saying is: That doesn’t match my inner narrative, so I can’t let it in.
Cultural Conditioning
Many cultures train us to be modest, self-effacing, or deferential. Praise is seen as arrogance bait.
Especially among women, minorities, and neurodivergent folks, “claiming” a compliment can feel like a social risk. You’re told to shrink yourself. Praise becomes dangerous.
Fear of Obligation
Accepting a compliment can feel like entering a transaction:
Now I have to compliment them.
Oh sh*t. Now I owe them emotional energy.
Now they expect something of me.
So we dodge it. But in doing so, we also dodge connection.
The Compliment Renaissance—How to Relearn the Art of Praise
Ready to bring compliments back from extinction? Good. It’s not that hard. But it is intentional.
🔹 Step 1: Get Specific
Don’t just say: “You’re great.”
Instead Say:
“I love how you stayed curious in that hard conversation.”
“You make people feel safe when they’re unsure.”
“Your presence made that meeting less soul-crushing.”
Specificity makes praise feel authentic
🔹 Step 2: Offer Praise When Nothing Is “Big”
Waiting for a milestone to affirm someone is like only watering plants after they bloom. People need warmth before they win.
Try:
“You’ve been really steady lately, and I notice.”
“You’re kind in ways most people overlook.”
“You didn’t say much, but I felt your support.”
🔹 Step 3: Use Compliments to Repair
After conflict, a compliment can reestablish connection without erasing accountability.
“I know we disagreed—but I still admire how much thought you put into it.”
“I love your fire, even when we don’t land in the same place.”
🔹 Step 4: Let Compliments Land
If someone praises you—pause.
Don’t deflect.
Don’t one-up.
Don’t dodge.
Try saying instead:
“Thank you. That means a lot.”
Even if your inner critic is throwing chairs.
Especially then.
🔹 Step 5: Make Complimenting a Ritual
Start a group chat where everyone drops one genuine compliment a week. Make “compliment check-ins” part of your romantic or family rhythm. Create birthday rituals that aren’t just roasts but real appreciation.
Praise shouldn’t be rare. It should be part of the infrastructure.
Praise Is Not a Luxury—It’s a Relationship Skill
We don’t need to flatter each other. We need to see each other.
In a culture saturated with irony, sarcasm, and spectacle, genuine compliments are subversive.
They're anti-numbness. They are small, radiant acts of humanity.
So today, try this: Think of someone. Think of one specific, kind, true thing about them. Say it out loud. Say it awkwardly, if you have to.
It may feel weird.
But it may also save a friendship, repair a marriage, or remind someone that they still matter.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead.Gotham Books.
Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2015). 10 principles for doing effective couples therapy. W.W. Norton & Company.
Izuma, K., Saito, D. N., & Sadato, N. (2008). Processing of social and monetary rewards in the human striatum. Neuron, 58(2), 284–294. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuron.2008.03.020
Pomerantz, E. M., & Ruble, D. N. (1998). The role of maternal control in the development of sex differences in child self-evaluative judgments. Child Development, 69(2), 458–478.
Turkle, S. (2015). Reclaiming conversation: The power of talk in a digital age. Penguin Books.