QUIZ: Are You Loving an Emotional Goldfish (or Are You the Goldfish)?

Wednesday, June 4, 2025.

Emotional Working Memory in Relationships

Does it feel like your partner can’t retain emotional information longer than a sitcom episode? Or maybe you're the one forgetting heartfelt conversations like expired coupons.

This quiz helps identify whether emotional working memory gaps are sabotaging your connection—and what you can actually do about it.

✅ Part 1: Do You Love an Emotional Goldfish?

Score 1 point for each YES

1. You’ve had the same emotional conversation more than three times.

2. Your partner agrees with your feelings—but forgets them within 48 hours.

3. You often say things like, “We literally talked about this.”

4. They forget emotional events but remember logistical ones (e.g., appointments, bills).

5. After a fight, they think things are “fine” while you’re still raw.

6. They repeat behaviors you’ve explicitly told them are hurtful.

7. They do well in therapy, but outside the session, nothing sticks.

8. You’ve been told, “I didn’t know that was important to you,” more than twice.

9. They say, “I thought we resolved that already” when you bring up recurring pain.

10. You sometimes wonder if you're crazy for needing to say things again.

0–2: Probably not a goldfish. Maybe a distracted dolphin.

3–5: Mild goldfish behavior. Occasional memory lapses may stem from stress or overwhelm.

6–8: Likely emotional goldfish syndrome. Consider reinforcing conversations with follow-ups.

9–10: Certified Emotional Goldfish. Do not flush. But do explore structural recall supports.

🌀 Part 2: Are You the Emotional Goldfish?

Score 1 point for each YES

1. You care deeply but forget what your partner told you days later.

2. You feel like you’re being nagged—but genuinely can’t remember previous talks.

3. You get overwhelmed during conflict and stop absorbing information.

4. You’re often confused why your partner is still upset about something you thought was resolved.

5. You dread emotional conversations because you know you won’t retain them.

6. You’ve asked your partner to repeat their feelings more than once.

7. You’ve used phrases like “Why are you bringing that up again?”

8. You forget how previous fights started—even if they were intense.

9. You feel frustrated with yourself for not remembering emotional details.

10. You sometimes think, “I wish they’d just write it down for me.”

0–2: You’re probably more like an elephant. Emotionally memorable and steady.

3–5: You may have mild memory lapses due to stress, neurodivergence, or fatigue.

6–8: You likely have trouble retaining emotional conversations. Not a flaw—just something to manage.

9–10: You’re the Goldfish. But there’s good news: your tank can be upgraded.

📋 What This Means (And What You Can Do)

Emotional working memory is real. And when it fails, it can look a lot like not caring—even if that’s far from the truth.

This quiz isn’t about blame. It’s about insight.

If you or your partner score high in goldfish traits, it means your relationship needs scaffolding for emotional memory:

• Written Summaries: After emotional conversations, jot down takeaways and share them.

• Calendar Check-ins: Schedule time to revisit emotional topics. Treat them like relationship maintenance.

• Reduce Conflict Flooding: Pause during fights when dysregulation sets in. Memory collapses when adrenaline spikes (Arnsten, 2009).

• Therapy That Integrates Memory: Gottman-based or somatic therapies help emotional moments stick.

• Accept Neurodiversity: Some people (especially with ADHD or PTSD) genuinely need alternative strategies. It's not a moral failing—it's neurology (McNally, 2006).

🧠 Final Words

Love is not just felt—it’s remembered. And when memory falters, love must be reconstructed, again and again.

That’s not weakness. That’s wisdom.

Even emotional goldfish can build deep, enduring relationships. They just need reminders, rituals, and a partner who knows when to feed the conversation flakes.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:
Arnsten, A. F. T. (2009). Stress signaling pathways that impair prefrontal cortex structure and function. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 10(6), 410–422. https://doi.org/10.1038/nrn2648

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1989). Marital interaction: Physiological linkage and affective exchange. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 56(4), 587–597. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.56.4.587

McNally, R. J. (2006). Cognitive abnormalities in post-traumatic stress disorder. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 10(7), 271–277. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2006.04.007