Pressure to Maintain a Certain Lifestyle: A Deep Dive into the Hidden Struggles of the Worried Well
Thursday, October 17, 2024.
The term worried well may evoke images of affluent families enjoying the fruits of their success yet struggling with a specific set of pressures that wealth can neither alleviate nor fully address.
Among these challenges, the pressure to maintain a certain lifestyle emerges as a pervasive issue that ripples through the fabric of family life, influencing everything from marital satisfaction to child development.
This pressure is not just about keeping up with peers or living in luxury; it’s tied deeply to social identity, emotional well-being, and the meaning folks and families ascribe to their lives.
Let’s unpack the social science research and theoretical perspectives that illuminate the complexities of this struggle, offering a more nuanced understanding of why even the financially secure can find themselves overwhelmed by the lifestyle they maintain.
The Social Roots of Lifestyle Pressure: Conspicuous Consumption and Social Identity
The pressure to maintain a high standard of living is closely intertwined with the concept of conspicuous consumption, as theorized by Thorstein Veblen (1899).
Veblen’s work in The Theory of the Leisure Class outlines how economic behavior is often driven by the desire to display wealth and status rather than meeting practical needs.
For many affluent families, this manifests in purchasing decisions that emphasize status markers—luxury vehicles, designer clothing, prestigious schools for their children—not necessarily because of intrinsic value, but because these choices signal social belonging and success.
Sociocultural Identity Theory, proposed by Tajfel and Turner (1979), further supports the idea that maintaining a lifestyle is tied to group identity.
This theory suggests that many folks derive a significant part of their self-concept from their membership in social groups.
For families belonging to higher socioeconomic classes, maintaining a lifestyle consistent with their peers becomes a way to preserve their identity and avoid the perceived shame of downward mobility.
It’s not merely about keeping up appearances; it’s about maintaining a sense of self that aligns with their social circle, which can create intense pressure to keep spending.
This pressure can become particularly acute in tight-knit affluent communities, where social circles are small and reputation matters.
Research by Christakis and Fowler (2007) on social networks shows that behaviors, including spending habits, can spread through social networks like a virus.
If neighbors or friends frequently upgrade their homes, take luxury vacations, or send their children to prestigious summer camps, the pressure to do the same can create a contagion effect, leading families to spend beyond their comfort zone.
Financial Insecurity Among the Wealthy: A Psychological Paradox
Paradoxically, many affluent families experience financial insecurity despite having substantial resources.
A study by Norton and Ariely (2011) found that Americans across income levels, including the wealthy, have a distorted perception of economic inequality and often feel less financially secure than they actually are.
This perception of insecurity can drive affluent families to continue amassing wealth and maintaining high standards of living out of fear of losing their place in the social hierarchy.
Further, Graham and Chattopadhyay (2013) highlight that high-income folks often have a greater sense of relative deprivation, where their feelings of well-being are negatively influenced by how they compare themselves to those even wealthier.
This comparison can drive behaviors that contribute to financial overextension—choosing private schools over public, renovating homes, or maintaining multiple residences—not out of need but as a reaction to perceived inadequacy.
Such psychological paradoxes are often addressed in therapy as families grapple with a cognitive dissonance between their actual wealth and their subjective experience of financial strain.
For example, the pressure to pay for exclusive educational experiences for their children or to keep up with luxury vacation habits can feel overwhelming, even as the family’s bank accounts suggest they are well-off.
Marital Conflict Over Money: When Spending Reflects Deeper Emotional Needs
One of the most significant consequences of the pressure to maintain a certain lifestyle is its impact on marital relationships. Research by Dew (2008) found that couples who experience financial disagreements are more likely to divorce than those who argue about other topics.
For affluent families, these financial disagreements can take on unique dimensions.
The conflict often centers around differing views on what constitutes necessary versus discretionary spending.
For instance, one partner may see a luxury vacation as a well-earned break that also maintains social connections, while the other perceives it as an unnecessary drain on savings.
Money, in this context, often becomes a proxy for deeper emotional needs.
It’s been my clinical experience that financial disagreements frequently mask underlying fears, such as fears of losing status, insecurity about future stability, or feelings of being devalued or unsupported by one’s partner.
Science-based couples therapy might help some couples untangle these underlying issues by shifting the conversation from the practicalities of spending to the deeper emotional meanings attached to money and status.
Moreover, Gottman’s (1994) research on the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in marital conflict suggests that contempt—a critical predictor of divorce—often emerges in discussions where one partner feels superior in their approach to managing finances.
If one partner sees themselves as more prudent or financially savvy, it can foster resentment in the other, leading to emotional distance and a breakdown in communication.
Children of Affluence: The Hidden Costs of Privilege
Another significant area where the pressure to maintain a certain lifestyle plays out is in parenting, particularly regarding the opportunities and experiences parents feel they must provide for their children.
Many affluent parents feel a strong sense of responsibility to ensure that their children have the best—the best education, extracurricular activities, and experiences. However, research suggests that this pressure can have unintended negative consequences on children’s mental health.
A seminal study by Luthar and Latendresse (2005) on adolescent vulnerability in affluent communities found that children from wealthy families often experience higher rates of anxiety, depression, and substance use compared to their peers from middle-income families.
The study highlights that the pressure to maintain high levels of achievement and meet parental expectations can create an environment where children feel they must constantly perform to be worthy of love and approval.
These pressures can manifest as a form of parentification, where children feel responsible for maintaining the family’s image or meeting unspoken expectations, leading to feelings of anxiety and perfectionism.
The work of Bowen Family Systems Theory (Bowen, 1978) suggests that such dynamics can create high levels of emotional fusion in families, where the child’s self-worth is tied closely to fulfilling the expectations of their parents.
In therapy, this dynamic often comes to light as parents recognize that their well-intentioned efforts to provide for their children may inadvertently create stress and pressure for them.
Good therapy can offer a space for parents to redefine success beyond material achievements, focusing instead on fostering resilience, emotional intelligence, and a sense of intrinsic worth in their children. I can help with that.
The Invisible Burden of Wealth Management: Emotional Labor and Decision Fatigue
Managing wealth, especially for families with significant assets, can be a source of stress that is often invisible to those outside the affluent world.
The process of managing investments, estate planning, and handling complex assets like businesses or multiple properties involves significant emotional labor.
According to Hochschild (1983), emotional labor is the process of managing emotions to fulfill the requirements of a role, and for many affluent families, the role of wealth manager falls heavily on one partner, often creating an imbalance.
Britt et al. (2013) explored the concept of financial decision fatigue, finding that the cognitive load of making numerous high-stakes financial decisions can contribute to stress and strain within families.
The partner handling finances may experience burnout, feeling overwhelmed by the constant need to make sound investment choices or manage family trusts.
Meanwhile, the partner who is less involved may feel disconnected or resentful about being excluded from these decisions, leading to a sense of imbalance and dissatisfaction in the relationship.
This imbalance can lead to a phenomenon known as financial infidelity, where one partner makes significant financial decisions without the other’s knowledge.
Klontz and Britt (2012) found that financial infidelity is a common issue among affluent couples, particularly when there is a lack of transparency or shared understanding about the family’s financial goals.
In therapy, couples can work to develop a more collaborative approach to managing their wealth, fostering open communication about financial decisions and addressing the underlying emotions that drive secrecy.
The Role of Social Media in Amplifying Lifestyle Pressures
In the digital age, the pressure to maintain a high standard of living is further amplified by social media.
Platforms like Instagram and Facebook serve as a stage for families to showcase their wealth through curated images of luxury vacations, renovated homes, and high-end lifestyles.
Research by Sherman et al. (2019) indicates that social media use is strongly correlated with increased feelings of inadequacy and envy, particularly among folks from higher-income backgrounds.
This constant exposure to others’ highlight reels can lead to what psychologists call upward social comparison, where folks compare themselves to those they perceive as better off, resulting in decreased self-esteem.
Vogel et al. (2014) found that these comparisons can create a cycle of dissatisfaction, where folks feel the need to project their own success and happiness to maintain their status within their social circles.
The pressure to keep up appearances can lead families to overspend on experiences that may look impressive online but offer little real satisfaction.
For example, families may prioritize expensive vacations not necessarily for the enjoyment they bring but for the validation they provide through likes and comments. In therapy, families often grapple with the realization that their efforts to maintain a certain image are more about external validation than internal satisfaction.
Therapy as a Pathway to Authentic Living
Therapy provides a unique opportunity for families struggling with the pressure to maintain a lifestyle to reassess their values and redefine their sources of fulfillment.
Approaches like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), developed by Hayes et al. (1999), focus on helping folks and families identify their core values and commit to behaviors that align with those values rather than societal expectations. I can help with that.
When we embrace a more values-driven approach, families might learn to prioritize what truly matters to them—whether that means scaling back on certain expenditures, changing career paths, or finding more meaningful ways to connect as a family.
Additionally, financial therapy, an emerging field that combines elements of psychotherapy with financial planning, can help couples navigate the emotional aspects of money.
Research by Archuleta et al. (2012) has shown that addressing the psychological aspects of financial behaviors can be key to resolving marital conflict and reducing stress related to financial decisions.
Beyond the Apperance of Wealth
For the worried well, the pressure to maintain a certain lifestyle is a multifaceted issue that touches on identity, relationships, and well-being.
It is not simply a matter of spending beyond one's means; it is about the social and psychological forces that make maintaining a certain image feel like a necessity rather than a choice.
Good family therapy addresses these underlying dynamics headon. Some families resort to therapy to break free from the treadmill of appearances, clarify enduring legacy values, and recover a more sustainable and fulfilling way to live.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Archuleta, K. L., Burr, E. A., Dale, A. K., Canale, A., & Danford, D. (2012). Financial planning and counseling scales. Journal of Financial Counseling and Planning, 23(1), 22-42.
Britt, S. L., et al. (2013). The stress of financial decision-making: Financial planners and investment strategy. Journal of Financial Planning, 26(4), 52-61.
Christakis, N. A., & Fowler, J. H. (2007). The spread of behavior in a large social network over 32 years. The New England Journal of Medicine, 357(4), 370-379.
Dew, J. (2008). Debt change and marital satisfaction change in recently married couples. Family Relations, 57(1), 60-71.
Gottman, J. M. (1994). What Predicts Divorce? The Relationship Between Marital Processes and Marital Outcomes. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Graham, C., & Chattopadhyay, S. (2013). Happiness and relative income: Evidence for Latin America. Journal of Public Economics, 95(7-8), 348-359.
Hochschild, A. R. (1983). The Managed Heart: Commercialization of Human Feeling. University of California Press.
Klontz, B. T., & Britt, S. L. (2012). Financial infidelity in couples. Journal of Financial Therapy, 3(1), 1-20.
Luthar, S. S., & Latendresse, S. J. (2005). Children of the affluent: Challenges to well-being. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 14(1), 49-53.
Norton, M. I., & Ariely, D. (2011). Building a better America—One wealth quintile at a time. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 6(1), 9-12.
Sherman, L. E., et al. (2019). Social media and well-being: Pitfalls, progress, and next steps. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 38(3), 227-253.
Tajfel, H., & Turner, J. C. (1979). An integrative theory of intergroup conflict. The Social Psychology of Intergroup Relations, 33(47).