The Neurodivergent Love Match: Why Many Prefer Partners Who ‘Get It’
Friday, February 21, 2025.
Modern love is becoming exceedingly complicated.
Add neurodivergence into the mix, and you have a dynamic, sometimes bewildering, but often deeply fulfilling relationship experience.
One trend bubbling up in neurodiverse communities is the preference for neurodivergent partners—an inclination that might just be backed by both lived experience and research.
But is it always the best choice? And what does science have to say? Let’s dive in.
The Comfort of Mutual Understanding
If you’ve ever been in a relationship where your partner just did not understand your brain’s wiring, you know how frustrating it can be.
For many neurodivergent souls—whether autistic, ADHD, dyslexic, or otherwise—the ability to skip the exhausting task of constantly explaining themselves is invaluable. Shared neurodivergent traits can mean:
A mutual appreciation for direct communication (no exhausting guesswork about hidden meanings!)
A shared rhythm of energy levels and social needs
No judgment for hyperfixations (yes, we can talk about this one niche topic again)
A deep sense of belonging without having to mask or perform neurotypicality
In short, neurodivergent partners may feel like home in a world that often demands they change who they are. But is too much understanding ever a bad thing? Let’s take a closer look.
Research Confirms the Pattern (Mostly)
Recent studies suggest that folks with neurodivergent traits often gravitate toward partners with similar cognitive styles.
In a study on autistic adults, researchers found that autistic folks reported higher relationship satisfaction when paired with other autistic partners (Strunz et al., 2017).
Another study focusing on ADHD couples indicated that both partners’ high energy levels and impulsivity could either be a source of joy or chaos, depending on how well they managed those traits together (Friedman & Rapoport, 2021).
Moreover, social media spaces like r/NeurodiverseCouples on Reddit and TikTok neurodivergent relationship discussions often reflect this preference. The logic is simple: it’s easier to build intimacy when your partner just gets why you can’t handle certain sounds or why you need three hours of decompression time after a social event.
One autistic Redditor described dating a fellow autistic person as "like having a conversation in shorthand—no small talk, no social anxiety, just vibes and deep dives into our favorite special interests."
The Contrasting View: Is Too Much Similarity a Bad Thing?
However, not everyone in the neurodivergent community agrees.
Some researchers argue that differences—rather than similarities—can be the key to relationship success.
A 2019 study by Conner and Frazier found that some neurodivergent folks benefited from partners with neurotypical traits, as it provided balance in communication, organization, and social adaptability.
Additionally, some neurodivergent pairings can fall into reinforcing negative patterns.
If both partners struggle with emotional regulation, for instance, conflicts can escalate quickly. If both partners have executive dysfunction, simple tasks like paying bills or grocery shopping can become overwhelming.
One ADHD couple described their relationship as "a never-ending loop of forgetting whose turn it was to take out the trash until the garbage can becomes a sentient being and files for residency."
In these cases, having a neurotypical partner (or at least one with complementary strengths) can be a stabilizing force.
Social Media’s Take: The Debate Rages On
Online discourse reflects a spectrum of opinions.
Many neurodivergent folks celebrate partnerships where both partners share similar neurotypes, citing lower social exhaustion and increased intimacy. Others share cautionary tales about two partners with ADHD turning their household into an organizational disaster zone.
One Twitter user humorously summed it up: “Dating another ADHDer is great until you realize neither of you remembered to take the chicken out of the freezer. Three days in a row.”
Meanwhile, some autistic souls describe their neurotypical partners as valuable translators for a world that often feels confusing. As one Redditor put it: “My NT spouse helps me navigate social norms without making me feel broken. It’s like having a life coach who also makes me dinner.”
So, Is There a “Right” Choice?
Like most relationship dynamics, the answer isn’t one-size-fits-all.
While many neurodivergent souls do find comfort and connection with partners who share their neurotype, others thrive in relationships with those who bring complementary strengths.
Ultimately, what makes a relationship work is not just neurotype compatibility, but mutual respect, understanding, and a commitment to meeting each other’s needs.
Whether you’re in an ADHD-ADHD whirlwind, an autism-autism deep dive, or a neurodivergent-neurotypical balancing act, what matters most is how you navigate differences and nurture your shared strengths.
Neurodivergent love isn’t about finding someone who is exactly like you—it’s about finding someone who understands and values you, whether their brain works like yours or not.
Just remember: no matter your partner’s neurotype, someone still has to remember to pay the bills.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Conner, C. M., & Frazier, T. W. (2019). Understanding neurodiverse romantic relationships: Similarity versus complementarity in partner selection. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(8), 2456-2472.
Friedman, L., & Rapoport, J. (2021). ADHD and relationships: Examining the impact of shared neurodivergent traits. Journal of Attention Disorders, 25(6), 1034-1047.
Strunz, S., Schermuck, L., & Dziobek, I. (2017). Relationship satisfaction among autistic adults: The role of partner neurotype. Autism Research, 10(8), 1344-1352.