Managing Demand Avoidance in Autistic Life Partners: Understanding and Overcoming Challenges Together

Monday, January 6, 2025.

Demand Avoidance, often seen in folks on the autism spectrum, can create challenges in romantic relationships, particularly when it is misunderstood or poorly managed.

Rooted in anxiety rather than defiance, this behavior reflects a deep need for autonomy, control, and emotional safety.

When misinterpreted, Demand Avoidance can lead to profound interpersonal misunderstandings, eroding trust and emotional intimacy between partners.

By exploring the root causes of demand avoidance and adopting research-backed strategies, couples can navigate these challenges with empathy, compassion, and mutual growth.

What Drives Demand Avoidance? Anxiety, Overwhelm, and Misunderstanding

Demand Avoidance is not about a lack of willingness or effort—it’s a reaction to heightened anxiety and sensory overwhelm.

Stuart Shanker’s work on stress regulation emphasizes that many autistic folks experience heightened stress in situations that feel coercive or unpredictable (Shanker, 2016).

Understanding this core anxiety is essential for interpreting the behavior with compassion rather than frustration.

Key Insight: The "Double Empathy Problem"

The Double Empathy Problem, described by Milton (2012), explains that autistic and neurotypical folks often perceive and interpret behaviors differently.

For the neurotypical partner, an avoided task may feel like rejection or defiance. For the autistic partner, the demand may feel overwhelming, triggering a fight-or-flight response.

The Emotional Impact of Demand Avoidance in Relationships

When Demand Avoidance is misunderstood, it can create a cycle of escalating frustration and withdrawal:

For the Neurotypical Partner:

• Feelings of Rejection: Tasks left undone or requests unmet may feel like a lack of care or effort.

• Burnout: Constantly compensating for avoided responsibilities can lead to emotional exhaustion and resentment.

For the Autistic Partner:

• Shame and Guilt: Aware of their partner’s frustrations, they may feel deeply inadequate or judged.

• Increased Anxiety: Misunderstandings amplify their anxiety, perpetuating the avoidance behavior.

Interpersonal Consequences:

• Power Struggles: Misaligned expectations can lead to a tug-of-war over control, with both partners feeling increasingly disconnected.

• Emotional Withdrawal: Resentment and guilt can cause both partners to retreat into themselves, eroding intimacy and trust.

Strategies to Mitigate Demand Avoidance

The key to managing Demand Avoidance lies in fostering mutual understanding and adopting collaborative approaches that honor both partners’ needs. Below are research-backed strategies to break the cycle of misunderstanding and build a stronger partnership.

Validate Both Perspectives

Acknowledge and normalize each partner’s experience. Validation creates a foundation for open communication and mutual empathy.

• For the Autistic Partner: Normalize their anxiety and sensory needs without judgment.

• For the Neurotypical Partner: Recognize their frustration and the impact of unmet expectations.

Example:

• Neurotypical Partner: “I can see this feels overwhelming for you. Let’s figure out how we can approach it together.”

• Autistic Partner: “I know this is important to you. I just need time to think about how to make it work.”

Offer Choices and Autonomy

Providing options helps reduce the sense of coercion, empowering the autistic partner to engage on their terms.

• Example: Instead of saying, “You need to clean the kitchen,” try, “Would you like to handle the dishes or the counters? Let’s pick together.”

This approach respects their need for control while ensuring shared responsibilities are addressed.

Frame Requests as Collaborative Opportunities

Reframe demands as opportunities for teamwork. Ross Greene’s Collaborative & Proactive Solutions model highlights the power of working together to solve problems (Greene, 2016).

• Example: Instead of, “Can you handle this?” say, “Let’s tackle this together—it’ll be faster and more fun.”

Build Predictable Routines

Predictability reduces the anxiety that triggers demand avoidance. Structured routines offer clarity and a sense of safety.

• Actionable Tip: Create a visual schedule or use apps to track shared tasks. This eliminates the need for repeated verbal reminders, which can feel overwhelming.

Practice Emotional Regulation Together

Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory emphasizes the importance of co-regulation—calming each other through shared emotional safety (Porges, 2011).

• Actionable Tip: Engage in grounding activities, such as deep breathing or taking a walk together, before revisiting challenging topics.

Respect Sensory Needs

Sensory overwhelm often contributes to Demand Avoidance. Addressing sensory triggers can significantly reduce resistance.

• Example: If loud noises or bright lights exacerbate stress, offer accommodations like noise-canceling headphones or a quieter workspace.

Use Visual and Non-Verbal Communication

Visual aids provide clarity without verbal pressure. Tools like checklists or sticky notes can help communicate expectations in a low-stress way.

Prioritize Emotional Safety Over Task Completion

Creating emotional safety is more important than checking items off a to-do list. Focus on maintaining a calm and supportive environment.

• Example: If a task sparks tension, take a break and revisit it later with fresh energy and a collaborative mindset.

Celebrate Strengths and Contributions

Reinforce positive behavior and build goodwill by celebrating small victories. Gottman’s research emphasizes the importance of recognizing and appreciating contributions to maintain a positive relationship dynamic (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

• Example: “I noticed you handled the laundry today—it made a big difference. Thank you!”

Transforming Misunderstandings Into Growth Opportunities

When poorly managed, Demand Avoidance can create cycles of frustration, resentment, and emotional withdrawal.

However, when we shift our focus to managing the underlying anxiety and adopting collaborative strategies, couples can transform these challenges into opportunities for deeper connection.

At its core, mitigating demand avoidance requires empathy, communication, and a willingness to adapt.

Good, science-based couples therapy can help create a relationship rooted in mutual respect and emotional safety, where both partners feel understood, valued, and supported.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Brown, T. J., & Samuel, M. E. (2021). Alexithymia in autism spectrum disorder: Its role in interpersonal misunderstandings. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 51(4), 1423–1434.

Greene, R. W. (2016). Raising Human Beings: Creating a Collaborative Partnership with Your Child. Scribner.

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony.

Milton, D. E. (2012). On the ontological status of autism: The 'double empathy problem'. Disability & Society, 27(6), 883-887.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

Shanker, S. (2016). Self-Reg: How to Help Your Child (and You) Break the Stress Cycle and Successfully Engage with Life. Penguin Canada.