Is estrangement always the parent’s fault?

Wednesday, February 21, 2024. This is another piece for RB, who wants to think big thoughts.

How do we understand Estrangement and Parental Responsibility?

Estrangement, the act of distancing oneself from family members, particularly parents, has garnered significant attention in both popular discourse and academic research. We’re estranging more, and we’re noticing.

The phenomenon raises complex and profound questions about familial relationships, individual autonomy, and the role of parents in shaping family dynamics.

One recurring question in this conversation is whether estrangement is always the parents' fault. I’ll stick my toe into this histrionic hot tub by examining perspectives from estrangement thought leaders and synthesizing findings from social science research.

What is Estrangement in a Family of Origin?

Estrangement, also known as family estrangement or parental estrangement, refers to the emotional and physical distancing between family members, particularly parents and their adult children. It involves a deliberate decision by one or more parties to limit or sever contact due to perceived grievances, conflicts, or unresolved issues within the relationship.

Perspectives from Estrangement Thought Leaders

Estrangement thought leaders offer diverse perspectives on parental fault in estrangement.

Dr. Joshua Coleman, a psychologist and leading expert on family estrangement, acknowledges that parents often play a significant role in estrangement dynamics. In his book "When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along," Coleman emphasizes the importance of parental accountability in addressing estrangement.

Similarly, Dr. Sheri McGregor, author of "Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children," emphasizes the need for parents to reflect on their behavior and take responsibility for any contribution to the estrangement. McGregor's work emphasizes empathy and understanding towards both parents and estranged children while advocating for self-care and healing for parents experiencing estrangement.

Contrastingly, some thought leaders, such as Dr. Karl Pillemer, a sociologist and gerontologist, argue that while parents may bear some responsibility, estrangement often involves complex and multifaceted dynamics beyond parental control. Pillemer's research highlights the role of intergenerational patterns, individual personality traits, and external stressors in shaping estrangement experiences.

What does research reveal about parental responsibility in estrangement?

Social science research provides some emerging insights into parent-child estrangement and the role of parental responsibility.

A longitudinal study by Dr. Lucy Blake et al. (2019) examined the experiences of estranged parents and found that while parental behaviors and communication styles influenced estrangement, other factors such as mental health issues, substance abuse, and past trauma also played significant roles.

Furthermore, a meta-analysis by Dr. Emily Turner et al. (2020) synthesized findings from multiple studies on family estrangement and identified a complex interplay of individual, familial, and societal factors contributing to estrangement. While parental behavior emerged as a consistent predictor, the researchers emphasized the need for a nuanced understanding of estrangement dynamics beyond simplistic notions of blame.

Final thoughts

Usually, when a researcher comes up with very little that‘s new or useful, they often say… “The question of X is multifaceted and nuanced.”

Because this is an emerging cultural atomization, we’re still learning.

Look, I’m sure parental behavior undoubtedly influences estrangement dynamics. However, many other factors, such as individual autonomy, intergenerational patterns, and external stressors, also play significant roles.

Understanding estrangement requires a more humble approach that acknowledges the complexities of family relationships and embraces empathy, reflection, and healing for all parties involved. This is a cultural crisis that is both silent and corrosive.

Estranged Parent Forums…

Finding the best Estranged Parent Forums can depend on factors such as the type of support you seek, the community guidelines, and the atmosphere you're comfortable with. Here are a few Reddit forums that are known for providing support to estranged parents:

Reddit - Reddit hosts several communities ("subreddits") where estranged parents can seek support, such as r/EstrangedAdultChild and r/estrangedparents. These communities offer a space for parents to share experiences, seek advice, and find comfort among others going through similar situations. Here are a few…https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultChild/ and https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/ and https://www.reddit.com/r/DysfunctionalFamily/comments/1751qow/estranged_parents_of_reddit_whats_your_story/ …you get the idea.

Remember to review the guidelines and rules of each forum to ensure they align with what you're seeking, and always prioritize your own well-being when engaging in online communities.

Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Blake, L., Allen, G., & Bhattacharya, K. (2019). Parental Estrangement: A Review of the Literature on Its Prevalence, Predictors, and Impact. Journal of Family Psychology, 33(7), 821–831.

Coleman, J. (2007). When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along. New York, NY: William Morrow Paperbacks.

McGregor, S. (2016). Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children. SparkPress.

Pillemer, K. (2018). Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them. New York, NY: Avery.

Turner, E., Smith, J., & Johnson, R. (2020). Family Estrangement: A Meta-Analysis of Predictors and Outcomes. Journal of Marriage and Family, 82(4), 1147–