How to Protect Yourself in Couples Therapy with a Narcissist: 7 Strategies for Survival and Sanity

Tuesday, October 22, 2024.

Navigating the minefield of couples therapy with a Narcissist can be a profoundly difficult undertaking.

Couples therapy is a space meant to heal rifts and improve connection, but when one partner is too far into the narcissistic spectrum, the dynamic shifts darkly.

Rather than fostering open communication, it can become a battleground.

Narcissists are skilled at manipulation, gaslighting, and shifting blame, which can turn therapy sessions into frustrating exercises for the other partner.

How can you protect yourself, maintain your sense of reality, and find the strength to navigate this complex terrain?

This post discusses the strategies you’ll need, backed by social science research and insights from leading experts in narcissism. Let’s arm you with some knowledge to keep your balance when the emotional stakes are high.

Understanding the Narcissist in Therapy: Why It’s Not a Level Playing Field

Narcissists often thrive on control and a sense of superiority, which can manifest as a desire to dominate therapy sessions. According to Dr. Craig Malkin, author of Rethinking Narcissism, narcissists “may try to use the therapy setting to bolster their sense of grandiosity or portray themselves as the misunderstood victim.” This can distort the purpose of therapy, making it challenging to address real issues. Research shows that narcissists have a hard time accepting blame, which is critical for successful conflict resolution in couples therapy (Bushman & Baumeister, 2002).

Triangulation: A Tool for Control

One common tactic used by narcissists is triangulation—bringing in third parties like children, family members, or even the therapist to validate their perspective. This creates a web of alliances that can make you feel isolated and wrong.

Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a leading expert on narcissistic personality disorder, notes, “Triangulation can turn therapy into a stage where the narcissist performs, gaining the therapist's sympathy while undermining their partner's credibility.” This strategy can make you feel like you’re battling not just your partner, but also the people around them.

Set Clear Boundaries with the Therapist

When dealing with a narcissist in therapy, it’s crucial to set clear boundaries from the start.

Before entering therapy, communicate to the therapist that your partner may use manipulative tactics like gaslighting or stonewalling.

Highlight your concerns about the focus potentially shifting away from the core issues.

This will ensure that the therapist is aware of the dynamics at play and can steer sessions back to productive territory. Boundaries will help prevent the session from becoming an opportunity for your partner to twist the narrative.

Here is some bad news. A good therapist knows a narcissist might also say exactly what you’re saying. Then it becomes a matter of detection. Unfortunately most narcissist defeat most therapists most of the time.

Document Everything—Including Financial Discrepancies

Financial infidelity is a common tool of manipulation in relationships with a narcissist.

A study by Jeffrey Dew (2008) in Family Relations highlights that financial secrets can undermine trust and stability in relationships, often serving as a source of control. Narcissists may hide money, make large purchases without discussing it, or sabotage joint financial goals.

Keep detailed records of finances, including shared expenses and any unexpected withdrawals or purchases. This documentation can be critical if finances become a focal point in therapy or if the relationship progresses toward separation.

Resist the Blame Game—Don’t Take the Bait

Narcissists are adept at shifting blame and turning the tables.

When they feel cornered, they may resort to character assassination or dredging up past mistakes to put you on the defensive.

As Dr. Karyl McBride, author of Will I Ever Be Free of You?, advises, “Remember, you don't have to accept every invitation to an argument.” Maintain focus on your own feelings and experiences rather than getting drawn into debates. Practice using phrases like, “I hear your perspective, but this is about how I feel.” This helps keep the focus on your experiences without falling into the trap of endless defense.

Know the Role of “Flying Monkeys” in Narcissistic Abuse

In the world of narcissistic abuse, “flying monkeys” are the folks the narcissist recruits to advocate for them or criticize you.

These can be family members, mutual friends, or even the therapist if the narcissist has successfully swayed them.

Flying monkeys are often unwitting participants who have been manipulated into taking the narcissist's side.

Dr. Ramani Durvasula emphasizes that “understanding this dynamic is essential to maintaining your sense of reality and not internalizing their criticism.” If you notice this happening, it’s important to address it directly in therapy. Bring up how the involvement of third parties affects the dynamics of the relationship.

Maintain an Outside Support System—Your Sanity Shield

It’s easy to become isolated in a relationship with a narcissist, especially if they have manipulated those around you. To counter this, maintain a strong support network outside of therapy.

A study by Holt-Lunstad et al. (2015) underscores the importance of social support in mitigating stress.

Connect with friends, family, or even support groups that understand narcissistic dynamics. Their perspective can help you see the bigger picture when therapy sessions become confusing or overwhelming. A good friend can remind you that you’re not “crazy” for feeling the way you do.

Watch for “Switching” Behavior—When the Narcissist Turns on the Charm

Narcissists often have a “switching” behavior where they oscillate between being charming and being cold or aggressive.

In therapy, they may suddenly appear contrite, empathetic, and willing to change—only to revert to their old behavior outside the sessions.

This “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” act is a hallmark of their need to control the narrative.

As Dr. Les Carter, a clinical psychologist specializing in narcissistic abuse recovery, puts it, “It’s their way of keeping you on your toes, uncertain of which version you’re dealing with.” Recognize this for what it is—a manipulation tactic—and avoid letting these fleeting moments of charm dictate your decisions.

Consider Individual Therapy for Yourself

If the couples therapy environment becomes too toxic (and often it will), it might be time to pivot to individual therapy for your own healing and self-protection. Couples therapy with a narcissist is often a profoundly difficult undertaking.

But a skilled individual therapist can help you process the trauma of being in a relationship with a narcissist, as well as equip you with strategies to communicate more effectively.

Individual therapy can also provide a space where you’re not second-guessed, where your reality is affirmed, and where you can develop a game plan for managing the challenges that come with being partnered with a narcissist.

Surviving Therapy, Surviving the Relationship

Couples therapy with a narcissist can feel like a high-wire act—one misstep and the balance can shift entirely in their favor. That’s why vetting the therapist is so profoundly important.

But a competent therapist will present the right strategies, so you can protect your well-being, maintain your perspective, and even reclaim your voice in the relationship, or end it.

Remember, you are not alone, and there is support available, both in and outside the therapy room. Equip yourself with knowledge, seek allies who understand your struggles, and prioritize your own emotional health.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Bushman, B. J., & Baumeister, R. F. (2002). Narcissism and aggression: When self-love becomes dangerous. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 77(3), 452-465.

Dew, J. (2008). The association between consumer debt and the likelihood of divorce. Family Relations, 57(5), 589-600.

Durvasula, R. (2019). Should I Stay or Should I Go? Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist. Post Hill Press.

Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., Baker, M., Harris, T., & Stephenson, D. (2015). Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality: A meta-analytic review. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 10(2), 227-237.

Malkin, C. (2015). Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—and Surprising Good—About Feeling Special. Harper Wave.

McBride, K. (2013). Will I Ever Be Free of You? How to Navigate a High-Conflict Divorce from a Narcissist and Heal Your Family. Atria Books.

Carter, L. (2020). When Pleasing You Is Killing Me: Setting Boundaries with the Narcissist. Thomas Nelson.