How to Be a Better Parent: The (Mostly) Serious Guide to Raising Happy Humans
Thursday, August 15, 2024.
Parenting: the ultimate crash course in patience, creativity, and learning to appreciate the art of hiding in the bathroom for five minutes of peace.
We all want to be better parents, but let’s face it, the job doesn't come with a manual—unless you count that one parenting book you skimmed at 2 AM while the baby was teething.
Fortunately, social science research offers some pretty solid advice that can help you upgrade your parenting game.
As a marriage and family therapist who’s heard it all (yes, even the toddler tantrum over the wrong color cup), I’m here to share some evidence-based strategies to help you be the best parent you can be.
So, grab a coffee (or a stiff drink—we don’t judge), and let’s dive in.
Practice Positive Reinforcement (a.k.a. Bribe Them for Good Behavior)
Positive reinforcement is a fancy way of saying, "bribe them with praise, stickers, or the occasional cookie." Research shows that rewarding good behavior works way better than playing the bad cop all the time.
B.F. Skinner (1938), the godfather of behaviorism, proved that positive reinforcement is more effective than punishment for getting your kid to do what you want.
It’s like the difference between saying, “Great job sharing your toys!” and “Share your toys, or no screen time!” The first one’s more likely to get results without the drama.
The next time your kid does something awesome, skip the generic “Good job” and go for something specific, like, “Wow, you really nailed it when you shared your toys today!” Trust me, it works better than threatening to take away their tablet.
Establish Consistent Routines (Because Chaos Is Only Fun in Movies)
Kids are creatures of habit.
They may act like they’re all about living in the moment, but deep down, they crave consistency. Research by Fiese et al. (2002) found that consistent family routines are like the secret sauce to better social and emotional well-being. It’s like how we adults need our morning coffee routine (or else we turn into gremlins)—kids need their routines too.
Set a daily routine that even your most creative excuses can’t shake. Breakfast, playtime, homework, and bedtime should happen like clockwork.
This way, your kids will know what’s coming next, and you’ll avoid those last-minute “but I’m not sleepy!” standoffs.
Encourage Open Communication (Yes, Even When It’s About Boogers)
Open communication with your child is key to building a solid relationship, even if half of their conversation topics revolve around bodily functions.
According to Baumrind (1971), parents who are warm and communicative raise kids who do better in life, both socially and academically. So, yes, listening to their detailed account of how they found that weird bug outside might actually be good for them.
Set aside time each day to ask your child about their day. Instead of the usual “How was school?” try something open-ended like, “What was the most fun thing you did today?” And if they start talking about something gross, just roll with it. It’s all part of the job.
Model Emotional Regulation (Or, How Not to Freak Out When They Break Your Favorite Vase)
Your kids are like tiny emotional sponges, soaking up how you handle stress, joy, and the occasional meltdown over spilled milk.
Research by Morris et al. (2007) shows that kids who see their parents managing emotions calmly are more likely to handle their own big feelings like pros. So, next time you’re about to lose it, remember you’re on stage, and your kid’s taking notes.
When you’re about to blow your top, take a deep breath, count to ten, or do whatever you need to stay cool. Then explain to your kid that you’re taking a moment to calm down because grown-ups need time-outs too. It’s okay—they’ll probably respect you more for it.
Promote a Growth Mindset (And Embrace the Power of “Yet”)
The growth mindset is like the superhero cape your child needs to tackle life’s challenges.
Carol Dweck (2006) discovered that when kids believe they can improve with effort, they’re more likely to push through difficulties rather than give up. It’s the difference between saying, “I can’t do this,” and “I can’t do this… yet.”
Encourage your child to see challenges as opportunities to grow. Instead of saying, “You’re so smart,” go with, “You worked really hard on that, and it paid off!” And if they fail, remind them that it’s not the end of the world—it’s just another step on the path to becoming a more resilient adult with main character energy.
Foster Independence with Support (But Maybe Hide the Super Glue)
There’s nothing quite like watching your child try to do something on their own.
Sometimes it’s heartwarming, and other times it’s a little terrifying (like when they decide to “fix” something with super glue). But letting them try things on their own is essential for building independence. Grolnick and Ryan (1989) found that kids whose parents support their autonomy are more motivated and self-regulated.
Give your child age-appropriate tasks to tackle solo, like setting the table or dressing themselves (just don’t be surprised if their outfit choices are a little… creative). Offer help if they really need it, but try to let them figure things out first—it’s how they learn.
Invest in Quality Time (Even If It’s Just Five Minutes Between Meetings)
Quality time with your child doesn’t have to mean a whole day at the zoo—sometimes, it’s just about being present for a few minutes.
Research by Amato and Gilbreth (1999) shows that kids who spend quality time with their parents are more likely to develop better social skills and do well in school. So, yes, those five minutes of undivided attention really do count.
Dedicate a few minutes each day to really connect with your child, whether it’s reading a bedtime story or just chatting about their favorite game. The key is to be fully present (yes, that means putting the phone down).
Encourage Social Connections (Because Imaginary Friends Can Only Do So Much)
While it’s cute that your child has an imaginary friend, real-life friendships are where the magic happens.
Hartup (1996) found that friendships are crucial for developing social skills, empathy, and cooperation. So, encouraging your child to form bonds with other kids is one of the best things you can do for their social development.
Set up playdates, encourage participation in group activities, and help your child navigate the ups and downs of friendships. Sure, there might be the occasional squabble, but it’s all part of learning how to be a good friend.
Support Academic and Extracurricular Interests (Even If You Have No Idea What Fortnite Is)
Supporting your child’s interests—whether it’s mastering the violin or becoming the world’s best Fortnite player—helps them discover their passions and build confidence. According to Fredricks and Eccles (2006), kids who engage in extracurricular activities tend to do better academically and feel better about themselves.
Show up for their events, help with school projects, and ask them about their hobbies, even if you have no clue what they’re talking about. Your interest shows them that their passions matter.
Maintain a Healthy Work-Life Balance (Or at Least Try Not to Answer Emails During Dinner)
We all know the struggle of juggling work and family, but striking a balance is crucial for being a present and engaged parent. Bianchi and Milkie (2010) highlight that parents who manage to balance work and family responsibilities are more likely to be attentive to their kids. It’s also a good way to show your kids that life isn’t all about work (and maybe you’ll get to relax a bit too).
Set clear boundaries between work and family time. Turn off your work notifications during dinner, and make a point to disconnect when you’re with your kids. They’ll notice, and you’ll feel more present in the moment.
Final thoughts
Let’s be real: there’s no such thing as a perfect parent.
But with a little help from social science and a whole lot of love, you can be a pretty great one.
By practicing positive reinforcement, establishing consistent routines, encouraging open communication, and modeling emotional regulation (among other things), you’ll create a nurturing environment where your child can thrive.
And remember, the best thing you can do as a parent is to show your kid that they’re loved—even if they refuse to eat their veggies.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Amato, P. R., & Gilbreth, J. G. (1999). Nonresident fathers and children's well-being: A meta-analysis. Journal of Marriage and Family, 61(3), 557-573.
Baumrind, D. (1971). Current patterns of parental authority. Developmental Psychology, 4(1, Pt.2), 1–103.
Bianchi, S. M., & Milkie, M. A. (2010). Work and family research in the first decade of the 21st century. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(3), 705-725.
Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House.
Fiese, B. H., Tomcho, T. J., Douglas, M., Josephs, K., Poltrock, S., & Baker, T. (2002). A review of 50 years of research on naturally occurring family routines and rituals: Cause for celebration? Journal of Family Psychology, 16(4), 381-390.
Fredricks, J. A., & Eccles, J. S. (2006). Is extracurricular participation associated with beneficial outcomes? Concurrent and longitudinal relations. Developmental Psychology, 42(4), 698–713.
Grolnick, W. S., & Ryan, R. M. (1989). Parent styles associated with children's self-regulation and competence in school. Journal of Educational Psychology, 81(2), 143-154.
Hartup, W. W. (1996). The company they keep: Friendships and their developmental significance. Child Development, 67(1), 1-13.
Morris, A. S., Silk, J. S., Steinberg, L., Myers, S. S., & Robinson, L. R. (2007). The role of the family context in the development of emotion regulation. Social Development, 16(2), 361-388.
Skinner, B. F. (1938). The behavior of organisms: An experimental analysis. Appleton-Century.
