How to be a better listener in marriage
Friday, May 10, 2024.
How to be a better listener in marriage
Being a great listener involves more than just hearing your partner's words; it's about understanding their emotions and perspective.
One key aspect of effective listening is asking questions.
Questions can help you delve deeper into your partner's thoughts and feelings, showing them that you're interested and engaged. Start conversations with open-ended questions like "What happened in your day today?" or "What are you looking forward to in the next week?" These questions encourage your partner to share more about their inner world and can lead to meaningful conversations.
Validating your partner's emotions is another essential aspect of being a better listener. Let them know that their feelings make sense to you by saying things like "I can see why you'd be upset about that" or "That sounds really tough." ” Offering this kind of support can help your partner feel understood and validated, strengthening your emotional connection.
The problem of problem-solving…
Avoid the temptation to jump into problem-solving mode when your partner shares their feelings. While it may come from a place of caring, it can make your partner feel dismissed. Instead, focus on empathizing with their emotions and showing that you're on their side. For example, if they're frustrated with their boss, you could say, "That sounds really difficult. I'm here for you."
Reflecting back what you're hearing can also deepen your understanding and show empathy. Repeat back what your partner has said and acknowledge their emotions. For example, "So, you're feeling lonely because you miss spending time together. That makes sense." This kind of reflection can help your partner feel heard and understood, strengthening your bond.
In conclusion, being a better listener in marriage is about more than just hearing; it's about understanding, validating, and empathizing. By practicing these skills, you can deepen your connection with your partner and create a more fulfilling relationship.
The Opposite of listening is not waiting…
Listening is a skill that requires practice and effort, but the rewards are immense. Couples with healthy and stable relationships have developed a deep understanding of each other's inner world, known as Love Maps.
These maps are created by asking open-ended questions that reveal your partner's thoughts, dreams, and fears.
Asking questions like "How would you like your life to change in the next five years?" or "What would your dream house be like if you had all the money in the world?" can reveal new aspects of your partner's personality and strengthen your bond.
Being an active listener is crucial in marriage. It means making eye contact, nodding, and giving your full attention to your partner. Avoid distractions like your phone or TV, and show that you're fully present in the conversation. Asking follow-up questions can also deepen your understanding and show your partner that you're engaged and interested in what they have to say.
Using bulleted questions can be a helpful tool to spark meaningful conversations. Questions like "What is the best thing about this?" or "What do you like most about it?" can lead to deeper insights and connections. Remember, the goal is not just to listen but to understand and empathize with your partner's feelings and experiences.
In conclusion, being a better listener in marriage requires effort and intentionality. By asking open-ended questions, reflecting on what you hear, and showing empathy and support, you can strengthen your relationship and create a deeper, more meaningful connection with your partner.
Here are some reminders for being a great listener:
Questions are the Answer
You can get the ball rolling by initiating with a question: such as “What happened in your day today?’” or “What is stressing you out right now?” or a forward-looking ’‘What are you looking forward to in the next week?”
Validate Emotions and Offer Support
Let the other person know that their feelings make sense to you by saying, for example, “Yes, that is really sad. I would be upset, too,” or, “I can see why you’d be annoyed about that” or “I really feel for you”.
Don’t Problem-Solve or Side with the Enemy
This is important and it’s a mistake many couples make.
Problem-solving can come from a place of caring- you want your partner to feel better so you offer solutions.
However, this can come across in the wrong way- often what they really want is for you to be on their side. Your partner might wind up feeling disrespected.
Which is why it’s so important to not say anything that would come across as siding with the enemy. If they are complaining about their boss you wouldn’t say “Oh but I really like your boss, she’s so smart.”
Even if you do like their boss, this is not the time to go there. Realize that you are on your partners’ side, so say “Wow that really is terrible, I can’t believe your boss said that.”
Don’t look for the “silver lining” by saying “At least…”
By doing this, you are minimizing their stress and pain. Instead, allow it to be what it is. By saying, “You got fired, but at least you still have a family who cares about you,” you are minimizing their suffering about the job loss. You can say, “This seems so difficult. I don’t know what to say,” or, “Thank you for sharing with me,” or, “I can see how hard this is for you.”
Reflect Back on What You Are Hearing
One way to empathize and show that you understand and care is to follow the steps below:
So, you are feeling: (happy, scared, lonely, etc.)
About… (state the event, or circumstance related to the feeling)
Because… (name the reason or belief that explains the feelings)
And I can understand… why you feel a particular way. Or “That makes sense.”
More about being a better listener…
Couples with healthy and stable relationships have developed a cognitive map of their partner’s world. These cognitive maps, or Love Maps, are created by asking open-ended questions such as, “How would you like your life to change in the next five years?”
The point is to ask questions that deepen your understanding of the other person. “Did you call the plumber today?” is not a question that tells you much about your partner’s inner world.
Mundane questions won’t help you be a better listener in marriage.
Instead, try asking, “If you had all the money in the world, what would your dream house be like?” Asking this sort of question, you’ll find out something entirely different about your partner.
Listening is facilitated by open-ended questions. Open-ended questions invite stories for answers—and layers of meaning within those answers that can help you understand the heart of who your partner is.
Asking an open-ended question is a key way to be a better listener in marriage. It shows genuine interest in your partner’s life and inner world. But it’s important to remember the answer! The idea is to take the time to ask and get to know someone more deeply. Genuine curiosity is important in becoming a better listener in marriage.
When asking open-ended questions, it’s also important to be an active listener. Active listening means making eye contact, nodding, and attending to whomever you are talking to rather than paying attention to your phone or any other distraction.
Asking follow-up questions can help, so if they say they really like their job right now you can ask, “What is it that you like most about it?” or, “What is it about your job that feels most rewarding to you?”
Be a better listener in marriage with bulleted questions
Want to be a better listener in marriage? Use the bulleted questions and statement below to spark follow-up questions and further the conversation:
What is the best thing about this?
What is the worst thing that could happen?
What is it that you like about this?
Tell me more about that.
How do you feel about it?
When asking open-ended questions, it’s also an excellent opportunity to empathize with the speaker’s feelings.
If they say they are overwhelmed and anxious about an upcoming work project, you can say, “That sounds really tough,” or, “It makes sense that you’re feeling anxious.” Expressing empathy in this way also serves to validate your conversation partner. It's a wonderful experience to be understood by your spouse.
Dr. John Gottman once said, “the first duty of love is to listen.” And being a better listener in marriage will help you both experience a deeper intimate bond.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
