How Do You Know If Your Boundaries Are Too Rigid?
Wednesday, August 20, 2025.
We live in a culture that romanticizes independence. “I don’t need anyone,” we declare proudly, as if total self-sufficiency were the gold medal of emotional life.
Instagram tells us to “know your worth,” TikTok therapists remind us to “protect your energy,” and before long we’re mistaking solitude for enlightenment.
But there’s a thin line between healthy boundaries and barbed-wire fences.
Boundaries are supposed to make love sustainable, not impossible.
They’re the fences around a garden—meant to keep out the rabbits, not prevent the flowers from being watered. But if your fences are too high, too thick, or topped with emotional razor wire, you might find yourself safe… and very, very alone.
That’s the paradox of rigid boundaries: they protect you from pain, but they also protect you from joy.
What Rigid Boundaries Look Like
Rigid boundaries aren’t always obvious. They can masquerade as “self-sufficiency” or “standards.” But here are some telltale signs:
You never ask for help. Independence is admirable until it turns into loneliness disguised as stoicism.
You avoid emotional disclosure. You share facts (job title, favorite pizza topping) but never feelings.
You cut people off quickly. One misstep and they’re out, no second chances.
You pride yourself on “not needing anyone.” Which sounds noble until you’re Googling “why do I feel so empty?” at 2 a.m.
Relationships never deepen. Friends and partners describe you as “hard to get close to.”
Why People Develop Rigid Boundaries
Psychologists link rigid boundaries to protective strategies learned early in life. If vulnerability once meant pain—say, through betrayal, neglect, or criticism—closing the gates feels safer (Herman, 2015).
Attachment theory adds another lens: avoidant attachment often shows up as rigid emotional limits, with closeness interpreted as threat rather than comfort (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). In short, rigid boundaries are often born from fear, not strength.
The Difference Between Healthy and Rigid
A healthy boundary sounds like:
“I’d like to take things slow and share more when I feel comfortable.”
A rigid boundary sounds like:
“I don’t talk about feelings. Ever.”
The first allows for flexibility, timing, and eventual connection. The second nails the door shut and throws away the key. Flexibility is the key difference: healthy boundaries bend without breaking. Rigid boundaries just break.
How Rigid Boundaries Hurt Relationships
Rigid boundaries may protect you in the short run, but they quietly sabotage intimacy:
They block trust. Without emotional reciprocity, partners feel shut out.
They fuel misinterpretation. Distance gets mistaken for rejection.
They lead to chronic loneliness. Research shows that isolation—even self-chosen—correlates with poorer physical and mental health outcomes (Hawkley & Cacioppo, 2010).
Ironically, the very thing rigid boundaries are designed to prevent—hurt—becomes inevitable through disconnection.
How to Soften Without Collapsing
Experiment with micro-sharing. Instead of a full-on loose boundaried confession, start with a singular vulnerable fact (“I felt nervous before our date”).
Notice your reflex to withdraw. Ask yourself: “Am I protecting myself from actual harm, or imagined risk?”
Use graduated trust. Not everyone gets access to your innermost fears right away, but someone should eventually.
Therapy might help. A neutral guide can help you test flexibility in ways that feel safe. I can help with that.
Boundaries don’t have to be ironclad to be effective. In fact, the best boundaries work like good doors: solid enough to keep you safe, but with hinges so they actually open.
Final Thoughts
If you’re wondering whether your boundaries are too rigid, you’ve already cracked the door open. Awareness itself is the first step toward change.
The folks most locked behind their walls are the ones insisting everything is fine, as weeds grow wild in the garden behind them.
The truth is, love requires a kind of permeability—a willingness to risk discomfort in exchange for connection.
Too few boundaries and you drown. Too many and you starve.
The art is in finding the rhythm between holding on and letting in. Boundaries are not a monument to independence; they’re a living architecture of trust. And like any structure worth inhabiting, they need both doors and windows.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
References
Hawkley, L. C., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2010). Loneliness matters: A theoretical and empirical review of consequences and mechanisms. Annals of Behavioral Medicine, 40(2), 218–227. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12160-010-9210-8
Herman, J. L. (2015). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence—from domestic abuse to political terror. Basic Books.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.