Gratitude, Forgiveness, and the Loneliness of the Married Mind: A Survival Guide
Wednesday, March 5, 2025.
Kurt Vonnegut once said, "There’s only one rule that I know of, babies—God damn it, you’ve got to be kind." If he had been a marriage therapist, he might have added, "...especially when you’re lonely, married, and wondering how you ended up in this existential mess."
Because loneliness in marriage is real.
You can be in a legally binding, till-death-do-us-part arrangement and still feel utterly alone. But before you throw your wedding ring into the nearest body of water, let’s talk about a little miracle drug called gratitude. And its scrappy sidekick, forgiveness.
A recent study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy suggests that gratitude and forgiveness can weaken the corrosive effects of loneliness on marital satisfaction (Leavitt et al., 2025).
While they don’t seem to work their magic on the sexual relationship (sorry, no gratitude-fueled orgasms here), they do help keep the overall marriage from spiraling into despair.
Loneliness: It’s Not Just for Singles
We tend to think of loneliness as the domain of the single and searching, but married people know better.
Loneliness isn’t about proximity—it’s about connection. You can sit on the same couch as your spouse, bingeing Great British Bake Off together, and still feel like you’re living on different planets.
Loneliness has been linked to declines in mental and physical health, and—surprise!—it also wreaks havoc on relationships (Hawkley & Cacioppo, 2010). Previous studies have confirmed that lonely spouses experience lower relationship satisfaction and diminished sexual harmony, even when they live under the same roof (Patrick et al., 2021).
But here’s where things get interesting. Researchers at Brigham Young University wanted to know whether gratitude and forgiveness could soften loneliness’ impact on marriages (Leavitt et al., 2025).
Gratitude and Forgiveness: The Marital Seatbelts
The study used data from 1,614 newlywed heterosexual couples who participated in the CREATE study, an ongoing nationwide survey on marriage. These couples answered questions about their loneliness, their ability to forgive, how often they expressed gratitude toward their partner, and their levels of relationship and sexual satisfaction (Leavitt et al., 2025).
What did they find?
Loneliness was strongly linked to lower marital satisfaction and weaker sexual harmony. (Bad news for the romantics.)
Gratitude and forgiveness acted as a buffer—but only for overall relationship satisfaction. (Good news for those who value emotional connection.)
Gratitude and forgiveness did NOT lessen the impact of loneliness on sexual harmony. (Bad news for those hoping a heartfelt “thank you” would magically restore their sex life.)
When wives reported high levels of gratitude and forgiveness, the negative link between their loneliness and their relationship satisfaction was weaker. The same was true for husbands—their gratitude and forgiveness helped them stay more satisfied in their marriages, even when loneliness crept in.
Even more interestingly, a husband’s forgiveness seemed to benefit his wife’s relationship satisfaction. (Cue the surprised face emoji.)
Why Doesn’t Gratitude Save the Sex Life?
If gratitude and forgiveness can preserve the emotional core of a marriage, why don’t they work on the physical side?
Dr. Chelom Leavitt, the study’s lead author, had a theory: sex is different.
While gratitude and forgiveness can ease general relationship tensions, they don’t automatically rekindle physical intimacy (Leavitt et al., 2025).
Leavitt explained, “I was disappointed but also understood. Sex is a powerful interaction, and being forgiving and grateful may not be enough to overcome the lonely feelings we experience. That may require some additional work through therapy and intimate conversation.” In other words, you can’t gratitude your way into desire. (But wouldn’t that be nice?). I’d love to hear Esther’s take on that.
The Loneliness Paradox: Newlyweds vs. Long-Term Couples
One limitation of the study?
The participants were newly married—meaning they might have had fewer entrenched relationship issues than couples married for 20+ years.
Their loneliness may not have reached the bone-deep level that long-term married folks sometimes experience. Future research should examine whether these findings apply to older couples, same-sex couples, and long-term partners (Leavitt et al., 2025).
Still, these results suggest a promising takeaway: if you want to keep your marriage from drowning in loneliness, practice gratitude and forgiveness. Even if they won’t revive your sex life, they can help keep your emotional connection strong—and that’s no small thing.
Final Thoughts: Be Kind, Even When You’re Lonely
In the end, marriage isn’t just about passion or logistics or even love.
It’s about choosing to be kind, even when loneliness looms. Gratitude and forgiveness are powerful tools—not cure-alls, but safety nets that keep us from falling too far.
As Vonnegut once scolded: “God damn it, you’ve got to be kind.” Even to your spouse. Even when you feel alone. Maybe especially then.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Hawkley, L. C., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2010). Loneliness matters: A theoretical and empirical review of consequences and mechanisms. Annals of Behavioral Medicine, 40(2), 218–227. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12160-010-9210-8
Leavitt, C. E., Price, A. A., Inman, N. F., Lee, M., Sandridge, A., Harrison, Z., Brown, A. L., Yorgason, J. B., & Holmes, E. K. (2025). Loneliness within a romantic relationship: Do gratitude and forgiveness moderate between loneliness and relational and sexual well-being? Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy.
Patrick, R. B., Knee, C. R., & Neighbors, C. (2021). Relationship satisfaction and loneliness: The role of perceived partner responsiveness. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(9), 2505–2525. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075211004984