Gaslighting vs. Stonewalling: How to Tell the Difference—and What to Do About It

Thursday, June 26, 2025.

So the two of you aren’t talking. Again.

One of you is pacing.

The other looks like a statue someone forgot to finish. Silence thickens.

You’re left wondering: Is this emotional abuse? Or is this just Wednesday?

Let’s talk about two of the most misused terms in modern relationship psychology: gaslighting and stonewalling.

They’re not the same thing.

But they often get confused—like that couple everyone finds exhausting but keeps inviting to brunch anyway.

What Is Gaslighting as opposed to Stonewalling?

Gaslighting is emotional abuse dressed in reasonableness.

It’s not just confusion. It’s being slowly unmoored from your own reality by someone who needs to stay in control. The term comes from the 1938 play Gas Light, in which a husband dims the gaslights and denies it to convince his wife she’s going mad.

Gaslighting is intentional.

It’s not poor memory. It’s not miscommunication. It’s a calculated effort to make you doubt your thoughts, your feelings, your instincts—so you surrender your perspective and start relying on theirs.

Classic Gaslighting Phrases:

• “I never said that.” (they did.)

• “You’re too sensitive.” (You’re not.)

• “You always make things up.” (Projection.)

• “Everyone agrees with me.” (They don’t.)

The Psychological Impact

Gaslighting erodes your self-trust. You start apologizing too much. You question your sanity. You forget how to feel angry—even when it’s justified.

This isn’t just toxic communication. It’s systematic emotional destabilization.

What To Do If You're Being Gaslit

You don’t debate gaslighting. You document it. You get help.

Gaslighting is not a couples issue—it’s a power issue. You can’t resolve it through better communication techniques or another weekend therapy retreat. You need outside validation and professional support.

Start by talking to a therapist. Or calling 988 for emotional support if you’re in crisis.

Want to work with someone trained in spotting emotional abuse? Try the Gottman Referral Network to find a therapist near you. Or contact me directly, because I can help with that too..

What Is Stonewalling?

Stonewalling looks like silence—but it’s actually a scream.

Unlike gaslighting, stonewalling isn’t about control. It’s about overwhelm.

Dr. John Gottman, renowned for predicting divorce with over 90% accuracy, calls it one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” for relationships.

But stonewalling is not manipulative. It’s a kind of biological shutdown.

What Stonewalling Looks Like:

• A blank stare mid-argument

• Emotional flatness, detachment, or withdrawal

• Shrugs, monosyllables, or silence

• Walking out mid-conversation

Inside, the stonewalling partner’s body is in fight-or-flight mode. Heart rate over 100 bpm. Cortisol spiking. Breathing shallow. Emotionally, they’ve left the building.

Stonewalling is a nervous system freeze response, not a strategy.

What To Do When Stonewalling Happens

There’s one evidence-based strategy: take a break.

Yes, even if you’re mid-sentence. Yes, even if it feels unfair. No, you can’t push through this.

Trying to talk when someone is stonewalling is like texting a toaster. You’ll just overheat both of you.

The Right Way to Take a Timeout:

• Call a break. Name it: “I’m feeling overwhelmed. I need a pause.”

• Separate physically for at least 20 minutes. Let the nervous system reset.

• Do something regulating. Walk. Breathe. Shake it out.

• Agree to Return. Within 24 hours is ideal.

• Reconnect. The person who called the timeout should initiate the return.

This isn’t emotional ghosting. It’s regulated repair.

So What’s the Takeaway?

Both gaslighting and stonewalling are crazy-making—but only one is calculated.

• Gaslighting is a mind game. It’s emotional abuse. It needs confrontation, documentation, and external validation.

• Stonewalling is an emotional shutdown. Because it’s an involuntary nervous sysytem response, It requires nervous system regulation, skill-building, and relational repair.

Here's the Bottom Line:

Gaslighting seeks power. Stonewalling seeks escape.

If you’re being gaslit, you need boundaries and backup.
If you’re stuck in a cycle of stonewalling, you need emotional tools—and the will to return after the break.

TL;DR: Gaslighting vs. Stonewalling

• Gaslighting = Emotional abuse. Get help.

• Stonewalling = Emotional flooding. Take breaks. Learn to reconnect.

If you're unsure which one you're facing, assume the kindest explanation—then collect data. Talk to a therapist. Track the patterns. Trust your gut, but verify.

You deserve a relationship where you’re heard, not erased.

Free Resource: The Time-Out Planning Workbook

Want help creating healthier timeouts and reducing stonewalling? I can help with that.

Download my free Time-Out Planning Workbook—Chapter 7 in particular includes guided exercises for regulating, reconnecting, and rebuilding trust after emotional shutdowns.
Drop me a line, and I’ll send it to you pronto.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown Publishing Group.

Sarkis, S. (2018). Gaslighting: Recognize manipulative and emotionally abusive people—and break free. Da Capo Lifelong Books.

Ogden, P., Minton, K., & Pain, C. (2006). Trauma and the body: A sensorimotor approach to psychotherapy. W. W. Norton & Company.