Gaslighting in Marriage and Relationships: What It Is, What It Isn’t

Wednesday, October 8, 2025.

Gaslighting has become the kale of relationship advice—everywhere, overhyped, occasionally misused, and sometimes leaves a bitter aftertaste.

These days, if your partner forgets oat milk, you can call it gaslighting.

If they say, “I never said that,” you might decide it’s gaslighting.

If they forget the plot of Succession—clearly gaslighting.

But here’s the trouble: when everything is gaslighting, nothing is.

And that matters, because gaslighting isn’t just everyday bickering.

It’s a systematic pattern of emotional manipulation and psychological abuse. Misusing the term trivializes what survivors endure.

What Gaslighting Actually Means

The word comes from a 1938 play, Gas Light, where a husband dims the lights and convinces his wife she’s imagining it. Clinically, gaslighting is a deliberate attempt to make someone doubt their perception of reality (Sweet, 2019).

In marriage, this often shows up as:

• Denying what you know happened.

• Telling you you’re “too sensitive.”

• Blaming you for their outbursts.

• Withholding information, then shaming you for asking.

It’s not a bad memory if it’s weaponized denial—a strategy of power and control (Abramson, 2014).

Gaslighting vs. Ordinary Conflict

Not every tense moment is gaslighting. Couples get defensive, they stonewall, they forget things. That’s human, not sinister.

• Stonewalling happens when someone emotionally shuts down to avoid overwhelm. For conflict behaviors that get confused with gaslighting, see my post on Silent Treatment vs. Stonewalling.

• Defensiveness is the knee-jerk “I didn’t do it!” response we’ve all used.

• Forgetting—well, brains drop data from time to time.

Gaslighting, by contrast, is sustained distortion. Research shows many distressed couples fall into demand-withdraw cycles—where one partner pursues and the other retreats—but those cycles, while painful, are not gaslighting (Schrodt et al., 2009).

“If he says he never left the toilet seat up, that’s denial. If he insists the toilet seat doesn’t exist, that’s gaslighting.”

A Story from the Therapy Room

A client I’ll call Anna once said: “He keeps telling me I’m imagining things. Last night he denied shouting, even though our kids heard it.” Over months, Anna started to doubt her memory. That’s gaslighting.

Another client’s partner forgot the grocery list—oat milk, again. Was it frustrating? Absolutely. Gaslighting? Not even close.

The difference isn’t subtle. One erodes trust in yourself. The other just ruins your coffee.

Ten Signs of Gaslighting in Marriage

• People often search “signs of gaslighting.” Here’s what it actually looks like in real life — not the TikTok version where forgetting oat milk counts as abuse.

• Denial of reality.
  Your partner insists events never happened — even when you both know they did. This isn’t “I forgot.” It’s “I refuse to let your memory count.” Survivors describe pacing the house at 2 a.m., scrolling through texts, trying to prove to themselves they’re not insane (Sweet, 2019).

• Trivializing your emotions.
  You hear: “You’re too sensitive,” or “That shouldn’t bother you.” Minimizing your feelings chips away at self-trust. Over time, victims often internalize the script and doubt their own emotional responses (Karakurt & Silver, 2013).

• Chronic blame-shifting.
  Whatever the conflict, somehow it’s your fault. You spill coffee, their bad mood is your fault. They cheat, you “drove them to it.” This is psychological judo — flipping every blow back on you.

• Weaponizing your past.
  Remember that mistake from three years ago? They do. And they’ll bring it up every time you challenge them. Gaslighters recycle old wounds like Netflix reruns — to discredit you in the present.

• Rewriting history.
  They insist you “misremember.” Last week’s argument becomes your fantasy, not their fury. This isn’t faulty memory — it’s deliberate distortion.

• Dismissing hard evidence.
  Screenshots, receipts, even witnesses — none of it “counts.” The gaslighter’s natural predator is the iPhone Notes app, yet they’ll insist even digital proof is “fake.”

• Undermining you socially.
  They tell friends, family, or even your kids that you’re “unstable.” In old movies this required whispering at dinner parties. Today, it just takes a group chat.

• Hot-and-cold cycles.
  One day cruel, the next day charming. This intermittent reinforcement keeps you hooked — like a slot machine that sometimes pays out, mostly doesn’t (Dutton & Painter, 1993).

• Confusion as a constant state.
  After arguments, you don’t just feel hurt — you feel lost. Many describe leaving fights in a fog, unable to tell whether they’re the problem. That fog isn’t an accident; it’s the goal.

• Loss of self-trust.
  The endgame of gaslighting is silence. When you stop trusting your own memory, perception, or emotions, you stop speaking up. That’s when psychological abuse does its deepest damage.

Why TikTok Loves Gaslighting

On TikTok, everyone’s a gaslighter—your ex, your boss, your neighbor, your dog. But psychologists warn this “concept creep” makes it harder to identify genuine abuse (Haslam, 2016).

“Your boss isn’t gaslighting you when he says ‘let’s circle back.’ That’s corporate jargon abuse. Different pathology.”

The Psychology of Gaslighting

Gaslighting flourishes where there’s a power gap. It dismantles your ability to trust yourself and replaces it with dependence on the gaslighter. Survivors describe it as “crazy-making.”

Therapy starts with grounding: What did you see? What did you feel? What’s your truth? Rebuilding that compass is step one (Abramson, 2014).

For related dynamics, see Attachment Styles in Adult Relationships and Red Flags in Relationships.

Can Couples Therapy Help?

Sometimes. But it depends.

• When there’s coercive control or abuse, couple therapy is unsafe—individual safety planning comes first (Johnson, 2008).

• When the issue is mislabeling (defensiveness mistaken for gaslighting), therapy can clarify dynamics and restore trust..

FAQs

What are the signs of gaslighting in marriage?
Repeated denial of reality, trivializing your feelings, and making you question your sanity.

Is forgetting the same as gaslighting?
No. Forgetting is human. Gaslighting is deliberate.

How do I deal with gaslighting?
Seek validation, set boundaries, and consider therapy. If abuse is present, prioritize safety.

Can therapy fix gaslighting?
Often in miscommunication cases. In abusive situations, not so much. Individual support is needed. I can help with that.

Final thoughts

Gaslighting isn’t every argument, every forgotten errand, or every rolled eye. It’s deliberate, corrosive, and serious. Call too much “gaslighting,” and the word becomes useless. Call too little, and survivors are erased.

So, the therapist’s bottom line? Use the word carefully, and seek help quickly. If we can’t name what’s happening in love, we can’t heal it.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Abramson, K. (2014). Turning up the lights on gaslighting. Hypatia, 29(4), 1–19.

Dutton, D. G., & Painter, S. (1993). The battered woman syndrome: Effects of severity and intermittency of abuse. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 61(5), 741–748.

Haslam, N. (2016). Concept creep: Psychology’s expanding concepts of harm. Psychological Bulletin, 142(4), 993–1009.

Johnson, M. (2008). A typology of domestic violence. American Psychologist, 63(7), 557–570.

Karakurt, G., & Silver, K. E. (2013). Emotional abuse in intimate relationships: The role of gaslighting. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 18(1), 23–30.

Schrodt, P., Witt, P. L., & Shimkowski, J. R. (2009). A meta-analytical review of the demand/withdraw pattern of interaction. Journal of Personality, 77(3), 701–726.

Sweet, P. L. (2019). The sociology of gaslighting. Sociology Compass, 13(1), e12617.