Gaslighting Is a Moral Crime, Not Just a Communication Problem

Sunday, July 13, 2025.

How relational manipulation erodes trust, identity, and even the soul—according to therapists, philosophers, and The New Yorker

In a quietly blistering essay published in The New Yorker, Rachel Aviv traces the intimate horror of gaslighting—not just as emotional abuse or interpersonal drama, but as a profound moral violation. Not just a matter of “he said, she said.”

Not even a problem of lying, strictly speaking.

Gaslighting, when examined closely, is the sabotage of a person’s ability to trust themselves. It’s not about deception alone; it’s about unmaking someone’s inner compass—their sense of perception, memory, and reality.

And in my office, I see the aftermath all the time.

The client sitting in front of me is usually not enraged. More often, they’re sheepish, shame-faced, unsure. “Maybe I’m being dramatic,” they say. “I know I can be sensitive.”

They’ve been trained to doubt their own pain.

From Flickering Lights to Epistemic Collapse

Gaslighting has always had a PR problem. The word evokes melodrama—the dimming lamp, the villain in a waistcoat. But as Aviv and philosopher Kate Abramson make clear, the real damage is not theatrical; it’s epistemic.

That is, it harms a person’s status as a knower of things—things like “what just happened,” “how that made me feel,” or “what I need to be safe.”

Abramson (2014) writes, “Gaslighting is a moral wrong that erodes a person’s status as a knower.” In therapy, we’d call this an assault on self-trust. In attachment science, we’d call it a rupture in epistemic safety—the ability to trust not only others, but oneself.

And when someone you love rewrites your experiences, mocks your perception, or denies your memory with calm conviction? That rupture is not just intellectual—it’s existential.

How Gaslighting Hides in Plain Sight in Couples Therapy

Gaslighting rarely stomps in wearing boots. It slips in politely. And often, even the gaslighter doesn’t know what they’re doing. That’s what makes it hard to spot—for clients, and for clinicians.

Here’s a Typical moment in session:

Brenda:: “I felt really alone when you didn’t text me back after the funeral.”
Greg: (calmly): “I told you I was overwhelmed. You always do this—you make everything about you. I’ve explained this already.”

Greg is doing what covert gaslighters often do: replacing Brenda’s felt experience with a more convenient narrative. And he's doing it with clinical neutrality. It doesn’t look abusive. In fact, he might genuinely believe he’s being reasonable.

But the effect is devastating. Brenda begins to question whether she’s allowed to feel abandoned. Whether her needs are, in fact, excessive. Whether reality is just… negotiable.

As a therapist, this is the moment where you lean forward—not away. You do not rush to evenhandedness. You do not try to “balance” perspectives. You gently name the asymmetry of experience. You say:

“Greg, I hear you were overwhelmed. But when Brenda shares how that landed for her, it’s important we don’t dismiss it as just her being reactive. Let’s try holding both truths.”

Because “both truths” is not a platitude. It’s an epistemological life raft.

How Gaslighting Disorients and Disfigures

Gaslighting’s genius—if we can call it that—is its gradualism. It’s not one explosive lie, but a thousand paper cuts to reality:

“You’re too sensitive.”
“That never happened.”
“You always get like this when you’re tired.”
“Why would I do that? You’re paranoid.”

It’s the partner who sighs and says, “Here we go again,” when you name a concern. It’s the “forgotten” commitments, the strategic memory lapses, the untraceable denials.

Janina Fisher (2017) reminds us that trauma is not just about what happened—it’s about how the response to it invalidated your experience. Gaslighting doesn’t just cause injury. It isolates the injury in a soundproof room.

Neurodivergent clients—particularly those with ADHD, autism, or a trauma history—are especially susceptible. They’re often used to being misunderstood or told they’re “too much.” When a partner subtly exploits that ambiguity, it’s not just abusive. It’s precision-calibrated.

And the gaslighter? Often calm, reasonable, and “good at talking.” It’s the perfect misdirection.

The Cultural Scale of Gaslighting

Gaslighting isn’t just a relationship tactic. It’s a cultural fluency. Aviv’s essay points to the way gaslighting scales up into institutions.

When a woman is told her pain is psychological, not physical.
When a Black employee is told they’re “too sensitive” about workplace dynamics.
When a child describes abuse and is met with, “Don’t say things like that.”

This isn’t miscommunication. It’s structural gaslighting.

Family systems theory names this—the “identified patient” holds the discomfort for everyone else. Their truth becomes the threat. Their symptoms become the scapegoat.

And our cultural tendency to pathologize the truth-teller is a tell. It’s not that we don’t believe them. It’s that believing them would mean we have to change.

Therapist’s Guide: Intervening in Gaslighting Without Colluding

When gaslighting shows up in couples therapy, it rarely introduces itself by name. It often shows up as “miscommunication,” “sensitivity,” or “conflict style.”

But the body knows. The gaslit partner is usually dissociated, apologetic, overly self-doubting, or quietly furious.

Here’s how to spot and intervene:

• Validate the gaslit partner’s nervous system first: "What you’re feeling makes sense. Even if the story is confusing, your body is registering something.”

• Name the distortion without accusation: “Greg, when you say ‘You always do this,’ it might feel to Brenda like her experience is being erased.”

• Slow the dynamic: If you rush to “both sides,” you’ll miss the asymmetry. Gaslighting thrives in symmetry theater.

• Watch for weaponized therapy language: “I’m setting a boundary” or “you’re being triggered” can be used to silence, not regulate. Name it gently when it happens.

• Rebuild the gaslit partner’s epistemic muscle: Invite them to say what they feel, even if they fear it’s “too much.” Ask, “If you trusted yourself fully in this moment, what would you say?”

Therapy doesn’t work unless people feel safe being real. And gaslighting attacks the very muscle required for that safety: the ability to name your own truth.

Better Words, Real Repair

You don’t fix gaslighting with a better argument. You fix it by restoring trust in the nervous system. That means replacing invalidation with phrases like:

“I didn’t realize that landed that way. Can you help me understand?”
“I remember it differently, but I want to hear how it felt to you.”
“That wasn’t my intention, but I believe that’s how it came across.”

These aren’t apologies. They’re relational spine. They make space for someone to feel sane in their own skin again.

The Soul Damage of Being Disbelieved

Gaslighting doesn’t just steal confidence. It steals the scaffolding of your internal world. Your sense of cause and effect. Of emotional continuity. Of moral coherence.

That’s why it matters.

As therapists, we can’t collude with polite denial. We must become practitioners of epistemic repair. Because what’s at stake isn’t just the relationship. It’s a person’s right to know what they know.

In a world obsessed with winning arguments, gaslighting is a slow coup of the soul. The antidote is radical reality-affirming love.

And that begins with five words: I believe what you felt.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Abramson, K. (2014). Turning up the lights on gaslighting. Philosophical Perspectives, 28(1), 1–30.

Aviv, R. (2024, April 8). So you think you’ve been gaslit. The New Yorker. https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2024/04/08/so-you-think-youve-been-gaslit

Bader, E., & Pearson, P. (1988). In quest of the mythical mate: A developmental approach to diagnosis and treatment in couples therapy. Brunner/Mazel.

Fisher, J. (2017). Healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors: Overcoming internal self-alienation. Routledge.

Pincus, A. L., & Roche, M. J. (2011). Narcissistic grandiosity and narcissistic vulnerability in psychotherapy. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 67(6), 563–573.

Stern, R. (2007). The gaslight effect: How to spot and survive the hidden manipulation others use to control your life. Morgan Road Books.