Insights from the French Parenting Style: A Balanced Approach to Raising Children
Monday, September 2, 2024.
The French approach to parenting, as popularized by the book Bringing Up Bébé by Pamela Druckerman, has garnered attention for its ability to raise well-mannered, independent, and resilient children.
But what exactly makes this style of parenting distinct? And how did historical events like the French Revolution influence these practices?
Emphasizing Patience and Structure
One of the key elements of French parenting is the emphasis on patience and structure.
French parents are known for setting clear boundaries and expectations early on, teaching their children the value of waiting, self-control, and respect for others.
Pamela Druckerman highlights how French parents teach their children to cope with frustration and delay gratification, often using the “wait” strategy from infancy.
This approach aligns with research by Mischel, Shoda, and Rodriguez (1989), which demonstrates that children who learn to delay gratification develop better emotional regulation and perform better academically as they grow.
In addition to teaching patience, French parents emphasize responsibility. For example, if a child makes a mess, they are expected to clean it up. This approach not only fosters accountability but also helps children understand the consequences of their actions, which is essential for developing self-discipline.
Encouraging Independence
A cornerstone of the French parenting style is the encouragement of independence from a young age. French parents, as noted in Bringing Up Bébé, allow their children to explore their environment with minimal intervention, which helps them build confidence and develop problem-solving skills.
This approach is supported by research from Sroufe, Egeland, Carlson, and Collins (2005), showing that children who are given the freedom to make decisions and learn from their mistakes tend to be more resilient and adaptable.
Druckerman emphasizes that French parents do not hover or micromanage; instead, they trust their children to handle challenges on their own, fostering a sense of autonomy.
For instance, during meals, children are encouraged to try a variety of foods, even if they are initially hesitant. This practice not only broadens their tastes but also teaches them to embrace new experiences—a crucial aspect of becoming independent.
The Importance of Family Meals
In France, family meals are more than just a time to eat; they are an opportunity to teach children about social interaction, patience, and the enjoyment of food.
According to Druckerman, French children are encouraged to engage in conversation, wait their turn, and appreciate the meal being shared. This ritual strengthens family bonds and helps children develop important social skills and a positive relationship with food.
The Influence of the French Revolution on Parenting
To understand the roots of the French parenting style, it’s important to consider the historical context, particularly the impact of the French Revolution. The French Revolution, which began in 1789, profoundly changed French society, including family dynamics and parenting practices.
Before the Revolution, French society was highly hierarchical, and authority was centralized in the hands of the monarchy and the church.
Parenting during this period was often authoritarian, with strict obedience expected from children. However, the Revolution brought about a radical shift in values, emphasizing equality, individual rights, and the importance of education for all citizens.
As the Revolution dismantled the old social order, it also led to a rethinking of the family unit.
The new Republican ideals promoted the notion that children were not just the property of their parents but individuals with rights and potential.
This shift contributed to a more balanced approach to parenting, where authority was still respected, but the emotional and intellectual development of the child became a priority.
Post-Revolution, there was a greater focus on education and the moral upbringing of children, influenced by Enlightenment thinkers like Jean-Jacques Rousseau, who argued for the natural goodness of children and the importance of nurturing their development in a supportive environment.
Rousseau’s ideas, particularly those in his book Émile, which outlines an ideal education, encouraged a more compassionate and attentive approach to parenting, one that resonates with the principles seen in modern French parenting.
Balancing Authority with Warmth
The balance between authority and warmth is a key feature of the French parenting style, deeply rooted in the historical changes brought about by the Revolution.
French parents are often described as being both firm and affectionate, setting clear rules and expectations but doing so in a loving and supportive manner.
This combination of authority and warmth is crucial for fostering a secure attachment between parents and children, as highlighted in Bringing Up Bébé and supported by research from Sroufe et al. (2005), which shows that secure attachments are essential for healthy emotional and social development.
French parents avoid hovering or micromanaging, which can lead to anxiety and dependency.
Instead, they trust their children to navigate challenges on their own, offering support when necessary. This approach helps children develop a sense of competence and autonomy, which are key factors in building self-esteem.
The Role of Play and Creativity
Play is a vital component of the French parenting approach, but it differs from the highly structured playdates often seen elsewhere.
In Bringing Up Bébé, Druckerman notes that French children are given more freedom to engage in unstructured play, allowing them to use their imagination and creativity without constant adult oversight.
This approach to play is rooted in the post-Revolutionary emphasis on individualism and self-expression.
Unstructured play is crucial for a child’s cognitive, social, and emotional development. Ginsburg (2007) supports this, noting that play helps children learn to negotiate, solve problems, and express themselves creatively. French parents recognize that play is a natural and necessary part of childhood, not something that needs to be controlled or directed by adults.
Teaching Gratitude and Appreciation
As I mentioned earlier, From a young age, French children are taught to say "please" and "thank you," and to show respect for others.
This focus on manners goes beyond etiquette; it’s about teaching children to appreciate what they have and to recognize the efforts of others. Druckerman highlights how French parents instill these values in their children from a young age.
The emphasis on gratitude and appreciation can also be traced back to the changes brought about by the Revolution, which promoted civic responsibility and social harmony.
Research by Emmons and McCullough (2003) supports the idea that gratitude is linked to greater happiness and well-being.
Children who are taught to be grateful are more likely to be positive, empathetic, and socially connected. By instilling a sense of gratitude, French parents help their children develop a mindset that leads to a more fulfilling and socially harmonious life.
Final thoughts
While the French parenting style may not be a perfect fit for everyone, it offers valuable lessons that can be adapted to different cultural contexts.
Patience, independence, balance, and gratitude are the essential cultural ideas in play.
Perhaps these ideas could help American children grow into well-rounded citizens who are capable, confident, and considerate.
Incorporating these principles into your own parenting doesn’t require a complete overhaul.
Small changes, such as setting clear boundaries, encouraging unstructured play, and teaching gratitude, can have a big impact on your child’s development.
The French approach to parenting, as detailed in Bringing Up Bébé and shaped by historical events like the French Revolution, serves as a reminder that raising children is not just about guiding them through childhood but about preparing them for a successful and fulfilling life.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Druckerman, P. (2012). Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting.Penguin Press.
Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377-389. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.84.2.377
Ginsburg, K. R. (2007). The importance of play in promoting healthy child development and maintaining strong parent-child bonds. Pediatrics, 119(1), 182-191. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2006-2697
Mischel, W., Shoda, Y., & Rodriguez, M. L. (1989). Delay of gratification in children. Science, 244(4907), 933-938. https://doi.org/10.1126/science.2658056
Sroufe, L. A., Egeland, B., Carlson, E., & Collins, W. A. (2005). The development of the person: The Minnesota study of risk and adaptation from birth to adulthood. Guilford Press.