Executive Functioning Issues in One Partner: How They Impact Neurodiverse Marriage—and What to Do About It

Tuesday, November 4, 2025. This is for Gerry and Denise.

In a neurodiverse marriage, one of the most common yet least understood sources of conflict isn’t malice, immaturity, or lack of love.

It’s executive dysfunction—the invisible set of skills that help us plan, initiate, and follow through.

When one partner struggles with executive functioning, everyday life can feel like an endless series of dropped balls, missed cues, and quiet resentments.

What Is Executive Functioning?

Executive functioning refers to the brain’s management system—a suite of cognitive skills including planning, prioritizing, working memory, impulse control, and emotional regulation (Diamond, 2013).

These functions are primarily managed by the prefrontal cortex, which, in neurodiverse partners (especially those with ADHD or autism), may develop or activate differently.

In a marriage, these differences don’t just affect task lists—they affect intimacy, trust, and emotional connection. When one partner constantly feels overwhelmed or chronically behind, the other can feel abandoned, unseen, or forced into a parentified role.

When One Partner Becomes the “Executive Functioning System” for Both

Many neurotypical partners unconsciously take on the role of household CEO—tracking appointments, organizing social life, and managing emotional repair after conflict. Over time, this imbalance breeds frustration on both sides.

Research by Barkley (2022) notes that executive function deficits are not just about disorganization; they represent a different way of experiencing time and motivation.

For a partner with ADHD or autism, the future can feel abstract or “not real” until it’s immediate. This is not laziness—it’s a neurological difference.

Emotional Fallout: The Hidden Cost of Cognitive Asymmetry

The neurotypical partner often develops what psychologists call resentful competence—doing everything themselves because it’s “easier than reminding.”

Meanwhile, the neurodiverse partner may internalize shame and guilt, feeling infantilized or constantly failing invisible tests.

A 2023 study in Journal of Marital and Family Therapy found that couples facing executive dysfunction report higher conflict frequency but equal attachment security compared to control groups (Simpson & Chang, 2023). In other words, love is not the issue—logistics are.

How Couples Can Adapt

• Externalize the System.
  Use shared calendars, whiteboards, and task apps. As neuropsychologist Thomas Brown (2013) writes, external supports help shift executive load from memory to the home environment.

• Name the Difference, not the Defect.
  It’s crucial to recognize that neurodiverse executive functioning isn’t “broken”—but it is reliably context-dependent. A partner who can hyperfocus for hours at work might struggle to fold laundry because domestic routines don’t trigger dopamine.

• Therapy with a Neurodiverse Lens.
  Couples therapy that fails to recognize executive function challenges often mislabels them as “avoidance” or “lack of care.” In fact, targeted interventions—like time-blindness coaching and structured accountability—work far better (Barkley, 2022; Ramsay & Rostain, 2020).

• Reduce Emotional Over-Functioning.
  The neurotypical partner must resist becoming a manager. Shifting from supervision to collaboration restores intimacy. The mantra becomes: shared structure, not shared shame.

• Make Peace with Unevenness.
  Emotional fairness doesn’t always mean equal division of labor—it means mutual compassion for the cognitive load. A healthy marriage learns to balance structure with grace.

Final Thoughts

In a neurodiverse marriage, executive dysfunction can masquerade as carelessness, selfishness, or neglect. In truth, it’s more a matter of neurological pacing.

Love thrives not by erasing differences, but by learning how to work with them, sooner rather than later —building systems that buffer your emotional bank account from being overdrawn.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Barkley, R. A. (2022). Executive Functions: What They Are, How They Work, and Why They Evolved (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Brown, T. E. (2013). A New Understanding of ADHD in Children and Adults: Executive Function Impairments. Routledge.

Diamond, A. (2013). Executive functions. Annual Review of Psychology, 64, 135–168. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-113011-143750

Ramsay, J. R., & Rostain, A. L. (2020). The Adult ADHD Tool Kit: Using CBT to Facilitate Coping Inside and Out. Routledge.

Simpson, E., & Chang, P. (2023). Neurodiversity and executive functioning in intimate partnerships: A mixed-methods study. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 49(2), 321–339.